Friday, September 11, 2015

Wrapping up

I didn't share with you in the last post, the number of times I broke down and cried. Me, who never used to cry at all. I'm existing at my breaking point. Too much helplessness. Too much physical, chemical assault. To much pain. Too much isolation. To me, being with my family is the most important thing. Because of how I've been injured, I've been robbed of the ability to be with them except under the most extreme accommodations. I don't get to visit my children's homes, or attend their dinners or parties. I get minimal involvement in their, and my grandkid's lives. My father is dying, and I don't even get to go see him. Its heartbreaking! Being further injured with every chemical application during the growing season, and being forced from my home is a lot like being a war refugee. By the end of the season I'm pretty fragile, both physically and emotionally. I've mentioned my PTSD before. This is the time when its most likely to rear up and overwhelm me like a river in flood. My grief, stress, and fear can careen out of control in a nano-second and for what seems like to an observer, for no apparent reason. I don't have control over it. A sight, sensation smell or even using up my energy reserves, lack of sleep or exhaustion can cause the dam to crumble or crack. I've been struggling since August. 

The night before I came home this last time is a pretty good example. As I lay down to sleep in the reverberating quiet, in the deep darkness where nothing distracts me, the harshness of my reality bludgeons its way into my consciousness. I can no longer hold it at bay. I knew the daunting amount of work I'd have to do when I got home. I bawled in shear exhaustion and despair. I knew just as surely, I didn't have it in me to get it done. Not after the mostly sleepless week I'd spent. I knew the glyphosate would still be present. I knew I'd get additional injuries. I knew that since I haven't been home to do the constant decontamination thats required for me to keep my home safe, that it too would be contaminated. Ron tries but you can't clean what you don't perceive. Then there's the sorting out and picking up the threads of my life that I had to drop when I left. Its always a huge mess. Knowing how bad its going to be is a lot like going to your own execution. Yeah, I bawled. I'm not proud of it, but its part of my reality. Omitting it doesn't give a very clear picture.

I finally fell asleep with the thought that at least I got to go home tomorrow. I tried to focus on the positive. It lasted as long as it took us to get up, have coffee, get stowed and unplugged. About 30 min. My truck battery was dead. Good thing there were no fires. I wouldn't have been unable to broom away! It was 7:00 a.m. and I was dead in the water. Mr. Bill didn't get up until sometime between 9:30 and 10:00. I never saw him before 10:00 anyway. No horn, so I couldn't honk even if I wanted to. What I ended up doing was writing him a note and taking it down to his campsight. I stuck it in his chair and weighed it down with a rock. I figured if I woke him up, he would not be very "helpful." It didn't turn out very well for me as it was. There was so much fragrance that it burned my eyes, skin and mucus membranes. Rosie and I both had to take decontaminating showers (and I changed clothes) when we got back. Eventually Mr. Bill came up and let me know he'd called the Parks Manager, Greg to come jump my battery. We eventually got out of there with strict orders not to turn off the engine until we got home! 

Its taken me until the first part of this week to get everything sorted back out. I've been watching Joey-boy, which I love, even though its physically exhausting.

I had another dental visit this Thursday. We'd had to postpone twice because of spraying. Since my daughter is due with her second child I was concerned I'd have to postpone again. I'll be watching Joey when she goes into the hospital. I felt really terrific on Thursday. I thoroughly enjoyed the 1 hour and 45 minute drive. I was even in a good enough mood to feel like singing. Unfortunately I couldn't remember the words to very many of the thousands of songs I used to know. I had to settle for the first part and the chorus to "Kisses Like Fire" and "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog." After that, the best I could manage was "The Muffin Man." I made up my own words to the tune, since it was so lame. I thought I was doing pretty good, health wise... Unfortunately I was not emotionally prepared for getting more restorations. Somehow I was under the impression this was a follow up cleaning and materials check. It upset me. It shouldn't have, but I was still too near the edge. Then, while Dr. Stevens was taking an x-ray, I had difficulty with dysphagia and choking. I had flashbacks to some of my suffocation events. That triggered the PTSD. There I was, in the chair anxiety attack and raging emotions storming over the walls like the Uraki and Orcs in "The Last Battle." I'm shaking from head to toe on a cellular level (think vibrating) and I'm fighting to remain calm. Then tears start pouring out. Poor Dr. Stevens! I'm sure that was alarming. There I was suddenly crying for "no apparent reason." I had to ask for "a minute" to get it all back under control. I hate it when that happens, but I can't help it. Its humiliating.

Anyway, I had another gum line (and below) cavity, that I'd felt developing all summer, filled. My one really bad one from last year re-abcessed. Since I'd developed several boils (skin abscesses?) over the summer and several since I got back, I'm not at all surprised. Its got Dr. Stevens worried though. He worked on that filling a bit. He felt, since there was so much blood last time that perhaps it had gotten moisture in there. This time he used a different method that didn't include cutting. I'm not sure that its an infection, per se. What I've noticed with my damaged systems is that I have developed pathways for the congested lymph to get out. I will get boils in the same places: Behind my right ear lobe, At the top of my left ear, At the same places at the back of my skull, and shoulders, etc. It fits with the research that I've read on lymph capillary/node damage and function. So I'm thinking since there was so much damage to the lymph ducts last year, coupled with my lymphadenopathy, that this may just be a similar expression of excessive lymph congestion localized in that area. But I will make an appointment to get a C drip with Dr. Smith to help it clear. I wasn't aware it was flared up. It feels so much better that it did last year, I didn't even notice. Dr. Stevens told me I have a few more cavities. I made another appointment. Hopefully I'll be able to keep it. He'd focused on the major ones last year, so now he's working on the "smaller" ones. Though when I asked to clarify that they were just "small" the eyerolling look I got said, "smaller!" Bummer. I was hoping that was all. I got a better score on my overall condition, though not where either of us wants it yet. Its really going to be tough to get my overall health back up to a level where I don't have to work as hard to keep my teeth and gums healthy. I'm not there yet. :-( 

I took a wild detour on the way home. I was trying to go by the health food store and took the wrong exit. I was "misplaced' for about 30 min. Not lost, but not where I wanted to be. I finally got home, weary to the bone. I did nothing but rinse with salt water and take it easy the rest of the day. 

I woke up with a sinus infection and a cold. Over did it yesterday. Always on the edge. Phphphphhhhhht! :-p (raspberry)

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