Friday, September 18, 2015

And Then It Got Worse

Well, what I thought was a cold, wasn't. I got clued in when water began running out of my nose and filling my lungs. It happened slowly: A trickle, a damp cough. By the end of the day I was coughing up mouthfuls at a time, gasping for breath between them. It was another desparate fight for my life. Of course it lasted for days and cascaded from the initiating problems clear through my damaged immune system and its flawed attempt to cope. By now you probably know the drill... Its been a week. I've barely gotten any food in. Just when I think we're past the worst, another wave comes in. I couldn't get an appointment with Dr. Smith until this coming Tuesday. In the meantime, I just have to deal with it. 

I always write a post visit report concerning my reactions. It helps move us forward to resolve my issues. It was hard this time. I worry about how it will be received. Dr. Stevens has been terrific when I've brought up things that didn't work in the past. Everything he's done has been above and beyond, way beyond. His wife and son (the team) are the same. These are rare, and great people. But I've been thrown out of offices, spit on, cursed at and verbally assaulted for just telling other doctors that I can't take pharmeceiticals. I'm gun shy. I can't stop the apprehension. I tried to write a report that covered what happened, what I thought may be the problem areas, and at the same time express my appreciation and admiration of Dr. Stevens and his staff. They are the best dentist and team I've ever had! But I'm sure they have their own "gun shy" reactions. I realize that in the current climate of lawsuit crazy people, that they've got to have worries about that. I don't want them to worry about that. It isn't relevant. 

I knew going in that there would be times when things wouldn't work out, and would go terribly wrong. There always is. I tell people about it at the outset. I think many of them don't take me seriously, think I'm exaggerating, or a "hypochondriac." No, I've just lived through it before... Even if they do take me seriously, I don't think that they are prepared for how delicate the balance is, or the realities of falling off. Its the difference between watching a show about tornadoes and living through one. I can tell them, but they don't quite get it. Even the people that see the aftermath, still don't get it. 

Its taken years for my husband to "get it." Part of its my fault. I have to protest and complain about so much, to protect myself, that I keep a lot of the reactions to myself. I was worried about my report, and not offending my dentist, so I read it to my husband before I sent it. I wanted Ron to tell me if it came across as accusitory. I'm not accusing anyone. I just wanted to let them know what happened so we don't repeat the things that didn't work.  I could tell Ron was stunned. He'd had no idea what I was going through. He's not here during the day. He leaves at 7:00 a.m.. He gets back at 9:00 p.m. He sleeps at night. I try not to disturb his sleep. How would he know? He doesn't read my blog. He'd been complaing that he's the only one "working around here." I understand how he feels. I'd feel the same way. I feel guilty about not being able to help more. But since I read him the report, he hasn't been complaining... Now he just looks worried sick. I hate that too. :-( :-( :-(

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