Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Wedding

I failed. I'm heart broken. I will not get to attend my son's wedding. My future daughter-in-law's mother decided she didn't want her daughter living with her any longer and threatened to throw her out on the street. She made her pronouncement on Easter at the extended family dinner. My son and his fiancé had to set the date before the end of the month. I can't get everything done in time. I can't attend.

I cried for days. I couldn't sleep. Everytime I'd try the grief would pour in on me and I'd find myself sobbing loudly and uncontrollably. Wailing. Grieving horribly. Chest hurting so badly it felt like my heart was actually tearing. I fought to get myself back under control because I it felt like a heart attack. I made myself calm down, and think of other things. Then as I started to fall asleep, I'd repeat the whole procedure again. I've never experienced such horrible emotional pain. I've stopped crying at night now. I still just break down and cry randomly. Thinking about it at all makes me cry. But, there's nothing we can do to change it. I won't ever get over it.

I don't want 'my not being able to attend' to cloud their day, so I'm trying to focus on the joy of their wedding, for their sake. I ordered the brides bouquet and all the flowers. The mother of the bride is refusing to be involved at all. She won't even look at ribbons, or trims. My future daughter-in-law is borrowing a cousin's dress and making it over. We talked about how she's going to do that. We talked about her daughter's flower girl dress. We talked about colors and where they'll go for their honeymoon. She told me all about the wedding plans. They will be married by a small lake, with only a handful of close family attending. Her aunt & uncle, her cousins, supposedly her mom. My husband. He's the only one from my son's side who can go on such short notice. I'm upset about that, too.

I'm pissed off, for my future daughter-in-law's sake, as well. It's probably a good thing (for her mother) that I'm not going. I'd probably leave the safety of my RV (if I'd found one in time)to jump her mother and kick her ass, if I did go. I'm having fantasies of throwing her into the lake and whomping up on her big time. No one should treat their daughter that way!!!
Every girl deserves a princess day. That's usually her wedding day. When they are married, she will be my daughter. She will have her day. We will throw her an Oregon reception. All our friends and family will come and support her and treat her like a princess. I'll be sure she has a dress of her own, and a beautiful setting and lavish food. We'll save our presents for when they come. We will surround her with love and support and bring both her and my son joy. Because that's how it should be done. I can't change the fact that I can't go, but I can make a blessing!!

Is my heart still grieving because I won't be there for the wedding. Yes. I can't do anything about it. All I can do it focus on better things, and keep trying to find an RV and get Rosie certified, so I don't miss the next important event. Pray for me, please. The day of the wedding is going to be extremely hard. It is the 29th.

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