Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Refocus

While we crave company, exhaust ourselves in preparing for them, over extend ourselves while they are here and crash back into loneliness and despair when they leave. It's still worth it. It is, for a short time, a small taste of normalcy, a precious glimpse of getting our lives back, a fantasy. The harsh reality is that we are not normal. We have to accept the terms of life that we've been dealt. In order to do that, we have to pick ourselves back up and refocus our lives on something that is valuable.

Many people successfully deal with the loneliness of the holiday season by immersing themselves in traditions, shopping, caroling or volunteering and participating. We can't. I'm sure you are thinking that we can do the 'traditions" part, but think about it.... traditions revolve around other people, or they are meaningless. You can festoon your environment with whatever you want. If there is no one to enjoy it with you, it ceases to have value. People who have lost loved ones at this time, understand that. Real value in life revolves around relationships. Real joy, comes from sharing with others.

Refocusing is a struggle. I try all kinds of things. Reading doesn't do it. I'm distracted by the clock ticking. Researching seems flat. I phone a friend, they have lives, carrying them along like a tumbling creek. I feel like I'm stuck in this stagnant back water... I try different hobbies, boring. All boring. I try singing, and listening to the radio... nope, not that either. I look at the pictures of the puppy I'm getting... too far off. I try to plan stuff to do, too tired. Tasty food? Don't care. Am I depressed? Well, duh!

Of course I'm depressed. I'd be mentally unbalanced if I wasn't. Its sad, being excluded and imprisoned in isolation. Will I get over it? Yeh. I'll work through it. It will get better. I'll just have to grieve the loss,... again.

I guess I wrote this today to share with other TIs that, for us, its normal. Its O.K. to be depressed. We all feel that way from time to time. Good grief, our lives are horrendous! We should be unhappy with it. We grieve because we don't want to be like this... I've heard from way to many people who've been charged with faking it, to get attention. What attention? None of us wants to be excluded and injured at every turn. We don't want to have to problem solve constantly just to achieve the most simple task in a way that minimizes our exposures, pain and suffering.


Am I having a pity party? Perhaps. I'm grieving. I miss who I used to be and what I used to be able to do. I used to do this...


Now, I don't have the co-ordination. Even if I could find non toxic supplies. 


 I used to go skiing, sailing, and white water rafting. Can't. Doesn't matter that I still want to, the chemicals used in those environments make the price too high...

I used to work on my garden... My evil neighbor makes sure that's impossible.

During the holiday season, I used to be part of the living nativity, attend parties and carol shut ins. I used to lead youth groups to shovel walks and clean up yards for the elderly or sponsor fun activities. Can't anymore. Most youth are hugely smelly.

So follow me through the process, I have to force my self to refocus. I have to look at what  I can do... I can do a little weaving, some embroidery, and some knitting. I made this hat for the young man down the road, who mows my right of way and the drive, in the summer....



Doing something for some one else, helps. It gives me a sense that I still matter to someone, in a small way. I've thought about making things for vets, like hats and gloves, but, one, I can't afford the supplies, and two, I can't be around supplies that come from fragranced environments. Most donated supplies reek...  

It isn't easy to refocus, or reset ones life. It takes effort, and it takes tears. We have to cry, for just a little while... I guess we do have to throw that pity party. 

I always say, "If you have to have a pity party, serve cookies..." So I guess, I'd best go make some. What do you think, sugar cookies or gingersnaps? O' yeah, gluten free and organic. Ya' comin'? 

You come, I'll make both and eggnog! Gee, I'm feeling better already....

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