I had this sheep once, that got stuck between the single strand of hot wire and the woven field fence. It had a full fleece so it normally would have been protected from being shocked. But on that particular occasion it had rained, and the soggy wool conducted the pulsing electricity. So, when I got up, early that morning, I found that one forlorn ewe standing there soggy, twitching and trapped. Twice a second she received a shot that clenched her whole body. Having been zapped by that particular charger myself, I empathized with every jolt.
Of course I turned off the fencer and removed her from her predicament. But it was something about her sad, resigned face, and her quiet expectation of the next arcing pain, that came to mind this morning as I prepared to write this blog. You see, I realized that like her, I expect the next hurt.
Not only have I become chemically hypersensitive, I've become emotionally hyper-sensitive. I discovered, I'm defensive. Too quick to think the worst. Oh, I could make all kinds of justifications, give my reasons, but bottom line... I was wrong.
The person that I thought was saying that he didn't want to hear what I had to say, yesterday, was trying to "help" me. He wanted me to fit in a little better. To be a little more "normal." His motivation was good hearted.
In all my life, I have never received such a gracious apology. It was very beautiful. It made me cry. I was devastated and hurt, when I thought he was criticizing me, and now greatful and humbled by his apology. I'm kind of at a loss for words. I wish I could describe it better. I think if people actually knew how incredibly redeeming and healing a sincere apology is, they'd practice it more. I'd had no idea! I'd never received one before now. Somehow, the art, or skill, or graciousness of truly apologizing has gotten lost. I've read in the Word of God, that we're supposed to, and that it is truly healing. I've longed for apologies from people who've hurt me. I've done my due diligence preparing my heart to forgive... But never in all my life has anyone come and apologized! I never knew what it felt like, to be asked to be forgiven... Wow!
Don't get me wrong, I've had people say the words, but not mean them. That kind of apology is usually followed by justification or rationalization. It never felt like they were sorry... This time, this person really meant it. It was so apparent. The whole thing was so incredibly different. I think I will treasure it for the rest of my life. I shall measure every time I wrong another, and I need to apologize by this standard. I have learned an incredible lesson, in a place I never expected to learn it.
I was that sheep, stuck and soggy, between the hot wire and the fence, stoggedly enduring shock after shock, until some one came and set me free.