Friday, December 6, 2013

For Every Up, There's a Down

I was so looking forward having everyone here for Thanksgiving. It did not go as I planned. 

I asked for their clothes to be mailed a month in advance, the clothes arrived 2 days after they did. We had something most of them could wear, but not everything they needed. Having to buy clothes last minute, from smelly stores, and try to wash them as best I could, then wash their clothes as fast, and as best I could when they arrived, while they anxiously waited, undid all my hard work at getting better. :-( Yes, I got to see them, and I'm thankful for that, but I paid a terrible price. You see, I can't get the fragrances out that fast. My guests can't smell anything, so they start thinking I'm crazy, or just being a bitch, and they start getting angry. So I got the clothes to a level that I thought I might be able to survive. Then I built a fire and opened doors and windows. I started to have symptoms immediately, anyway, and it went downhill very fast. When they get angry, they must think I'm faking my condition, or exaggerating it. They were slipping in a bit of their regular product, or a fragrance free one they found, thats still toxic.  I'm stuck! When I bring my disability up, to try to let them know that I need them to not use their personal care product in my home (even though I've already told them) they get defensive. I was told by one person that they "... already knew everything about my disability and (they didn't) want to hear it." I'm grieving, as it puts me in a very agonizing predicament. They don't know "all about it" or I wouldn't have been having the problem I was having. I thought, "Whoa! That's arrogant!! I've been studying this issue since 1983, and I still don't know everything." I bit my tongue; I didn't say it. My achalasia returned in force. By keeping the windows open during the day I was able to keep the visual appearance to the level of a tobacco chewer with a spit cup. At night when we close up the house, it raged out if control. I didn't sleep for 4 days/nights. I puked every 3 to 10 min. The 3 minute intervals weren't as bad as the 10 minute intervals because I'd fall asleep due to exhaustion, then puke and aspirate it, and wake up choking and drowning in my own vomit. I'd spend the next hour trying to cough it out of my lungs, while continuing to regurge, only to repeat it when I past out again. Not only that but the chemicals in their products sent my lymphoma spiraling. They swelling and pain was horrendous! My liver and kidneys were damaged and screaming in agony. Everything in my thoracic cavity was so swollen and inflamed I was having compression heart attacks. There was so much pain it hurt to move. Even move my legs! Walking was almost impossible. Of course, all fragrance has pesticide, so I'm experiencing the OP poisoning symptoms as well. Primarily the pain in your feet and legs like someone is holding a blowtorch to them. I'm stuck because I can't talk to them about it with out making them angry. I'm stuck because I couldn't ask them to leave without offending them. My daughter didn't speak to me for 9 months after I had to ask her to move out of my house for the same reason. And there's no way to ask them to leave that doesn't come across bitchy!!! I'm gieving. I told my son, when he called this week, "No personal care products are allowed to come in my house. You'll have to use only what I provide." He got defensive. They were going to stop by when they moved back to Oregon at Christmas. I was informed they would not be. I'm gieving! I lose family, relationships, my position in the family, and the essence of who I was, because of this disability and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Its leaving me completely alone and isolated because they can't get their minds around the compexity of the condition. They don't get that I don't want to have to ask for these accommodations, I need them. 

After they left I began the process of decontaminating my house. They left on Friday. By Tuesday I was running the bedding of the person who used the most toxic hair products. It volatized out of the laundry, even with the exhaust fans going and the doors and windows open. It put me into a state that was so bad I wanted to go to the ER. Its the icepick to the chest and back, pain that feels like you're being ripped apart by elephants, and all the classic signs your having a major heart attack. Even after another emergency shot, the pain was not subsiding. I'm rocking and sobbing, and longing with my soul to have somewhere that I can go for help. I have to keep reminding myself that if I go to the ER, it will kill me. But, I desparately want "help!" I'd done all I could do, I was on the edge of the blade, I would survive it, or not. No hope. No help. I endured hours of grueling torture before it subsided. My husband, bless his heart, did not lose control and try to take me to the ER, and he did everything I asked him to. He took the partially washed laundry out of the wash machine, and put it in a muck bucket on the back porch. (Its still out there, and I don't know how I'm going to get the chemicals out of my previously organic bedding.) Then he cleaned out the washer and filled the tub with hot water and detergent. I'm still working on decontaminating my house. I'm afraid I'm going to have to tell them they can't come until they get an attitude adjustment. :-( That breaks my heart, because I know it will piss them off, and they won't speak to me for a very long time. :-(...

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