Sunday, May 20, 2012

Bumbling

Like a lumbering bumble bee... I'm puttering and futsing. Moving from one project to the next, gathering a little here, a little there. Looking for productivity like those gigantic fuzzy bees seek nectar.

Yesterday I worked my butt off. It was an 'Oh, so clever' day. I snatched my opportunity, flung open the windows and painted trim for hours. I painted so long and hard I can barely move today. ;-) Serves me right, but I'm thrilled and am thoroughly enjoying my moment of triumph! It's not often I snatch back a little piece of my life from those pesticide despots, that hold me captive.

Of course I was dismayed at the lack of coordination I now have. I worked while going to college, as a graphic artist. I painted graphics on the walls around the college. I used to be able to trim a window or base board with a 2" brush, and even cut a 90* corner, without tape. Not true anymore. The poisoning has robbed me of my fine motor skills. I persevered. Maybe with practice, I can get them back.

I had to shut the windows down about 4:00. I saw the melon farmers "fertilizer" truck go by. The one I suspect is full of fungicide... I woke up with vacuum hose eyeballs again this morning. Ya think he dripped chlorothalonil thru his system? I do.

I also processed spinach yesterday morning and knit on a cute little lamb, for my new granddaughter. I finished it today. Since I wasn't moving, it was a good "day after" project.

Other than cleaning Rosie's ears, I haven't done much more today than wool carding, mending & vacuuming. Hmmmm, I guess for TIs, that's a lot. I also got the kitchen cleaned up and am baking a meat loaf. Wow!!! I am getting better!! Funny how it sneaks up on me.

Oh, yeah, my Keurig replacement arrived yesterday. I'm back to drinking good coffee! I hate the taste of paper filtered coffee. Even natural, un-bleached paper filters. Yes, I'm spoiled. I have to own that one. If it helps, I did a month of paper filter penance. :-}

Saturday, May 12, 2012

A Bright Spot

For the moment, the air is clear. I managed to outsmart the melon farmer, and avoid being toxed when he applied fungicide through his drip system Thursday night. You see I read the label on chlorothalonil and while it gave a 12 hr. REI, it said that workers shouldn't be allowed back in the field, without PPE for 6 1/2 days, if it was applied through drip tube, under plastic. Which is exactly what he's doing! So, since he's never cared about my life, or the lives of other people who've complained over the years, I wasn't surprised to see workers in the field Thursday. They weren't wearing protective equipment, there were children, and it had only been 4 1/2 days. Since he'd applied after the workers left before, I reasoned he'd do the same thing that day. I checked cautiously Thursday evening, sure enough, he was applying. I started to react, just opening the door. I reacted to the dogs the next morning when they came back in from potting. Looks like I'll be locked down for most of the summer. But today, now that I've finished painting the ceiling in my daughters old room (VOC free paint), I'm going to jump outside and weed, until someone sprays! Take a few minutes and visit my Facebook page. Please use the link to the petition requesting President Obama to declare "Toxic Injury Awareness, Education and Prevention Month." Please sign the petition. Even if you don't live in this country! President Obama is globally minded, and what happens in one country affects what happens in other countries. Together, we can make a difference. :-)

Monday, May 7, 2012

Aaaaaand Here's Why!

You'd think Sunday morning would be peaceful. Not so for TIs. Here's an excerpt from an email I sent to a friend this morning... "I took the dogs out yesterday morning and got an exposure. Some one applied chemical and didn't tell me. It was horrible. It blistered my esophagus, & stomach, stopped all gut motility, caused me to blow up like Willie Wonka's blueberry girl, my liver distended, My kidneys shut down, I had interstitial cystitis, & lymphatic impaction in several places- right leg, arm pits, breasts, spine-, I actually weighed myself this time. I put on 6 lbs., my whole endocrine system was inflamed! My uterus, & appendix were also swollen & burning, my brain hurts, my eyeballs hurt - like they are stuck in the end of the vacuum tube, from behind... my bones hurt and every cell in my body hurts. Yesterday, I wanted to die, so it would stop. And, I was mad that they would drive me to that point. That they can legally continue to do that to me. That they could very nearly kill me, because one of these times it will... And they would rob me and my loved ones of my life. Yet, I'm too damn chemically bludgeoned to figure out how to stop it. So I sent out two letters. One to the President, asking for a national proclamation (both Peggy & I have been too sick to petition the governor's this year) one to the Governor, whose meeting with a group from the Triangle lake area, asking him to outlaw pesticides in Oregon. I sent my testimony & support. Not very effective, but I don't know what else to do. Where is my superhero when I need him? Oh God! It's me, and I am Under-Under Dog!! It's not looking good for our heroine." And that is why I would like to be someone other than me. It is sooooo "old!" I'm fighting my way out of the pit, again! I'm wracking my brains for ways to stop this! If you haven't signed one of the "Safe Chemicals Act" petitions, through "Safer Chemicals, Healthy Families" or the Sierra Club, who's partnering with them, PLEASE, do it now!! NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS!!!! NOBODY ELSE SHOULD BE FORCED (by toxic consumer product & environmental chemicals, TO HAVE TO BECOME LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!! Here's a link: https://secure.sierraclub.org/site/Advocacy?pagename=homepage&page=UserAction&id=8681&autologin=true&s_src=710ZSCSH01

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Did You Ever Wish...

That you were somebody else? I think we all do it. That's why we go to movies, or read books, or play video games. There, for a little while, we can be somebody better or more powerful. Our lives can be a little less boring, or painful or destitute. I used to think that I could be who ever & what ever I wanted. But I was wrong. I'm not that powerful. The world, not even my world, isn't under my control. That's an illusion. Those of you, out there, who live under duress know this is true. Only those that live in protected, naive, safe, little worlds believe in "the power of positive thinking." The rest of us know it's a lie. I had someone tell me this last week that if I changed my screen name, to something positive, I'd get better. REALLY!? So, what she's saying is if I call myself Something like, "Fluff-bunny of Miraculous Healing" "BOOM!!!!", or is that "Poof!!!" I'd be well?!? Yeah, that's not going to happen... I bet people who are being raped or tortured or starving or living in war zones, or in poverty, get really tired of that arrogant attitude. Because, you know, it's the ones who think they have it all together, through their own power, that profess it. The same ones that have never faced real hardship. It's like they blame us, for the calamities in our lives... Like we're not trying to fix it. Or not trying hard enough, according to them. Which is, in the end, sublimely arrogant. They've set themselves up as god. I don't know how many of you readers have TI, or some other similar affliction, but you know what we go through, day in, day out... The endless protocols. The striving to avoid toxins. The struggling to survive organ damage, etc. So many of you have faced the very real, physical symptoms that trace amounts of toxic chemicals bring on. How many of you were told "it's all in your head." or "if you weren't focusing on negative things your wouldn't have that condition." or how about "you draw that to yourself, when you think about those things."? Huh?! Really?! And how many of you tried to think positively? Do those people really think we haven't tried "positive thinking"?!!! They're essentially saying we're stupid! We're not stupid, and yeah, we tried it! We are that desperate. It doesn't work. If it did, there would be more people who survive tragic accidents. It didn't work at the Twin Towers. It didn't work in Oklahoma City. It doesn't work in war torn countries. It doesn't work. And for anyone to throw that in our faces is the height of insensitivity. They should be slapped. Do any of you, out there, remember when it was socially acceptable to slap someone for being that rude and insensitive? I think we need to bring that back. But, back to the beginning of this conversation. Today, I'm really wishing I wasn't me. I'm too tired and painful to come up with someone better. So, help me out here, who would you want to be? If you could be someone else for one day,... Who would you be?

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

It Was an Impressionist Wedding

I survived it and it was mostly due to poor video feed quality. Ironic. The thing I wanted the most was to attend my son's wedding. Since I was unable to access the accommodations necessary to allow me to attend in the time that I was allotted, we arranged to Skype it. My husband took a hot-spot and we arranged to have it hooked into the tv, so everyone who wanted to come to the Skyping (because they couldn't afford to go to the wedding)could watch it comfortably. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the signal strength was poor. The bride's sister was able to Skype it also, off our hotspot, and that was a huge blessing to the bride. Her sister's husband had recently been transferred to Italy, with their whole family. It meant a lot to both of them. I don't know how clear her picture was, but ours was like a Monet painting. Impressionistic. Though the still shots were a bit better. I figured out right at the end, that I could take them. Here is one for you.


So I got to see it, and then again, not. I suppose, had I been able to see their faces (and expressions) I would have bawled my head off. But, as I had to focus on figuring out what everything was, it was too distracting, for much crying. It was surreal. I'm glad I got to see what I did, but it was still extremely unsatisfying. I told myself that at least I'd have the pictures and video that my husband took. He forgot. He assures me there was someone there taking pictures and video, and I can have a copy of that. I'll believe that when I see it, too. So I tried to get some details out of my husband. He notices very little. His impressions: they seemed happy. The Pastor was a larger version of our old Pastor. Her (the Bride's) uncle was a mini version of his (my husband's) uncle. Her one aunt was the one in charge. They all seemed like nice people.

 I got introduced to several of them over Skype, and they were so blurry, I wouldn't recognize them if I bumped into them on the street. Nor could I tell what they were saying. The audio feed was pretty broken up. I mostly smiled, nodded and looked interested. I wanted to say nice things to the bride, welcoming her to the family, but she looked like she wasn't hearing everything I was saying either. I was grateful and sad and frustrated all at once. I was happy for them. I think they were smiling beatifically. After the wedding, we logged off and served a "wedding breakfast" of waffles with strawberries and whipped cream. We had champagne, as well. We even made toasts to the absent bride & groom. Then my daughter and her husband left for church and my parents-in-law stayed over another day so they could see their son. They left yesterday about 10:00 a.m. And I sat down for a few minutes and passed out until 3:00. So now, I'm trying to get my 'normal' life back on track. I have this empty, achy spot inside me. I'm told by other TIs that it will never go away. It's the being forced to miss those once in a life time occasions. It's a type of robbery. Something precious is stolen from us and we can never get it back. As Peggy says, "it's wrong on so many levels."

 I'm supposed to get to throw them an Oregon reception. I can't even count on that. I can't even count on being here. I'm frustrated, and sad. I'm struggling to move forward. That's hard.