Sunday, June 3, 2012

Frustration

I find myself frustrated, a lot. Yesterday was a locked in day, and a Saturday. The melon farmer put pesticide out through the drip system during the night. I can tell because it permeates the house through cracks and crevices, and I get hurt. I woke up with the eye pain that feels like your eyeballs are being sucked with a vacuum, from behind, and they're stuck in the end of the tube. Then I threw up all morning and part of the afternoon. Doesn't leave much room for doubt... So, I would have loved to have been able to do something fun. Instead, I stayed home, imprisoned, while my husband took off to a nearby city, to pick up baler parts. He took my daughter and son-in-law with him. They had lunch in a nice little bistro, and took in a car show. When he returned, he came in, tossed his keys on the counter and went back out to work on the baler with a neighbor and friend. He returned after 9:30 at night, and didn't speak to me until after 11:00. All his words were used up for the day. My marriage is falling apart. He's leaving me behind, and moving on with his life without me. He sees nothing wrong with his behavior. There is nothing that I can say or do to change my situation. I'm powerless to stop it. If I protest or complain, it will only accelerate the abandonment. This is just another devastating part of what happends to the TI. I find it supremely frustrating. It's like my life is a whirlpool of destruction and I am being sucked, inexorably t'word the middle. I feel like many people think That I should accept whatever crumbs of their time, or rudeness and hurtful behavior they dish out and "like it." Like maybe my being disabled means that I'm not entitled to full social status. There was this one very hateful, vicious woman on a blog that verbally attacked me, out of the blue. It was so horrific, it made me ill. I left the blog for a time. While I was gone, she apologized to the others for what she'd said. She made nice and was welcomed into the community. When I healed a little and went back to the blog, there she is buddy-buddy, with my friend. So she makes an insincere "public apology" to me. But she never owned what she did. She never even mentioned it. She just said she was "sincerely sorry" and then went on to tell me how she has a right to her opinion and how I can learn to accept her and respect her. O' sure, she said "each other," but that was just aggrandizing bull puckey. Then she threw in my face how she was now great friends with my friend... Venomous snake. So I'm frustrated. I love Edmond Burke's quote, "Evil prevails when good men do nothing." But this is one of those times when anything I do, won't help... Frustrated.

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