Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Trying Something Different

Thursday May 19, 2016

5:50 a.m.
I'm up. Everything's ready but the coffee and unhooking. It will be a 5 hour drive, so I figured I better have my coffee. 

7:48 p.m.
We arrived about 1:30 p.m. I stopped to meet with my husband, for supplies and waste water disposal, when I got down to I-84. I topped my tank at my favorite accommodating station and stopped again at a rest stop outside of La Grande. Just to be on the safe side I stopped for gas in Baker City, too. Their pumps were down. They could only sell gas if you payed inside with cash. I "phoned a friend." Actually I phoned my father-in-law. He ran right over with a couple of $20s. I only needed one. That guy is still at the top of my heroes list. I took my time driving as the winds were blowing 20 mph, with gusts above that. It took me longer, but it was safer. If I drive at or above 60mph, the wind can (and has) actually pick up my RV and deposit it in the other lane. Not all the way of course but enough to cause an accident. I'm all for avoiding that! Since I skipped breakfast I set my RV up quickly. It wasn't really level.  Once I got some soup in me, I added a few more blocks to my stacks. I spent the entire afternoon on the phone catching up with friends! I have regular cell service here. I am in much better spirits! The spot I picked is last on the loop and upwind of everybody. Hopefully, I won't smell people. More people have come in since I got here. The forecast is for storms and rain, maybe there won't be too big a crowd.  I'll pay for 2 days at a time, incase it doesn't work out so good. We've been out for Rosie to do her business and not had any trouble. 😀 So far, so good. We're ready to see what tomorrow brings. 


Friday, May 20, 2016

8:22 a.m.
I was up in the night with pain so I slept in. I don't think I ate enough sugar yesterday to keep up with my porphyria. I'm feeling the effects of all that exertion.  I'm certainly dragging.. 

Rosie is loving this spot. Her dinette seat window allows her to monitor everything that goes on on our loop. During my first cuppa she gave the alarm. I got up and peered up the road. A dump truck hauling a hoe. O' no! There are survey stakes in the hook-up right behind me! We watched, they didn't stop! Yay!!!! They drove past us to the end of the loop and turned left, back t'ward the picnic tables and boat launch. Pretty soon a flat bed with 3 dirty barrels strapped on the back came by. I wasn't worried this time. They followed the same path as the truck and hoe. I finished my second cup of coffee when Rosie signaled more movement. My nearest neighbors were leaving. Busy morning.  

I'm planning on resting most of today. Even after 2 cups, I still feel draggy. I just don't bounce like I used to. Even though there's more traffic, I feel better because I'm not cut off from communications. Four months of mostly solitary confinement is torture. I appreciate that Greg checked on me at Ansen-Wright by radio when he was going by. But it was so very brief. I appreciate that Ron was checking on me by the prepaid mountain phone at Cutsforth, but it too, by necessity, was brief. I used a few of those precious minutes to call some family occasionally, when I couldn't stand it anymore. That too was rare and brief. The isolation, combined with Sandy's discrimination and slanderous accusations really crushed my spirit. Being able to call people has revived me. My wilderness property will absolutely have to have cell phone accesses.  


Saturday, May 21, 2016

8:33 a.m.
My weekend neighbors, that arrived yesterday afternoon, have been blessedly non-smelly! Even the people nearest me aren't stinky. Rosie and I have been able to go out without harm. I still make sure there's no traffic on the road and no dogs or people, but its working out real well. 


Sunday, May 22, 2016

Yesterday was pretty mundane: Knitting, reading. Today was the same. Ron did come with supplies and to do waters. He was pulling his boat and met his parents and brother at the boat launch. They spent several hours fishing. He and his brother stopped by on there way out to visit for just a few minutes.


Monday, May 23, 2016

It started well. Ron called on his way to work as I was opening the window to pull down the awning. The wind shifted as I was closing it and blew in across my nearest neighbors. The man was outside with one of his dogs. After my phone call with Ron I went back to reading Foxes' Book of Martyrs. It wasn't long before I realized I was feeling ill. The whole thing turned very bad very quickly after that. I tried taking a bunch of the caps that I had inside, but what I really needed was a shot. I couldn't risk going out to get one, without knowing what got me and if it was still there! I was having fever and chills so bad I was cramping. I cranked up the heaters to try to get warm. Eventually I was able to make some herbal teas to help clean my blood of 'whatever it was.' I kept taking caps. Finally I slept. When I woke up it was to realize that I now had both peristalsis and symptoms of endocrine system disruptors. I reasoned that the neighbors must have used an insecticide on themselves or their dog. I didn't know if it was on their camp chairs and still present or not. 

I called the camp manager to see if there was a different spot where I could move to. She told me she would drive around and look and to call her back in 45 minutes. When I did, she said there wasn't one. This campground has a lot of spots! They only had 12-18 campers in the whole camp! I asked her how long my neighbors were going to stay. I thought that maybe if they were going to leave the next day, I could wait it out. She said she didn't look at the post. I knew it would be on her computer... But I didn't let on that I knew she was lying by inference. I asked her if someone could come help me unhook so I could go to a safer area and get out and get my IV. She said she'd ask the camp hosts. It took hours to get an answer from her. Her final answer was, "No. We won't help you. It would be a liability issue." She'd put me off, while I was fighting for my life, and refused to help me for hours! Ron called his 80 year old father, who drove up, with my mother-in-law, to unplug me, so I could drive down to the boat ramp and get out to get my shot. I got a lecture from my anxious and frustrated husband over letting her draw it out that long. He said I should have known she was going to say no from the start. 

It took me 30-40 minutes to recover enough, after my shot, to decide what to do. I couldn't see getting plugged back into that spot; we still wouldn't be able to get out. So I decided to try to drive home. I was still feeling awful. I'd just have to do it in small steps, with lots of rests. Thats what I did. It took about an hour and a half from the shot, before all the fever and chills abated. Mostly after that it was pain. I troweled on arnica balm, and took some sublinguals. I made it 3/4s of the way home and then stopped at Deadman Pass for a nap. I made it home by midnight. Its still toxic here, but less than up at Union Creek Campground.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Another major crash. I don't know why. I gave myself the shot. I made eggnog.  I did scalding showers and sauna. I called and got an appointment to see Dr. Smith as soon as I could get there. Called Ron to come take me. I got the Meyer's cocktail. He tried several other things on me. Doing blood and urine tests tomorrow. Still hurt all over. Weak and exhausted. He didn't seem to listen to Ron or I about the exposures. He wants to try some new protocol he learned about. Homeopathy. At this point I'm going to let him. I insisted on blood and urine lab work. I went home exhausted and in less pain. I didn't do much the rest of the day.


Thursday, May 26, 2016

I took my test kit down to the Interpath lab. The nurse was a little annoyed with me at first. I required her to come out to the car to draw my blood through the window. After she got my information and took the kit inside to prep the draw her attitude got better. She must have read my chart. When she came back out she looked astonished. She asked, "What happened to you?!" I gave her an extremely edited version.  

By the time I got that finished and got back home, I was exhausted. I rested the rest of the day.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Ron had promised to babysit Joey and Toby as the regular sitter wanted a 5 day weekend. Mostly he slept on the couch. He's so tired that when he sits down, he falls asleep. I watched the boys. Toby was scared, at first, because he didn't know me. We got to know each other and we all had a great time. I'd forgotten how constant the needs of babies are. My mother-in-law has pretty much spoiled him. Thats what my daughter and son-in-law have been saying. I see what they mean. If I turned my back to get some water for Toby's cereal, he started fussing! O' my! Joey mostly played with his toys himself. I gave him my full attention when Toby went down for naps. I was pretty tired afterward. I loved my time with the boys.


Saturday, May 28, 2016

I was going to rest today, so I'd be ready to watch Toby on Tuesday, only Ron volunteered me to watch them to our daughter. Instead of taking his word for it, she called me to verify. She was concerned I'd be too tired. I told her I was too tired for 2, but I thought I could take one for a couple of hours. I got Joey. Little 3 year olds do not like being drug around shoe shopping with their mother. We made eggnog. Joey got to separate the eggs! He was very excited. He called to Ron as Ron was gathering supplies to work on my RV refrigerator, "Look Poppa! I do the eggs!" He did too. He didn't spill or drop them or anything. I'd given him a small glass with the separator tool on it.  I'd pour the egg in, he'd jiggle it around and tap it until the white was all slipped off. Then he'd pour it into the pan. I had him put in the scoops of sugar, too. I tried to let him stir, but that was too boring for a Joey-boy. He got down from his step stool and ran around for a few minutes. When the eggnog was done, he helped me put everything away. Then we had lovely cups of warm eggnog.  He was full of energy today. We were playing in his room when Ron came into ask me some questions. While I was distracted Joey started jumping on the bed. It actually has bowed wooden slats not springs, so I don't allow jumping on it. I had to get after him. I could tell he knew darn well he wasn't supposed to be doing it too. I ended the conversation by taking him into the living room, pulling all the couch cushions off onto the floor, and telling him to ask if he wants to jump on the furniture, and I'd tell him which furniture he could jump on. I pointed to the cushions lined up on against the couch. "You can jump on that" I said. He grinned and threw himself into the game with all his excess energy. After several minutes of bouncing on the cushions, he stopped and pointed to the deck of the couch, 

"Can I Jump there, Nama?" He asked. I was very pleased that he'd learn the lesson so quickly.

"Sure. I don't mind if you jump there Sweetie." I answered. Its an old couch. It won't hurt anything. He was thrilled and exuberantly ricocheted all around the couch and cushions. It helped him to burn off all that extra energy he had.  

He did seem to be a little whiney and fussy whenever he'd hurt himself. I think he must be getting a cold. He did have boogers. When he'd get a bonk and start crying I did the traditional grandma's, "Aww, come here. Let me kiss it better." He'd come over I'd hug him and kiss it and I'd check it out, to make sure it wasn't serious. If he kept crying or whining that tired fussy cry I'd say, "I think it must need some extra special Grandma kisses!" Then I'd kiss it and flurbert (raspberry) it several times until he was laughing and trying to get away. Then I'd say, "Are you sure it feels all better?" I'd squint an eye at the alleged owie. "It looks like it needs more to me!" And I'd make a general motion to recapture the victim, uh, er patient. He'd make sure he was out of range before assuring me it was fine now. LOL I had a great time.  

Sunday, May 29, 2016
I'm still tired. I'm not getting much sleep at night. I'm either regurging or choking up snot. I'm going to have to try washing my bedding. Maybe it got dusty... I vacuumed the floors and dusted when I first got home, but I didn't do anything with the bedding. Its the only thing I can think of. 


Monday, May 30, 2016

6:10 a.m.
The wash machine quit working yesterday. It wouldn't drain. My bedding is still in a pile on the floor. I slept in a chair, and got more sleep than I have since I've been home. 

I was so exhausted and sick I didn't have the strength to fix the washer. I tried. The error code said it was a drain pump problem. I checked the exhaust hose. I even pulled it off and washed it out. I tried running the washer on drain and spin with the hose hanging t'ward the floor, over a bucket. Didn't help. By that time I'd spent everything I had. When Ron came in he pulled the washer out of the closet and took off the rear access panel. I held things, or fetched tools. We worked our way through the drain system. We cleaned everything up to the drain pump. Its located in the front of the washer and we were going to have to take off the entire housing to reach it. We were trying everything else first. During one test run, one of the hoses we'd removed and cleaned came off and flooded the back room. Luckily Ron caught it quickly. It was actually a fortuitous thing. It flushed out the drain pump, as well as giving me an opportunity to mop the floor. A pea sized ball of lint came out. After Ron put the hose back on securely, the washer started draining again. 

Our daughter and her family came over for dinner, so laundry activities ceased. I started the company towels and clothes first thing this morning. Hopefully, I'll get to my bedding today. 

6:31 a.m.
Ron just called me out to check out his progress on installing my new RV refrigerator. He worked most of Saturday morning and quiet a bit yesterday pulling the old one, then cleaning and modifying the cabinet. This one doesn't use LP. Its AC/DC. It didn't need the flu. It does circulate air around the back and then back out into the interior of the coach. That made for some complications. The existing cabinet was open at the back to the flu and to the outside through the access panel. Lots of outside air. He asked me how I wanted it sealed. We considered sealing it behind the grill trim and continuing to use the flu, or sealing off the flu and access panel We consulted over the options and chose sealing the flu and access panel. That meant the interior of the cabinet, where the air was circulating had to be sealed with AFM sealers, so that it was non toxic. It was a lot of work. So right after he took Rosie out, he went out and slid the refrigerator into the prepared cabinet space. Its looking pretty good. It slid in perfectly. He hadn't plugged it into 120v power or hooked up the DC (12 volt), so he slid it back out. He had been outgassing the unit while I was gone. I took a test sniff of the fridge interior and the cabinet space while I was out there. Pretty good! 

I'd notice that gasoline smell came back the day after I returned again. I can't smell it today, but my lymphs hurt when I went out to check Ron's progress. 

Turning the Page to Cutsforth

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

5:30 a.m.
I was so tired last night I went to bed shortly after 7:30 p.m. I woke up with detox at 3:00 a.m. I accu-pressured and massaged all the painful spots. They hurt enough to keep me from sleeping but nothing like they'd hurt on Sunday. Just about the time I got all that sorted (around 5:00) the sun came up and the birdies started tweeting. Rosie decided to bite her nails. Snick, snick, snick... The air purifier was wooshing. I gave it up and got out of bed.  

6:20 a.m.
The coffee's on, finally. I had to grind more beans. They were in the 
Mini-fridge, in the rear basement bin. I had to psych myself up to go out and get them. My sweater is bagged: contaminated. My coat, the same. Its cold out there! I sure hope they fix that water this morning so I can get my weather appropriate clothes washed! 

My skin is extruding toxins in hard little pellets like sharp grains of sand. I itch! Even my eyes are gritty.

5:00 p.m.
They didn't get the water fixed today. 😟 

I discovered another source of exposures... Gas, possibly from the blow out in January, or something else toxic, volatizes out of the battery box under the step in the coach entrance when it gets hot. I'd noticed that I had to crack open a vent or window when I ran the heat pump. It was drawing fumes from somewhere. Well today that side of the vehicle got full sun and really heated up. I ran the heat pump on cool with vents open. Later when the shade moved over and covered us I turned the heat pump off. As the day warmed up and the breeze died down I started feeling really ill again. I was thoroughly exasperated and got out the "combustible gas detector" thinking maybe the temperature had caused more ammonia to leak out of the refrigerator compressor. I was going to find where it was coming in! Actually my first thought was, "What the hell!?" Then I went for the detector.  Man did it scream! I had to open all the vents wide and the windows to get it to calm down to a readable level. I started tracking VOCs. I swept the edges of the fridge. The detector said it was coming out of the wall below the fridge at the bottom of of the step. I stuffed the crack full of wool and covered it with duct tape. It was still pinging like crazy! It wasn't the refrigerator! It was coming out of the battery box and pooling in the stair well. Obviously, when its hot and things were closed up the fumes were filling the RV! Great!😱 

I know the last time I had the detector out it wasn't warm and it didn't show up when I swept that spot. Its always something... So I duct taped the bajeezers out of anything and everything in that area until the detector told me no more fumes were coming in. Can I finally stop being TOMA (Toxed Off My Ass) now? 


Wednesday, May 4, 2016

7:00 a.m.
I checked the stairwell last night after I'd closed everything up. There was a response. I applied more duct tape. There was still a slight response. I got up several times during the night to see if it increased. It did not. This morning I swept under the RV with the detector wand. Well as far as it reached without me sticking my face down there. No response. Not even by the generator.  Interesting. 

I did visit with Ron via 'mountain phone' yesterday evening. Its so nice being able to have contact.. He purchased more minutes. 

6:00 p.m.
I did laundry most of the day. I still have a couple items on the line. I'm dodging rain showers. One item I don't care if it gets wet. The other is a seat cover made of a heavy turkish bath sheet. It's the one I'm bringing in when it rains. I got most of the laundry done by getting it mostly dry, then bringing it in here. There wasn't much sun so it was taking too long. I kept running out of room on the clothesline. My compact washer is a Panda. It has one tub for wash/rinse/drain and one for spin. You have to manually add water and turn the dial to agitate or drain. Then you move the clothes to the spin side and set the timer. I rinse my normal clothes twice. Anything that was contaminated I rinsed extra. 

In between I worked on my organizer. I just have the grommets and velcro left.

I don't have the grommets or velcro here. The velcro is for the straps that hold the cables. I have a second, smaller one that I just started hemming. 
Unbelivably, I have more gadgets. 🙄


Rosie didn't like laundry day. She kept trying to poo near my laundry. I don't want my laundry to smell like dog poo! 😒💩 So I'd take her some place else. Then she wouldn't do her business. Eventually I left her in the coach while I ran out and did the next bit.

6:50 p.m.
A huge storm came up really suddenly at about 6:20 p.m.. I grabbed my seat cover and it was too late to go back for the shirt. And its been pouring! Like by the bucket loads. We don't typically have that kind of rain here. The clouds rolled over the mountain tops thick and roiling. The bottom of the cloud was 10 feet off the canyon floor. That would be 30 feet below me. I couldn't see the top. I was just about to run out and unplug us when the thunder started booming and cracking all around us. We were in the thick of it. I hadn't heard any as it approached, until just before it reached us. The lightening was initiating about 10-15' above us. I saw one that was just like a static electrical "spark" only it was huge! It was about the size of a picnic table. I decided I'd be better just turning everything off and staying in. At first Rosie was scared because of the ferocity of the rain. She backed up against me 
and cringed with every gust of driven rain. I just put an arm around her and quietly watched the show. Pretty soon she relaxed and went back to sprawling on the sofa. The thunder didn't appear to bother her, just the pounding of the rain. 


Thursday, May 5, 2016

6:37 a.m.
I was up at 2:30 a.m. with detox. I had a headache along with the other stuff. At first I figured it was from the chlorine I smelled in the water while doing laundry. After an hour I wondered if it was whatever is in the stairwell. I got up, ran the detector and opened all the vents. I opened the door and window this morning. It isn't alleviating it, so maybe its from the chlorine. Heck, it could be from too much sun. 

I'm making coffee. I already took the seat covers back out. Around 8:30 we'll head down and dump the grey water. I'm hoping the seat covers will be dry by then! If not they'll go back to the shower. I need to get the dump done before the first guests arrive. That's today. I called Sandy, the camp host, last night. There will be two campers besides me, and my guests, here over the weekend. One in an RV. One renting a cabin.  I was hoping I'd have until tomorrow. O' well. My plan for the rest of the day mostly involves recovering. 

10:48 a.m.
I'm not very good at "resting." I got the water chores done. I had to dodge the propane truck that came in to fill tanks at cabins while I was trying to dump the grey and getting my RV set back up. He was circling around not only the camp but the privately owned cabins behind me.  I hung my laundry back out, after he left. But I couldn't just rest. I knew I'd need to fill the fresh, but there was too much chlorine in the water still for me to use in here. It kept nagging at me until I got up and ran my regular garden hose out into some shrubbery. I ran the faucet until the chlorine was gone like Greg did at Anson-Wright. That took about 30 minutes. Only I couldn't keep from going out to check it. I found I had to keep checking the laundry too. It's because I'm anxious about the guest coming and possibly contaminating it with exhaust fumes.. Finally a threatening looking storm rolled in and I brought it all in because I didn't want it rained on. Maybe I can rest now...

3:00 p.m.
I took a lovely 2.5 hour nap after lunch. I woke up when a 
smattering of heavy rain hit the roof a few minutes ago. I remembered I needed to bring in the clothes line. I'd left it up thinking the clouds would pass and I'd take the laundry back out. Just before I fell asleep I determined that it was going to be rainy all day. Rosie and I went out to get it when we got up. The guests had apparently just arrived. I didn't hear them drive in. They smelled strongly of super hot brakes. It was amazingly more stinky than trucks coming down cabbage. There was something off about it though. I hope I don't react to that. 😟

Friday, May 6, 2016

10:53 a.m.
Well, no such luck.  They increased their stink. It got foggy. The stink was trapped in the campground and just kept getting stronger. I think they were venting the stink out of their camper. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. with a headache. I tried to open the door to air out the RV, but the stink outside rushed in and seared my throat. It burned my face and eyes, but my throat was way worse! I waited until the wind came up to take Rosie out. There was less stink but I still got an exposure. Its not like they stopped using the stinky chemicals so the air outside has a chance to clear out.  I have the heaters off because heat makes it worse. So I'm sick and cold.  I can't find any place safer to go! So need that wilderness property! 

1:34 p.m.
It just got worse and worse. When I'd crack the window open to check, my mouth and throat would get seared. My stomach and throat were burnt. I'd get the shakes and I couldn't stop them.  I was curled up in the fetal position suffering and miserable. I called Sandy twice today. Once in the morning. I didn't get any help.She just treats me like I'm a hypochondriac. She cuts me off. She pooh-poohs everything I say. She encourages me to leave. She accuses me of trying to ruin the other camper's stay. I thought we were past that! She'd basically told me she despised me because my 
whole life was about my disease. She told me that she hated me because I had multiple health problems, that I must be a hypochondriac,or making it all up to manipulate people or get attention. That's what she said back in 2014, the second time I stayed at Ansen-Wright! She said it indirectly, saying it about "all people that made their whole life about their illness," but there was no mistaking her meaning. She was telling me that that is what she thinks about me. I guess she's been trying real hard to get along but still thinks I'm a faker! 

I just couldn't hack the horrific symptoms anymore. Sandy refused all my accommodation requests that involved staying at Cutsforth. She gave me no choice but to leave. I waited until the wind was blowing hard and from a favorable direction. I stowed everything and broke camp and made a run for it. I drove up the mountain further to an unmanned Forest Service campground. I got everything aired out and am feeling better. My throat is still seared, my pee is dark brown (kidney damage), there is a livid chemical burn coming out on my body, but I'm no longer shaking or as debilitated. I called her the second time from here, at unmanned campground.

So far we had one hiker walk through with 2 dogs. That's it. I shut everything back down when Rosie signaled the dog was coming. The outside of the RV kind stinks like that smell. But, its windier up here so hopefully the wind will scrub the stink off. 

5:15 p.m.
Resting and trying to recover. I've been able to safely take the dog out and access my mini-fridge. I'm currently running the generator to cold up the fridge. 

8:00 p.m.
There have been a couple of people stop to use the restroom this afternoon. There were 4 deer that entered the campground just as Rosie and I were heading out to put away some food. Thats all the company we've had so far. The wind blew pretty hard and cold most of the afternoon and evening. Its dropped off in the last half hour. The cloud cover is breaking up. It will probably be quite cold tonight. I'm a little anxious about being up here by myself, but at least I can breathe. I don't know what other choice I have.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

6:43 a.m.
Well that was an interesting night. Just before midnight I was awakened by a diesel truck pulling in and backing around then it sounded like they cut their engine. I scrambled to a window to look out. It was almost pitch black out there. I could see a few stars but that's it. Then I caught the headlights of something winding its way out the exit road. I wasn't sure if there was still someone in here with me. I figured I'd know more when the moon came up. 

Rosie and I continued watching just incase it was a bad situation. About 10-15 minutes later there were gun shots from a large caliber handgun. I think there were 5. The first two shots were separated. Then there was a group of shots. We kept watch until 2:00 a.m. Nothing else happened. The moon didn't come up. I ran the heat for about 30 minutes. I woke up cold around 5:00 and ran the heat again. About 6:00 a.m. the first person needing the restroom arrived. In the intervening time 2 groups of turkey hunters came in. One guy (and possibly his son) checked his radiator and had a boil over. I hope it doesn't cause me problems. They pretended to just be waiting for the radiator to cool while they 'o so casually, just happened to work their turkey call. They were in a blue over blue GMC. The second truck was banana yellow, street spiffy, and had 2 young guys. They didn't even get out. They just drove around the parameter. I was starting to wonder if I was going to be able to get out to potty the dog and grab my half-n-half for coffee.The sun is up and its a beautiful sunny, clear day. 

In the middle of the night I had realized that I was really worried about wether those stinky people in F13 were actually making meth. They use cough syrup to cook meth. Lots of cough syrup is artificially flavored with cherry. It was my first suspicion when I first smelled them, when it was just the "hot brakes smell," but I passed it off to watching too many cop shows. I didn't want to over-react. Then the stinky got huge, had the strange artificial fruity odor and was so strong it burnt my throat, injured my kidneys and made me so sick I was just dealing with the trauma. Later that day I found that the chemical burn on my torso, was now a large, angry, very bright red, like a stop light red. It was incredibly painful. With the smell and my reactions the more I thought about it, the more convinced I was that it could be meth. Meth is made with ammonia. Ammonia from fertilizer gives me a similar, milder chemical burn. I don't really know what meth smells like. They say "cat pee" but that would be totally different for me. I wish someone who really knows what it smells like would check it out. I'd never get over it if I saved myself and the people I left behind were hurt because I didn't say anything. I had kept trying to tell Sandy when I called her in the morning, but she kept cutting me off and treating me like I was making stuff up. She wouldn't hear it when Imcalled her from here, either.

10:41 a.m.
I had deliberated for hours, including most of the night, and finally called the sheriff early this morning, to tell him what I smelled and let him decide if it was worth checking out. I even told him I have chemical hypersensitivity and it may be nothing. He said he'd send his deputy out just to sniff and see. Around 8:00 a.m. I called Sandy, so she wouldn't be caught off guard, and be mad at me. She was mad anyway, that her other campers would be interrogated. I assured her the deputy was just going to sniff to see if it was meth. She said they were grandparents so they couldn't be druggies. How ignorant is that?! She must have had really nice parents. Because of my teaching degree and license I was trained that even people that look well off and appear nice abuse their kids. Lots of criminals are seniors and lots of parents and grandparents sacrifice their kids for their greed!  I didn't say any of that. She thinks I'm crazy so it wouldn't get in. I repeated that I just ask for a sniff test from the sheriff. She snarled something sarcastic about how I'd ruined the start of her season and angrily hung up on me. 

The deputy (Cromwell) came to see me after he interviewed the people (he said). He didn't smell anything. Yeah, he said he interviewed the people, so he did accost them. 😣 I was surprised he did that because I've interacted with law enforcement for decades and I've never had an officer exceed my request unless there was actual evidence for him to act on. But I tried not to let on that I was dismayed. You don't argue with authorities. He also treated me like I was a crazy person, and that I wasted his time. He was clearly annoyed. He was annoyed that I wouldn't open the window to talk to him. He said he couldn't hear me and didn't want me to write notes. He was also video taping me. He told me that "meth smells like really strong cat pee." He was so antagonistic t'ward me that I didn't bother to explain to him that I smell cat pee and chemicals differently than most people. I discern the components, or notes, like a wine, chocolate or coffee taster, only much more intense than that. He also made a snide remark relating to my comment (which he must have gotten from the dispatcher, since he couldn't hear me...) that this chemical smell had a "fruity note." After he said it smells like cat pee he said, "It doesn't have a fruity note. That would be wine." I didn't make a reply. You can't educate a closed mind. Just because he can't discern the notes doesn't mean they wouldn't be there to people who can. I did try to tell him that I was glad it wasn't meth and that I had called because I was worried. I could tell something was hinky, but have no knowledge of why he was acting the way he was. I feel like I'm the bad guy for being concerned. That's what you get for caring about others these days?

The chemical burn on my torso (and my urine) smells like decomp and that chemical. The rash is starting to fade. The skin there is turning slimey and grey-brown. Even with frequent, careful washings I can't get rid of the horrid smell. It is less painful.

5:49 p.m.
Ron, my daughter and her family got here about 1:30 p.m. I got to visit and play with 2/3 rds of my family. It was very nice. Ron brought me some organic avocados. I shared one with Joey-boy. He does love his fruits and veggies. My youngest grandchild, Toby is at the flirty stage. He flirts with everybody. I hardly get to see him so that was especially precious. He's sitting up and my daughter says he's almost crawling. They roasted hotdogs over the fire. Ron made a potato salad so I didn't have to smell the chemicals in the store bought ones. My daughter said that them coming up to see me was my present. I agreed. It took a lot of effort for them to get up here. She said that Justin (my son-in-law) wanted to get me a gift but she nixed all the ideas because they would have toxed me. I told her how much I appreciated that! I also value the time spent with them more than stuff. They went home around 4:30 p.m.. I changed back to my previous location at this camp. A little old couple had arrived, parked right behind me because it was a shady spot and crawled into their van and took a nap, 30 minutes before my family arrived so we moved to a different location so I wouldn't get toxed by them. Anyway, I moved back here because I can see who is coming and going better. The elderly couple left right after my family. I changed out of that set of clothes. It was smokey. I washed up and put on new clothes, then let the RV air out. It was pretty stuffy and smokey in here. Finally I ran the generator to cool down the fridge. While it was running I heated water and did dishes, and ran the purifier. That pretty much sums up my mother's day.

(The banana yellow truck is camped down near the start of the entrance road when my family drove in.)

Sunday, May 8, 2016

7:52 a.m.
Ron called last evening. He told me that when they left the yellow truck was gone. It was a very quiet night. No one else was even here. I woke up a few times when it got cold, to run the generator. I slept on the couch again, fully dressed incase I had to deal with anything. 

When Ron called he also said he stopped and talked to Sandy on his way home. Apparently the deputy lied to me. He didn't talk to those people. He just drove by. Great, he did exactly what I asked him to do. 😅 Why he'd lie about that I don't know. Sandy told Ron that the (sheriff) talked to her. It was really the deputy. She told Ron that she was very angry about having to talk to the deputy.

Why was Sandy so very angry over having to talk to a deputy? That makes no sense to me, but maybe its a phobia, like some people are afraid of clowns. Apparently (by her admission to Ron) she had called Greg (pitched a hissy) after I told her the deputy would be coming. Ron had a call from Greg. Greg was very upset with me that I called the sheriff. He felt I should have told Sandy about it first. But I did tell Sandy about it first! She just blew me off, laughed at me and said she wasn't going to go down there and tell those people to stop using their smellies (I can't remember the exact word she used). I agreed that she couldn't tell them to stop using chemicals (if they were meth heads, it could have got her hurt). If they weren't, just her grouchiness with me would have made them leave. She would have blamed that on me. I was offended by her insensitive and out of context remark but chose to ignore it to try to get along. I actually talked to her about the intense level of chemical, my experiences and even the three things I smelled, including the synthetic fruity note. I tried to communicate my concerns to her several times. Before I left I even tried to brainstorm with her, a safer spot at the campground. She veto'd all my ideas and when I said I'd just have to leave she pounced on it. When I wondered aloud that maybe I should just leave for every weekend, she said she thought that was a good idea. She sounded quite pleased. 

I relayed all of this to Ron. I included my angst that she was more concerned with my upsetting the feelings of the other campers than she was about upsetting me, and I spend more money there. She's more concerned about their feelings than my health. She completely ignores my rights and doesn't accommodate my disability. She gets just as mad if I ask her to unplug me, or help me to get out safely. We only "get along" when I don't require her help in anyway. Anyway, when Ron told me all this I thought I should just stay here at Coalminer's and not go back. I have no desire to be a pain in anyones ass, or be where I am not wanted. Ron was upset because he worries that I'm not safe. I feel that I'm not safe if I'm somewhere that I have to go out to unplug and breakdown when there are toxins. I feel safer here because I can drive off without unplugging if there are toxins and I can legally attempt to defend myself from physical assaults. I can't legally defend myself from chemical assaults. I  (finally) told Ron that I have long felt that Sandy thinks I'm just a maligner, a whiner and not really disabled. I told him about when she said as much the second time I stayed at Ansen-Wright. I haven't bothered to try to convince her for the same reason that I didn't try to educate that deputy. You can't coerce compassion anymore than you can educate a closed mind. I've just been sucking it up and doing what I had to to get along. Sometimes I think we're making progress, but Sandy has been getting more open with her discriminatory comments these last 2 years. Maybe because I haven't said anything about them and she thinks its o.k.. She behaves as though I'm a second class citizen and that I don't deserve any better. 

Ron relayed that Greg did say I was still welcome to come. I thought that was an odd comment. But still, its Sandy (or Bill, who has the same attitude) that I have to deal with. They don't act welcoming. If I ask for anything they treat me like I'm a huge pain in their asses. I'm stuck though. If I just drive off, like I'd prefer, and try to boondock, its Ron that would be hurt. Its worrying him sick. I can't do that to him. I'm sick of being treated like a big pain to everyone. I'm devastated that there is no place safe for me on this planet. I feel so hated and shunned that I, just for a moment, think it might be easier for everyone else if I died. But then that makes me mad because I realize that I'm becoming brainwashed by their abuse/discrimination that I have no value! I'm just as valuable as they are! I'm not expendable and I have the right to my life and to be safe and breathe clean air. I guess I'm feeling beaten down. You hear it and get treated this way enough times, by enough people, its hard not to start accepting it. I don't tell Ron. It would only add to his stress. Anyway, for Ron's sake I'm returning to Cutsforth tomorrow. He has to file some papers in Heppner so he'll come up here and set me up. He's also going to talk to Greg again. He's emphasizing that this has been blown all out of proportion. I feel that it was Sandy who did that. At first I thought the deputy blew it out of proportion too, but it looks like he did exactly what I asked him to. Then he talked to Sandy. When he came up to see me, he was grumpy and annoyed, and had a similar attitude and made similar comments to what Sandy has. What did Sandy say to him? 

One anomaly in Sandy's comments is that she told me that she was mad because she didn't want her other campers upset. That didn't happen. The deputy didn't talk to them. Then she told Ron that she was mad because she had to talk to the "sheriff." My FBI trainer's told me "Little lie, big lie" If someone lies about little things, they'll lie about big things too. They also said to look for inconsistencies, and changes in their story. It sounds like she was just looking for a justification to be mad at me. Maybe even a justification for getting me barred from the campground. I had no idea she still hated me like this! Or why would Greg say that I "was still welcome?" Somewhere in this mess is the implication that someone felt I was no longer, or should no longer be, welcome. I don't know where that originated. I'm guessing it was probably Sandy. I did tell Ron that the only way that he'd know what really transpired between the deputy and myself, and the deputy and Sandy was to view the tapes. I don't think they let regular people see those... 


Monday, May 9, 2016

8:00 a.m. 
It was very cold last night and this morning. I had to run the generator for 2 hrs to warm it up enough to get out from under the blankets. I had to have 3 last night. 

People watching to alleviate the boredom: Three trucks drove in and waited. They each had 2 people. One released 2 labs. A white forest service car drove in about 20-30 minutes later. Finally another white pick up drove in.  I couldn't see it very well because it was behind all the other vehicles. All the men stood in the middle of the parking lot and held a conclave about (I assume) what they were going to be doing here this morning. The dog's ran loose. I'm watching to see if they are going to use any chemicals.

The group dispersed after 20 minutes and everyone went to their vehicles except the guy in the car. He got into the last to arrive truck. It also had a forest service emblem. I saw it when he pulled out to turn around.The trucks all left. I wonder what they're doing today?

The sun finally broke through. Great! Passive solar heat! Ron called early to see if I needed anything. He said he'd be up this afternoon. I told him how cold it was. He suggested I go down to Cutsforth and plug in. "Not without you." I said. I'm figuring Sandy will want to vent her spleen. I have no intention of just letting her rant all over me. If she comes to my spot and tries it, I'm going to video tape her. Abusers don't if there are witnesses. A video tape is a good witness.

Yesterday the campground only had two visitors. I'm sharing about my people watching because I have nothing else to write about. It can be pretty boring freezing your ass off, stuck in your own personal prison cell... 

They came in together and parked at the trailhead. It was 5 adults and 4 kids. Three of the kids were in carriers. When they came back up they put all the kids in the cars and the youngest couple got out a .38 (judging by the sound) revolver, set up a silver beverage can on a stick and took turns firing at it. The camp is posted that its against the law to discharge firearms within the park. The young couple did have everybody else behind them but their bullets were traveling into the open forest. There was nothing behind their target to stop them. They didn't even hit the can more than twice. I hope they didn't hit any deer. I know the deer like to lay down in there during the day. I hear them jump up, stomp, and run a few steps away when I take Rosie out. Why is it that people think the law doesn't apply to them? Why is it that they just don't think? One of the older guys wasn't very happy about it. He said something and pointed to my rig. He was most likely telling them it was against the law and I was a witness. I took pictures incase an animal turned up dead or wounded. 
 
The good things they did were that they were responsible enough to have everybody well behind them and they weren't shooting in the direction of any structures or me. 

10:00 a.m. 
Its 50°F in here. It clouded up so there is no more passive solar heat. I'm going to have to run the generator again. 

10:30 a.m.
Its snowing. I got the inside temperature up to 57°F.

6:24 p.m.
Ron arrived at Coalminer's around 4:30 p.m.. He followed me back up to my usual  Cutsforth spot and helped me get set back up. We talked a bit. He cautioned me against having anything to do with Sandy at all. He let me know that the reason that Greg was so livid with me when he'd first called Ron is that "somebody" told him that I was trying to deliberately get those people to leave so that I could come back here earlier! Unbelievable!!! The thought of conniving to get what I wanted never even entered my mind!  Its so far outside my nature that I can hardly conceive of anyone being that conniving. A person would have to be a coniver themselves to even come up with that kind of a plan to accuse someone else of being guilty of!!! I'm shocked that "somebody" would be so spiteful, deceitful and hateful that they would tell Greg that was why I did it. Wow!!! And here I was thinking that we were making progress and I was worrying about everyone here's safety! I feel like such a fool! I feel so hated, shunned and alone. I'm heart broken. Why do the hateful "somebodies" always win in this life? I know that on judgement day when the Lamb's Books are opened, and everyone is known for everything that they have done, then I will be vindicated. But, it is so hard to be so misunderstood right now. 

Ron says I just have to let it go... He says I just have to stop being me, the part that's concerned about others. That is an integral part of me. Another part of "me" taken away by this disability. There is hardly any more of "me" left.  I am closer to depression than I have ever felt in my life. 


Tuesday, May 10, 2016

8:15 a.m.
I went to bed and wept for hours. I would not, could not be so deceitful or manipulative. It breaks my heart that anyone would even believe that about me. How quick we are to believe bad things about another person! I'm reminded of the many times I've done the same thing. 😞 The Bible says we should not rush to judgement or..? I couldn't remember what came next. I went looking for that scripture and came upon Proverbs 15:4b "a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit." That is exactly how I feel! Then I found Psalm 38. It so puts words to my grief! Here are a few of the verses, though the whole Psalm applies. 

38:6 "I am bowed down and brought very low. All day long I go about mourning. 7 My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body. 8 I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. 9 all my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. 10 My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. 11 My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbors stay far away. 12 Those who seek my life set their traps, those who would harm me talk of my ruin; all day long they plot deception. 13 I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear, like a mute, who cannot open his mouth; 14 I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply. 15 I wait for you O Lord; you will answer, O Lord my God." 

"19 Many are those who are my rigorous enemies; those that hate me without reason are numerous. 20 Those who repay my good with evil slander me when I pursue what is good. 21 O Lord, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. 22 Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior."

I was comforted. Seeing that Sandy told me she despised people who were sick and their whole life was consumed with their illness, I realized when reading this that she would have despised King David too. I'm in good company.

I would have thought that Greg would have remembered that I'm a literal person and follow the law both in the letter and intent from our previous dealings. "Somebody" must have been very convincing. Ron said he was able to calm him down. Maybe he reminded him of our past interactions. I know Ron assured him that I never would have called the sheriff to manipulate those people into leaving for my own benefit. Thank God that Greg knows Ron well enough to believe him. I feel like I am being erased and control over my life is being taken away from me. I have been forced into becoming a recluse and now nobody knows me anymore. I'm forced to interact with people who have told me they despise me and treat me like a second class citizen. I don't get to interact with hardly any other people, anymore. I'm vanishing. I barely exist in the real world. 

But back to the slander: I readily admit to HOPING those people left early. Before I was convinced that the horrid chemical might be dangerous to normal people I was hoping the gloomy weather would make them leave early. But that is not even close to deliberately SCHEMING to MAKE them leave! Calling the cops to get them to leave would be illegal. I do not do illegal, let alone unrighteous things. I would never betray another person's trust! I've been betrayed by a few friends since I became disabled. I know what it feels like. 

 No, hoping something happens that would result in a favorable outcome for yourself is totally different than conniving to make it happen. Everyone hopes things turn out in their favor. Like hoping for a parking spot close to their destination. And they are glad when someone's tail lights come on, signaling that they are backing out of the space right there near the door, right in front of them, so that no one else has first shot at the space. But they, and I, certainly wouldn't call the cops and report a "suspicious vehicle" just to get it impounded and hauled away so we'd get a parking spot. That is the equivalent to what "somebody" alleged about me. I'm not like that. 

And how can I not hope that the physical torture would end as quickly as possible?! 

The other thing that is bugging me, I suspect "somebody" undoubtedly said the same, or similar things to the deputy. It would make sense then why he treated me like that. I wish I could see the video of his other interview(s). If that "somebody" did, they would have been maligning and slandering me and giving false information; that should be corrected. Even if some effort is made to repair that, that deputy will always look at me with prejudice now.  The damage cannot be undone. 

This morning Ron told me, when he called, about how a friend's mom was moved to an independent living facility. He said it was because she wasn't able to take care of herself and it was in her best interest. He went on to mention how she didn't like it at first but now she's happy.  It chilled me. This past weekend Ron had mentioned he didn't want me boon-docking because he said I "couldn't take care of myself properly without electricity."  I couldn't help but think about someone thinking that I should be put in a facility?! It would kill me. Institutions are too toxic. I'm quite able to take care of myself if people would stop poisoning me! I need a safe place! I could even take care of myself better boon-docking if if my broken refrigerator was actually replaced! It makes it hard to get to your food if toxic people are outside and your food is in the rear basement bin. It is after all a public campground. 

One of the visitors I didn't share with you before was a van load of assisted living residents. The van roared in like they were on their way to a fire. They ripped across the parking lot and slammed on the brakes near a picnic table. The doors were flung open and all kinds of people tumbled out. Well, except for the one old woman who had to wait for the steps to be put out and get assistance descending. Two people remained in the van with the doors flung wide. Everyone who piled out made their way as rapidly as they were able to the picnic table where they began lighting up and puffing away on cigarettes like they were drawing in life giving sustenance. They sat out there in the freezing wind and snow dragging away on their cigs for as long as they could stand the cold. Once the van was aired out from the smoker's breath the remaining two occupants closed the doors.The smokers were more stalwart in there pursuit of nicotine than I could have been in pursuit of chocolate, to endured those conditions. The first one climbed back into the van after 20 minutes. He didn't have a coat. I think the last one gave in after 30.  She was wearing a jeans skirt slit up the center almost to the point of indecency, and a sweater. That is a dedicated smoker! Nope, I definitely couldn't survive in that environment.

It is a horrible feeling to think about someone trying to take over your life, and make decisions "in your best interest," that really aren't what you want, and wouldn't actually be in your real best interest. They'd be more mainstream than I could survive, though probably a relief to the person making them, but those kinds of well intentioned, albeit misguided, decisions would be lethal for me. It really unsettled me. 


Wednesday, May 11, 2016

7:58 a.m. 
Life continues to rush on leaving me behind like driftwood above the high water mark. I've been in exile for 82 days this year already. My life, such as it is, rockets and plummets between catastrophe and boredom. Imagine, I used to complain about the dullness of the drudgeries of normal life: shopping, errands, chores. Now, that seems like a wonderful life to me. We never value what we have until its gone. I think its time to count my blessings. 

I am alive.
From 2004 to 2010 I was on a rapid, uncontrolled skid into the abyss. I was fighting and clawing to arrest it, but I wasn't having much success. It got to the point somewhere in there (I can't remember when due to the brain damage) that I was nearly a vegetable, and barely moved. I can remember some events of lying in my bed, with someone standing over me. They were saying unkind things, and talking about taking me to a medical institution. I couldn't respond outwardly, though I raged inside. I did manage to claw my way upward to where I could form sentences again. I managed to regain some function, but there were many many days where it was all 
I could do to make it down stairs and sit.  For the entire day. Even then, I was dying. Every bodily system was in critical condition.

My body and brain are functioning again.
It took a lot of stubborn, dogged work, and several temper tantrums to get what I needed, to achieve the return of as much health as I have.

I have Rosie.
When I first got her, I couldn't bend over (lymphadenopathy). I couldn't lift things, and was extremely weak. Some days I couldn't remove my own clothing. Then when I could go out, there were the verbal and physical assaults I'd get in the stores, and the smelly people crowding me in check out lines. Rosie helped with all those things. She provided a safe bubble of space for me. Now, she is also my companion in my current isolated life and functions as my PTSD service animal. I'm tremendously blessed to have her. Most people with this disability don't get service dogs unless they are mobility impaired. The agencies don't train dogs for the chemically sensitive, and the demand for service animals is so high that more recognized disabilities take precedence. 

The doctors all told me that "Avoidance" of triggers was the only known treatment. Thats almost impossible in this society. Rosie was the beginning of my being able to carve out enough space for myself, to avoid other people's chemicals.

I have my Escape Pod, or MMIU (Mobile Medical Isolation Unit)
It became apparent that I needed to leave when my neighbors applied ag chemicals. There is no safe place to go. Motels, family and friend's homes, all toxic. I got this idea in my head from reading about the MCS suffers in places like Snowflake AZ. They have a not very successful community down there. The sufferers camp out under corrugated metal sheets, lying on the ground, or in cobbled together sheds from old, clean boards. The lucky ones have stripped down to nothing airstream trailers. When it gets hot, they lay under them. The interior components of RVs are extremely toxic. Then there was Dr. Pamela Reed-Gibson's report on "Understanding and Accommodating People with MCS" that she wrote for the Independent Living branch of Health and Human Services. It mentions a survey about living conditions for our class of disabled. It asks how many had lived in trailers for all or part of a year. There was a substantial number who had. From my interviews with other Toxically Injured people (TIs) when I volunteered for a support organization, I knew a few had friends and family members that helped them remodel trailers or RVs with safe/safer products. . I decided I wanted to do that. It met with A LOT of resistance from my husband. This was one of my temper tantrums. It was a pitched battle. The debate raged fiercely for months. The bottom line on my husband's part was that he didn't believe that: it could be done, that it would help, that it was a judicious use of money (you hemmorragh money with this condition, its not covered by insurance), that I would be able to do it. He was so overwhelmed at the time that he didn't want another project that would fall to him to do. He also thought I was going to die, and practical soul that he is, he didn't want to waste the money. I'm also a practical soul, so that doesn't offend me like some of you might think. I've circled the drain far too many times to deny that that was a possibility. But, I convinced him in the end. I did most of the work. I would of done more but I had to ask his help to carpet the cab because of the doghouse cover (its a large access cover for the engine in the cab) and he got so excited about the next step, the hardwood flooring, that he just took over that part and did it. I admit, I let him. He's more meticulous about fitting odd corners than I am.  I had to fight him that first year on where I was going. He didn't want me to go too far away, which proved disastrous to me on occasion, but over all the "Avoidance" of the pesticides made a dramatic improvement. It proved to him the value of the investment. He's not a big 'leap of faith' kind of guy. So I'm very grateful that I have one of the most comfortable MMIUs out there. Its saved my life many, many times.

I still (so far) have safer places I can run to.
The Morrow County Parks Department has been the most compassionate and wonderful group of people I've ever encountered. Yes, I've had a problem or two with a couple of people, but even those problems have been comparatively minor examples of discrimination in my world. I say "so far" because I'm expecting the other shoe to drop at some point. I don't believe that this will be the end of it with my current antagonist, and another messy, orchestrated hoo-ha will have the effect of making me seem like too big of a problem to deal with.  I will end up being "persona non grata." One of the very noble things about the Parks Director is that he supports his 
people. Thats rare in a boss these days. Most just throw their people under the bus. It makes it more difficult for the person who isn't an employee if you are having a problem with one of his people. I, having Aspergers, would rather flee than get into a messy, emotionally painful brawl, even if I'm in the right. Its why I would have preferred to continue to dry camp, freezing my ass off and going without food and safety than come back to my current location where the host is hostile and trying to get rid of me...

My husband.
Which brings us to Ron. I am blessed to still be married. Most spouses of TIs bale. The divorce rate for this segment of the disabled is 98%. He's no saint, not by any stretch of the imagination. He has been extremely resistant to the alternative treatments that I've wanted to try. He's also an Aspie (has Asperger's) and like many Asperger males is very conservative in his thinking. He is extremely uncomfortable with change or anything that is unproven. It makes him an excellent scientist, but throwing him into the uncharted medical waters of Toxic Injury treatment is his worst nightmare. You should see his eyes bug out whenever I mention new things that I want to try. On most of them, he has drug his feet, and DRUG his feet, and DDRRUUUUGGGGG his feet! BUT he is a fighter for righteousness. He is just as dogged in his pursuit of righteousness as he is stubborn in his resistance to the unproven. And despite the extreme difficulties for Aspie males to express their emotions, he does care and is tremendously loyal. He is currently standing up for me and making sure that my side is heard. He wants me here because he thinks its safer. And, though its going to take most of our retirement savings he's on board with finding me a safe piece of property. Its taken a lot of hard, hard years but our marriage is better now than it ever was before. I could not do without him. 

It is the actual Mother's day. 
I have two wonderful children, my two children in law, and four lovely grandchildren. I rave about them enough you've probably read plenty on that. Suffice it to say, they are my treasures. 

God is with me, whom shall I fear.
He has sustained me all this long journey through the dark valley. He has blessed me with a body that bounces back from incredibly horrible injuries that would take far longer for most "normally healthy" individuals. Most people that get lymphadenopathy and lymphodena to the degree that I've had it die. Most people that get kidney damage like I have don't survive one round. I have had such thick, oxygen deprived, sludgy blood that I should not have been walking around or still alive then either. Thats what my doctor says anyway. My doctor has said that I'm only alive because I'm so incredibly stubborn. That is a part of it. I'm alive because my Redeemer lives and He sustains me. His Word tells us that "Those whose hope is in the Lord shall renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They shall run and not grow weary. They shall walk and not grow faint." Isaiah 40:31 

I am no perfect Christian by any means. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. He asks me to believe, to come to know Him and to pursue Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. That I can do. 

3:36 p.m.
Rosie and I were sitting here with the window open, enjoying the fresh air when we heard engine noises and heard voices. We didn't smell anything, so we went out and looked over the hill. There was a trailer setting up. We still didn't smell anything so we watched for awhile to see which spot they picked. We came back in and shortly noticed a second trailer. We didn't smell anything with them either. I think they set up closer. I just watched to see if they came clear up the hill. They didn't. We are continuing to enjoy the fresh air. Though I have to admit that my stomach sucked into a painful knot and my mouth started salivating heavily and I felt like I was going to hurl, but I think that was just a PTSD response. This last week has been pretty traumatic. 

Thursday, May 12, 2016
Boy have I got conjunctivitis (goobie eyes)! And my pee is brown again. Don't know why. It could just be more detox. Some chemicals take months to get out of your system. Some take years. 

I didn't hear from Ron until late last night. I was getting worried. He's been shearing my sheep, a few a night, since I'm not there. We hated it last year that they had to wear their wool until June. The problem lies in the fact that Ron really isn't an animal person. He expects them to behave even though he's rushing through the job as fast as possible and they're scared. The ones I haven't handled get freaked. He apparently went a few rounds with a couple yesterday evening. He said he has a black eye and a fat lip. He got kicked. He sounded exhausted. He also said my clippers got kicked and they broke in half. I appreciate that he is trying to help, but I'm groaning inside. 

I got nothing else. Not even any philosophical or redundant thoughts. 


2:30 p.m.
The two campers left before noon. The person who owns the closest cabin to me just arrived.

Earlier I called my youngest sister. She holds a psych degree. She's the one that rode across country on her horse and inspired me to write this blog. Currently she is driving Tri-met bus. It didn't occur to me that she might know what meth smelled like but apparently she transports a lot of meth-heads. I called her because I needed to talk to someone about my looming depression issues. I've found I don't get much support from normal therapists and counselors. I got as far in my story as opening the door, my reactions and the chemicals I smelled. She interrupted me and exclaimed, "That right there is meth! You should have immediately called the police!" I feel better. Its nice to have someone validate you and not think you're making it up, or crazy. 🙂 It was also a relief to have someone think I did the right thing.

There was another guest that arrived. They were just the tiniest bit smelly, but I stayed in most of the time and it was fine.


Friday, May 13, 2016

1:00 p.m.
I spent the morning reading my journals to make sure I was not misrepresenting Sandy, and that I was accurately remembering past events. There were a lot of things I'd forgotten. Basically, Sandy and I got along as long as we talked about her and I didn't need any assistance. Needing help or assistance consistently made her grumpy or angry. She was trying to encourage me to leave when other toxic people came here last year and vetoing my suggestions for other accommodation ideas like staying somewhere in the day use area.  I guess I just didn't see the pattern. I didn't want to. I was hoping we could work through her prejudices, and that maybe as she got to know me she might change her mind. It looks like I underestimated the depth of them. ☹️

8:30 p.m.
I'm still having trouble with injuries from that nasty chemical. I think that just like the chemical burn on my torso was weeping toxins and decomposing, I think the burn in my throat is too. The burning is lower now. It feels raw where it was first burned. My LES has been blocked up for several days. I don't know what that's about. I've even had trouble getting in water and coffee this morning. Every time I go outside, even though I don't smell very much, when I come back in those injuries hurt a lot. This last trip out of the evening, when I took out Rosie, was the worst yet. Not life threatening, and not scary, but plenty painful. It eased up after an hour or so. I'm breaking out on my scalp, my skin on my fingers and forearms burns. My ear canals are itching and peeling. The lymphs in that area are swollen. My eyes feel gritty and burned. My teeth and jaws ache. I only have to make it through tomorrow and half of Sunday. I'll try to stay in as much as possible. Ron called and said to expect rain. That will help. It will wash some chemicals out of the air.


Saturday, May 14, 2016

5:00 a.m.
I've been up since 3:30 a.m. due to pain. Part of its bloat. I had Brussel sprouts. I managed to get them in but my LES is locked up so tight that I can't belch. The gas is trapped. My stomach is distended and painful. There is also a terrible burning pain. I think the is a open sore at or on 
the LES now. It burns something terrible. The pain caused a cascade of other problems. 

5:36 a.m. 
I made myself go out and get glutathione. I didn't know if it would even help, but it was worth a try. My blood was very dark brown, like Hershey's syrup. Not a good sign.


8:00 a.m.
It did help! I was desperate; I was surprised it worked. When I was drawing the glute from the vial I spilled some. I didn't want to waste it so I wiped it up with my hands and smeared it on me. That took the edge off. After the shot the pain slowly, steadily receded. I curled up on the couch. Eventually I fell asleep. I dreamt tormented dreams of everyone thinking I was a weirdo. The burning pain returned and woke me up just now.  I put some half-n-half on it. I had brought it in when I grabbed the glutathione. That helped. I thought it should have helped more, but then I regurged and the cream was mixed with a lot of water. I guess all that sparkling water and C water didn't get past my LES either. 

Its raining. 

My main charcoal air purifier stopped working last night. It didn't stop running. It stopped purifying. The charcoal was full. I smelled that smell that it gets, kind of a cross between baking cookies and formaldehyde. I shut it down and moved it into the cabover, away from my bed. I didn't want it to release any of its load right next to me. Now that I'm thinking more clearly I began to wonder if the symptoms I was getting last night weren't from those other campers. After all, I wasn't smelling that much outside. Maybe the filter was starting to kick out crap. This filter has been through some toxic episodes. There was the tire clawing through the floor and ripping the gas feed tube, spilling gas through the holes into the RV. There was the refrigerator leaking ammonia coolant. Then there was the meth. Maybe it was releasing a whole lot more than I thought. I was planning on changing it when I got home after the refrigerator breakdown, which would have been a month ago...  I took it outside and put it in the basement bin. I lit a beeswax candle to help burn off the VOCs. I can't risk opening vents here. All this supposing doesn't mean it WILL BE safe. I can just hope that removing it will help. If I start feeling much better, I can recheck the outside air. Juggling my life is unbelievably hard. There is so much pain, so many unknowns! All those people who think I'm a pain have no idea what real pain is! 

 I think I am feeling better. In a little while I might feel good enough to clean up the mess I made while trying to stop the pain. My RV's blitzed. 

My tummies distended like a 6 month pregnancy above the waist. That usually is an indication of a swollen liver. After the glute shot my liver should be OK. Maybe its just more bloat? So tired of health problems! 

2:20 p.m.
 A thunder storm is approaching. I continued to have problems so I washed both Rosie and myself. I sealed up my clothes and the seat covers and put on clean ones. I kept an eye on the wind and opened the vents when it was favorable. I washed and dried the a/c filter and ran it. I'm running every thing else that I have that has a filter. I'm doing better. Rosie and I even played "Find Birdie." I have Rosie hide her eyes while I hide her toy birdie. Then she has to find her. She gets a cookie when she does. She loves the game. I even hide Birdie in some difficult places. 

2:46 p.m.
The heavy dark clouds of the storm pushed in like a barge, nudging under the higher white clouds. Long rolling billows of thunder crashed like waves, one after another. I never really saw any lightning. The cloud ceiling lowered by a hundred feet, dark and black. It was as dark as though the sun had set.  It had mostly passed over us, heading to the SW,  in 15 minutes. As I type, its diminished to distant peels, though the dark clouds threatening rain were left behind. 

At 2:50 it turned back on itself, heading our way again. With this pass it released torrential rain and hail. Lightening popped with the dizzying rapidity of photographers snapping shots at a red carpet event. One thick, wicked looking bolt snapped in branched splendor into the bottom of the canyon right out my window. It must have struck along one side of the highway or the other that fronts the park. I moved Rosie away from the window. She likes to watch the storm with her nose pressed against the aluminum window frame. As the storm moved off to the north the hail turned to a steady rain. The lightening spaced out, fewer air pops, more bolts. Though they were thin and spidery. At 3:06 p.m. The storm turned back southward again. The wind had been switchy all day. It seemed as though the storm too was being pushed back and forth by the same changing winds. It lingered along the mountain ridge above the park. A few steps forward, a few steps back. The lightning for the most part played out, leaving only the gentle rain. Just when I'd think the storm was finished with us, the thunder would come charging back, making threats like a bull pawing up sand and shaking his head, flinging slobber. Then, satisfied it had intimidated this little dale, it would turn and grumble northward again. At 4:30 p.m. it had settled down to only an occasional reminder that it was still around. The spot down below, where the lightning struck, sent up billows of steam in the pouring rain. By 5:30, it too seemed to be finished. 


Sunday, May 15, 2016

7:41 a.m. 
I slept without pain. Its the first time since the meth chemical burn. That feels so wonderful! I did wake up around 2:00. I don't know if had just become a habit, or it was the sound of the rain that woke me. Eventually I drifted back to sleep. 

I don't count minor pain like my burnt throat. Anymore, I can sleep through that level of pain. I wasn't even aware of it until I got up this morning. I meant big, excruciating pain. 

I'd got my urine dilute enough yesterday that it wasn't brown, like Jack Daniel's. But this morning, its dark again. I'm going to have to make sure I push liquids. Brown urine is a sign of kidney damage.

Rosie and I peeked over the hill when we went out this morning. There were still three campers. The one that was closest to me either 
moved or left and was replaced. That camper was in a different spot. It was more in the trees. Maybe that guy felt exposed in the storm, or got too hot in the sun. For what ever reason, it should be less smelly. I think the camper that was closest to the lightning strike might have been tent camping! That would certainly have been scary! They'll definitely have a story to tell their friends.  It is likely that at least a couple of them could go home today.  

It is still gloomy and rainy this morning. In western Oregon, where I grew up, this would be typical camping weather. It never kept us inside. On this side of the state, people tend to just stay in their campers when the sky turns grey. When I was staying at Ansen-Wright earlier this year Greg remarked on one bright sunny day that now I'd be able to get outside a bit. His comment surprised me. I'd been going outside all winter, even when the weather was foul. In western Oregon if you stayed inside when the weather was bad, you'd almost never get out! I use to tell people, "We only get 5 sunny days a year.  Don't waste them!" 

I talked to Ron last night. He'd been at the duplex. He'd mowed and replaced shelf liner. He also met with a realtor. He's bringing home comps. 


Monday, May 16, 2016

7:37 a.m. 
Another day of incarceration ahead of me. The grey, drizzling air was slightly stinky when I went out to potty Rosie. Perhaps someone is warming up there engine for departure. If that was it, I could hope for cleaner air later.  The steady rain is coming down in minuscule, unrelenting droplets, as thick as UHF snow. Do young people these days even know about UHF?  Not even the thought of coffee is lifting my spirits. We are now at 87 days solitary confinement. Isn't that against the Geneva Convention? 

Ron didn't pick up that sealer that he said he was going to get. I kinda figured that. Its clear across Portland, he'd be tired by the time he got to that chore. He told me last night that he was just going to order it online. Its o.k., we decided, after the meth exposure it wouldn't be a good idea to change it with me in here, anyway. We're hoping I'll get to be home for Memorial weekend. We'll try to do it then. 

I'm still struggling with the damage from the meth exposure. I know the deputy said it wasn't meth, but I may have waited too long to call them. They may have finished batching it. I'm still convinced it was. Anyway, my eyes and throat are still burnt. My voice is damaged. It sounds like I have laryngitis. I'm coughing up mucus from my lungs and throat. One good thing that I've noticed so far is that I haven't had water from my lungs or sinuses since that exposure. Which could be because the meth was acidic and the exposure that gave me the water symptoms was extremely alkaline. It could have counteracted it. Another thing to consider is the dextramethoraphan in cough syrup (an ingredient in meth) is a decongestant and antihistamine. We'll just have to keep an eye on that and see if it actually holds true. 

9:20 a.m.
It looks like the campers closest to the lightening strike have left. 

3:17 p.m.
The other campers left around 10:00 a.m. A camper that I wasn't even aware of left after that. I've been airing out my coach. I'm getting ready for a shower and to fill water. Ron is planning to come up after work this evening with supplies. The sun has come out a little bit this afternoon. I'm still anxious and depressed as the issues over my calling the sheriff are unresolved. 

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

6:11 a.m.
Another day dawns that has been stolen from me. I hang in limbo, waiting. Waiting for pesticides to clear. Waiting to get back to my life. Waiting for my sentence to be over.  I've tried. I've tried so very hard to be cheerful, to be productive, to go forward. I'll still keep trying. I can't help but try. Its my nature. But, this is a slogging time. A drudgery. I time when all the joy and wonder has been sucked out of my life. A time when I feel like I want to throw myself down on the ground and wail and sob out my exhaustion like a child.  I won't. I'd be too tired to get back up. Plus, there's yuckies on the ground, and its graveled. Ouch. No, I'm just going to indulge myself in this literary rolling around in the morass of self pity, in the "privacy" of my journal, where Rosie can't see it, before I suck it up and go on pretending everything's fine. Rosie depends on me to keep her world safe, normal, o.k. She needs pets, grooming, playing, food and water. She needs her ears cleaned and her toenails trimmed. Both of which she hates, but she still needs them, because that means her life is normal. That everything is O.K..  Ron needs me to go forward. To be "O.K." here, so he can keep slogging along carrying a double load back home.  One part of me recognized that the sunrise this morning was technically beautiful but I just couldn't feel it. I've lost that sense of appreciation which I've tried so desperately to hang on to, to get me through. I will get through this. I will! But I've lost my joy. I need some joy. How about a cute days old fawn, with bright fresh spots, trailing along behind its mommy through my camp sight? How about some adorable baby bunnies? My grandkids would do it, but they're  2.5 to 5.5 hrs away, thats not going to happen.  I'm trying to be realistic here...

9:51
I went out and pulled weeds. It's been so rainy, and so much trauma has happened that I hadn't sprayed them with the vinegar spray. The mulleins pulled easily from the moist soil.  Its not warm enough to spray the grasses. I wore myself out, but I did get outside in the fresh air. Rosie was quite interested in something in the trees. As we moved around I heard a large animal tromping away. I'm thinking it was a deer.

1:05 p.m.
The cabin nearest me's owners didn't leave! More people showed up. They unloaded an ATV of some kind and puttered back and forth out of sight, behind the trees. Instantly my stress level went through the roof! Are they spraying? Other cabin owners have sprayed up here. These guys are about 200' away, if that. I spent the whole 40 minutes telling myself that they could be doing something benign (other than the exhaust fumes) and there was no reason to panic. My chest and my brain weren't listening. I told myself that the wind was blowing too much for spraying. The problem with that is that it hasn't stopped other people in the past. I had shut down all my vents and windows when I first heard their vehicle coming. I shut down my purifier so I could try to hear where they were so I could figure out what they were doing. After 40 anxious minutes I spotted them. They were just driving around in their woods. I wanted to vomit and bawl with relief. PTSD is a bitch. I turned my purifier back on.  I'm having to leave the windows shut as they periodically drive to the bottom of their road. It passes within a few feet laterally of the back of my RV, though its screened by trees and is several feet down at the bottom of a steep hill. After several minutes they start it up again and drive back up to their cabin. I'm telling myself that they are gathering firewood or trimming limbs from their drive.. I haven't decided what I'm going to do about later, when we have to go out for Rosie or food... 

6:15 p.m.
My PTSD reaction really took it out of me. I just couldn't deal with even the thought of another exposure. I read Foxe's Book of Martyrs. That gives one perspective! I'm up to the tenth century. When I read what they endured, it makes my suffering seem rather pathetic. I still haven't checked the outside air yet. I'm not anxious for another chemical beating, even if that makes me a wheeny compared to the early Christian martyrs. 

Wednesday

7:17 a.m.
I finally checked the outside air around 7:20 p.m. Yesterday evening. It didn't smell like anything, just flat. When we went out and moved away from the RV there was a bit of a funky smell. I got a headache before Rosie had even finished her business. On our way back I picked up a hint of Raid. The headache continued all night. It was joined by chills and suffusing body pain. Mostly my back. Its still covered in sores from the meth exposure. The air was still funky this morning. O' yay (sarcasm font).

I brought extra food in to keep in the soft sided cooler that I use for loading. I washed up when I got in. I washed last night, too. It didn't prevent the headache and pain. I'm hoping it at least lessens the suffering. Still, my headache is getting worse. I'm so tired of suffering. I dread it. I tried a little cookie dough with my morning coffee. Its not going over very well. You know what? I'm fed up with rebellious body parts too! I'd sure like to be able to tell them to "Snap to!!" And to be able to kick there little body part butts if they didn't. Regretfully, I can't. They don't. Have little body part butts to kick I mean. Well, they don't 'snap to' either, or take direction at all. No, I'm not going around the bend. I'm just alleviating boredom and frustration with fanciful thoughts. Can't you just imagine me walking behind a line of my recalcitrant body parts like a drill sergeant? I'd lean in behind the stomach and bawl, in the general location of where an ear might be, "Loosen up that LES! Suck up that gut motility! You are a blot on this whole outfit! Have some company pride soldier!" Then I'd move on down the line to the slouchy, bloated liver...

9:23 a.m.
I was exuding stuff through my skin. It left me feeling stinky, gummy and sticky. I decided to gamble on Ron being able to get here tomorrow, as planned, to refill the water. I took a shower to remove the nasty film. I'm still extruding shards. They cut and scratch, but at least I'm not covered in a thick, cloying, toxic paste. I'm running all the units with filters, including the dehumidifier and the air purifiers. The air is already stale.  I saw some cans of oxygen on Amazon. I thought about getting some but I was concerned about the propellant and couldn't get the info on that. I talked to Sandra, Dr.Smith's RN, about oxygen regenerators, and she relayed that Dr. Smith would issue a Rx, if I found one I thought would work. They know me well. I research every aspect so I don't waste money. I hadn't found one by the time the first Bug Out of the year occurred. I'm sure wishing I had something now. ☹️

11:15 a.m.
I sniffed outside. Rosie had barked earlier, twice. I believe it indicated activity at the cabin. So I checked just now. It smelled cleaner but my eyes and ears hurt. My face burns a little now.

3:20 p.m.
About 12:30p.m. When the sun is behind the tall fir tree 
behind us, I shut all the filters down, to check the air outside again. Thats when I realized they were running heavy equipment next door at the cabin. They're working real hard sprucing the place up. Exciting for them. Troublesome for me. I've been keeping tabs on them all afternoon. The dirty oil smell is actually permeating into my RV (there's still a few cracks from the tire incident we haven't located yet, to plug up). I weighed the probabilities. I think they will mostly be working for several days. I saw the flatbed and trailer leave. It was empty. They left the equipment. I'm guessing they ate getting ready for a big Memorial Weekend event. 

Anyway, I decided to break camp and move early tomorrow morning. Since there isn't phone service at Ansen-Wright, and my husband has to go to Baker County, I think I'll head to a campground up there. I feel better. Taking control of my life back offsets the pain of the symptoms. I like not feeling so helpless. Ron asked me if I wanted to go up to the camp in Baker County the weekend the wahooey hit the fan, but I knew I was too sick to drive. That meant that my choices were limited to the dry camp, or here, at Cutsforth, under the hard eyes of my accuser. I've recovered enough now, so I'm take my life back!  I have to wait until early morning to break camp. I'll aim for 6:00 a.m. so I get out before they start running equipment. 

Monday, May 30, 2016

I Feel Like a Ping Pong Ball

Friday, April 8, 2016

9:00 a.m.
Ron has been getting more cooperation from Hiedeman. He was doing a good job notifying Ron about his schedule. Ron passed on the notice last night, about 9:00 p.m., that Hiedeman was going to plant treated seed Sunday and spray a pre-emergent herbicide on Wednesday. No chemical names, but at least we know with 2 days to prepare. 

I was spending the morning organizing everything from paying bills to staging the load to leave on Saturday when I heard the rumble of heavy equipment. I looked out the front window. There was a flatbed loaded with bags (which turned out to be fertilizer, which they were going to start drilling immediately), followed by a tanker pulling into the field across from the house (8:30 a.m.). What the hell! How am I supposed to get out safely with contaminated equipment and chemical bags out front?! Its not like they clean the residues off those things! The residues are enough to poison me. I'm already having trouble breathing inside the house. My chest hurts and I'm coughing up heavy colored mucus (bronchitis). My mucus membranes are burning. I'm doing everything I can to get out of here as fast as I can. My husband is leaving work to come help me. Why is it so hard for people to get that if its "a chemical," its toxic and I need to be notified BEFORE it arrives! 

Fertilizer is ammonia, either phosphate or nitrate,  plus waste product from other chemical and pesticide manufacture. The waste product, "filler" (aka 'other ingredients') is extremely toxic, its not regulated or tested. There is no constraint on what can be used. Since they would have to pay big dollars to sequester those waste chemicals in landfills, using them as filler in fertilizer and other ag products is a much more "cost effective" solution for their disposal. Disastrous for the environment and all living things, but when your god is money, lives and the environment don't matter.

4:30 p.m.
I'm at Anson-Wright again. I'm trying to rest and chill. So much pain!!! There's no way I can avoid being exposed when we have to do that. We try to limit it as best as we can. But, even with our best efforts, its still brutal. It worries me when my chest, back, neck and arms hurt this bad. So far my heart rate seems o.k.

It took me a while to get everything set up. There was so much toxic stuff outside at home (the gasoline smell), even before they showed up with the fertilizer and spray truck, that I hadn't put the RV back together. Basically Ron just threw it all in here. Then Rosie and I, covered, jumped in after it, and tossed our covers out. Then I changed my clothes and tossed those out. I stowed some of it so it wouldn't slide, during the drive, but I had a lot to put back together when we got here. I even have a wet load of laundry that I was doing at home, I'm trying to dry... I hung a line outside. I ran out of clothes pins so the rest is draped about the inside of the RV. 

I have the vents and windows open to air it out too. When I got out to set up I smelled the fresh clean air and realized that it smelled like gasoline in here. I went to OHV first, but ran into Tim who directed me back here. The loop I was hoping to stay out of everybody's way on was closed. No power. He let me know he wouldn't be doing anything with chemicals at Ansen-Wright all this weekend and next week. He heart-feltly expressed his sympathy,  "Don't be offended, but this has got to suck!"

   "I'm not." I replied, "And thank you (for the sympathy). It does suck." I went on to ask him to keep an ear out for property. He nodded,

     "So you can have a cabin in the very center?" He hunched together like a mouse.

     "Exactly!" I touched my nose to say "Right on the button" and grinned a rather exhausted smile. 

5:20 p.m.
Weak, painful and weary, I forced myself to go out and check the laundry. Then I forced myself to walk about a bit. It helps move lymph. First I told myself, "Just to the bottom of the drive." I'm pretty weak and shaky. Rosie gave me a look that said,

     "Now that you're here, can we check out this nice pee smelling spot?" 

    "You can." I said and doddered along after her. Some how she sniffed her way around until we were back to the RV door. I wasn't quite ready to go in yet. The air was so fresh and clean. "How about we just go to the road behind our hook-up... And look over at the highway?" I asked her. Tongue lolling, she grinned her approval. I limped in that direction, Rosie followed, sniffing about on both sides obligingly. When we got there, she looked at me as if to say, 

     "How about we go just a bit down the skid road?" We did. Slowly. Eventually we got to the gate at the bottom of the hill. And then we managed, taking our time, to meander back up. It was slow and painful for me, but the perfect speed for a thorough sniff about for Rosie. 

I'm back to resting. Some of the laundry is in. New stuff is out. Its 72°F in here, with everything open. I'm swollen up like the Willie Wonka blueberry girl... Maybe that petroleum odor at home is from 2,4-D... Swelling and lymph congestion are 2,4-D symptoms. It is the chemical the evil neighbor always preferred to use to hurt me with. It showed up the day after I got home... We expected him to retaliate for reporting his dogs. I'd been staying inside so I hadn't been exposed. Ron was taking Rosie out to potty, then rinsing her. Transferring to the RV was the most I'd been exposed since I'd been home. Truly, I haven't missed this! 

I zapped myself with the acu-pen and smeared on frankincense and myrrh balm. 

3:20 a.m. 
I'm up with spinal pain. It hurt so bad earlier that I didn't go to bed at the usual time. I stayed up trying to mitigate it. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep with that much pain. It lessened about 10:00 p.m., so I did what I could and went to bed. The pinch in my spinal chord got so bad it woke me up at 3:00 a.m. I had to get up and try something to bring the pain down. I picked shiatsu massage and herbal teas. Only I wasn't thinking. I was running both heaters and tried to boil water. The breaker tripped. I had to gather my gun, flashlight, coat, and Rosie to go outside in the pitch black to reset it. Since Rosie's in heat, I also had to deal with her sani-belt. Each item is overwhelmingly more than I can do. But I have to. So I focus on one thing at a time. Eventually I accomplish the task. Not the things I wanted to do in the middle of a painful attack. Par for my course though... 

Saturday, April 9, 2016

7:38 a.m.
I woke up with a horrible, light sensitive headache: toxic encephalopathy. I was sitting here on the couch, gathering myself to make coffee when it hit me... I FORGOT THE COFFEE!!!! Shit. Its a diuretic. It reduces swelling, hence pain. This is why I need 2 days to prepare! I have to have enough time to double check stuff. I can't think when panicked. Aaargh! I'm trying cocoa with cinnamon. Not as effective.

9:00 a.m.
I have pain in parts I didn't remember could have pain. Pain so bad I feel like I could die from it. I am too hurt to take care of myself. Too hurt to move.

12:45 p.m.
I curled up in the fetal position, with extra covers and heat and whimpered my way through it. Absolutely every part of my body hurts and I'm chilling to the bone. My bones, soft tissue, glands, organs, skin, even my teeth hurt. My bowels feel like they are full of grinding rocks. My bladder burns. My uterus feels like its going to fall out. My chest feels like a 250 lb. man was sitting on it. My lungs are filling with fluid but I can't cough it out- paralysis. My eyeballs feel bludgeoned, they hurt to look through, and my brain hurts so bad I can't think. 

Some time after 11:00 a.m. I realized the dog smelled of petroleum. I'd rinsed last night, but hadn't done the dog. It took me 2 hrs to slowly, painfully, get us both washed again. I'm a little less painful now. I'll take it and be thankful! I still hurt almost everywhere, but I've regained some co-ordination and range of motion. I'm still freezing cold, and sitting in front of the space heater set to 72°F, with covers. I managed to sip some C water. 

2:00 p.m.
Still chilling. I bumped the heater up a few degrees. Still have pain that drives me into the fetal position. Some spots a little better. Some places worse. So hate this...

4:27 p.m.
I woke up around 4:10 p.m. Finally feeling warm. It was about 80°F in here.  Rosie wanted to go out. My head still hurt, badly, and my ankles still felt broken. Most everything else felt ever so slightly improved. I don't have much energy. A short dragging walk was all I could manage. 

7:00 p.m.
Still weak. Still have a headache. Feel like crap. Chest hurts. Took the dog out one last time. Really, just want to lie here and not move. 


Sunday, April 10, 2016

4:30 a.m.
I'm up because of pain. Lymph pain that drives clear through me. Pain that burns along my skin. Every nerve screaming in agony. I'm back to my arms hurting so badly that I can barely lift them. Every movement is a concentrated effort. My nose felt stuffy so I blew it. It was full of caked blood. My sinuses must have been weeping blood. I certainly didn't have a typical bloody nose. I didn't eat much yesterday, just some half-n-half. I'm regurging the solids from that, now. The disturbing part is that I actually feel better than I did yesterday. 

7:30 a.m.
My headache is lifting. Rosie woke me up. She needed to go out. That pretty much used up all my energy. I still have pain but not as all consuming. I found some ground coffee I'd left in the cupboard from my last trip. I'm enjoying it. I won't get anymore until I can tell Ron that I forgot it, and he brings supplies up. I'm still regurging the milk solids from yesterday. I was hoping the coffee would help with that. I had to go back and edit those last few entries. The originals weren't very coherent. 

10:20 a.m.
I'm continuing to improve, but along with that comes the realization of just how bad I was. I was so close to dying. I thought about it. I didn't want to leave a decaying corpse for my husband to find. It would have been a horrible mess and traumatized the dog. I'm sticky, and gooey. I'm exuding toxins. I'm trying to wash as best I can, so I don't reabsorb them. The water level is the problem. My tank wasn't full to start. I don't have the energy to get more water and I'm worried about added exposures. I'm too vulnerable right now to deal with any. I'd have to drive back up to OHV to get it. Tim said something about spraying, but I can't remember when he was going to start. I'm going to have to do it eventually. But for right now, I'm just going to rest, and deal with that when I have to. 

6:17 p.m.
I spent the day dealing with waves of returning symptoms. Thankfully they weren't as intense. I did a lot of whining. I'll spare you. I kept thinking I had a hair, or something that felt fuzzy, in the back of my throat. I finally figured out that the roof of my mouth was sloughing off... Great. @@ 

I did manage to take the dog clear to the gate on the road behind us. Slowly. I was less tired when we got back. I'm gaining ground, though not as fast as I'd like. I'd like for the pain to be gone, but that's not happening yet either.

Monday, April 11, 2016

7:22 a.m.
Rose had to pee so we got up at 7:00 a.m. No coffee, so we went right out. There is frost on the grass down in the meadow. Its dew up on the hill. The fritillaries are blooming. Mostly yellow. The sky is a bright expanse of blue.

I am feeling much better. I can walk again, without hobbling. My legs feel strong again. My ankles no longer feel broken. I was up for 2 hrs in the night. Waves of symptoms rolled over and through me, but they were mere echos. Strong enough to wake me and keep me from sleep, but nothing like the torture of the past couple of days. By comparison, they were an annoyance.

2:14 p.m.
I went up to OHV for water. I was able to get it out on E loop, away from everyone. That means I don't have to be as vigilant. I made my calls. Checked in with my husband and kids. Called my dad. He was having a bad Alzheimer's day. Called my friends. I'm back down at Ansen-Wright now. Next water day is Sunday. Probably the last one of the season. They are scheduled to turn water on here next Monday.  


Tuesday, April, 12, 2016

It rained in the night, just a little. Its overcast today. I didn't sleep much. This time it was emotional reasons. When I spoke to my husband, I told him I didn't want to come home at all. They are going to kill me. They nearly succeeded. They justify their actions by saying that they are "not breaking the law!" I'm being murdered and they are getting away with it - for now. If they had any compassion at all, they'd go farm somewhere else, or go organic. But they put their greed above my life. The injustice and desperation of my situation rends my soul. 


8:48 p.m.
Today went south big time, and all of the sudden. I felt fine one minute, and a few minutes later I was in big trouble. I think my body was recycling toxins. I threw everything at it including a glute shot. My blood was black and sludgy when I drew it up the tube. Not good. My heart rate stayed fairly low. I just didn't have any oxygen in my blood. My arms got all wooden and my legs got weak. My lymph impacted too. After the glute shot I stuck myself with several acupuncture needles, massaged several other pressure points and parked my back on the shiatsu massager. Then I took an epsom salt bath followed by a hot shower. I used up 5 days worth of water. After my shower, the bathroom smelled like that funky gasoline smell. I had to leave the fan on for an hour to get it out. I started going through all the teas I had trying to remember which one is a blood purifier. I tried a few. It took me hours to get enough energy together to breakdown and drive up to OHV so I could call Ron, and order more glute. Ron came up and filled my water. I just didn't have the strength. He told me to use as much as I needed. If he needed to come up again, to fill it for me again, he would. Hopefully, I won't have a repeat...

I'm physically and emotionally spent.


Thursday, April 14, 2016

5:30 a.m.
I'm up with achalasia and lymphodenopathy.  It started flaring at 4:00 a.m. I've beaten it back somewhat. I spent most of yesterday working on it. Its not life threatening pain, just so uncomfortable that you want it to stop. For me that means deep tissue massage and more acupuncture needles or zapping. It keeps my hands occupied, so no typing. T'wards the end of the afternoon I did get it beaten back to a level where I could read to take my mind off of it. 

My refrigerator went out Tuesday. I was so ill that when I discovered it was warm I assumed I'd just forgotten to turn it back on. It came to my attention when Ron and I returned from OHV, from refilling water, and he was giving me supplies. My freezer was completely defrosted and all the food was warm. Since I'm the only one here, it had to be me. Right? It didn't occur to me that it could be the refrigerator itself. When it still wasn't cold the next morning I realized it wasn't me. Of course all the food is pretty much bad now. The butter and cheese might be o.k.. I haven't checked because I'm not getting food in. 

Yesterday I asked Greg, when he called to check on me, to tell Ron to put the fuses on his list, incase that was it. It was something the manual suggested, in the trouble shooting guide. It was one of the things I was reading to take my mind off my pain. Greg had two of the fuses with him. He had a crewman run them up to me. Bless his heart, the guy was wearing a disposable glove! That was very considerate, and precious! I wasn't going to replace them myself because it was very dirty in there, and I didn't want anymore exposures, but after that I figured I had better. One of them, there wasn't even have a slot for. Apparently my model isn't equipped with that feature. I replaced the one we did have, a 3 amp blade type. The control panel works much better now. It doesn't get as warm/hot. Unfortunately, the refrigerator still doesn't work. The one Greg didn't have, a 5 amp glass barrel fuse, looks pretty clean with no signs of damage or burn out. Bummer. It probably isn't the problem. My poor husband already has way too many things on his plate, to add "replacing the refrigerator." Its also, most likely going to stir up lots of toxins. It isn't something I wanted to do while I was living in here... I'm sure there is nasty stuff under the fridge: mold, LP exhaust residue, formaldehyde. And the decking may need replacing, as the refrigerator vent cover on the roof was leaking last year. I kept getting water in the fridge after it rained. I went up there to check it out and found the cracked cover... Anyway, we are going to have to find an alternative solution until we can replace the fridge. 

7:02 a.m.
I opened the blinds after taking a shower to find that what I thought was rain was actually freezing rain and bloppy snow. Rosie and I went out and walked around for 45 minutes. I have to keep pushing to move that congested lymph. I'm making tea, both the teas that Dr. Yasko told me not to drink. Burdock and licorice root. Burdock is the blood purifier and licorice root thins lymph. "I've had all (the pain) I can stands, I cant stands no more." Popeye. 'Parens' mine.  I figure the burdock root cleans the blood so well it removes the nutriceudicals she has me on. Licrorice root is a phytoestrogen and she knows I have xeno estrogen exposures and have had estrogen dominance issues. It was good advice to stop them on a regular basis. This just seems like a time when I need to use them, since the other stuff isn't working. 

Friday, April 15, 2016

7:21 a.m.
When Greg radio'd me yesterday he told me Ron was bringing up a small refrigerator (dorm fridge) for now and had ordered a replacement fridge. This causes my anxiety levels to rise. I'm worried about how this can be done and not contaminate my space. 

Its warmer this morning. No snow. Rained most of the night. Rosie had diarrhea again. I think its due to hormones from her heat. She woke me up a couple of times in the night so she could go out. I woke up this morning with a killer headache I can't shake. I'm feeling horribly sick and weak. Slowly getting ready to go to OHV for water. I've been showering more to get rid of toxins. I've been trying to drink more teas too.  Yesterday evening and today my LES is locked up tight. I was hoping I'd be getting better, rather than having these horrid setbacks. Hopefully, I can make this next tank of water last until they turn the water on here, on Monday. It absolutely drains me to go up there when I'm this sick.


Saturday, April 16,2016

10:30 a.m.
Well, I have a lot to catch you up on...

Getting water was almost more than I could manage. I could barely move. I had to do it extremely slowly, with lots of rests. In fact, I called Ron when I first got there, instead of doing the water first. I was exhausted and I didn't even have to get out to open and close the gate. 

When I spoke to Ron, he was concerned that my broken refrigerator may be leaking ammonia. Ammonia is the coolant that it uses. I react very badly to even trace amounts of ammonia. He could be right. I can't smell any but I react to things I can't even smell. He was anxious to get it shut down right away. The freezer was still a little cold, so I hadn't shut it off. He said he was coming up this evening with a dorm fridge, to keep me going until we could replace the regular one. I held my tongue and let him finish explaining his idea. I'm working on listening, before I freak. It keeps the freaking to a minimum. Freaking is exhausting. He wanted to get one that would fit in the back basement bin. I was better with that, than trying to put it inside the RV. I gave him the dimensions. He had researched replacements for the broken one, and we both agreed on the model. I'd researched it last year.  He'd looked at a bigger one, that uses helium (less toxic), but I really don't need more space. It would also require a remodel, and Ron doesn't need any extra work. Besides, I'm thinking I could turn the extra space under the fridge into a pan drawer. He liked that idea. He hadn't ordered it yet. He wanted to check dimensions and discuss it while he was up here, in detail. I liked that idea.

After I got the tank filled I moved all my drinking water jars outside, 2 at a time. After I rested I started to fill them when nasty bits of yellow and white stuff spewed out into the first jar. I dumped it. I tried to open the filter to see what was wrong, and change the cartridges. I figured it was coming apart inside. Only I didn't have the strength. I returned the empty drinking water jars to the inside of the RV, 2 at a time. After I rested, I called Ron and asked him to bring me drinking water, too. I wondered if the stuff that came out had toxins and could have been part of my problem? I'm so horribly sensitive...

I was so sick that when Rosie and I got back down here I set up only the minimum, opened the vents, turned up the heaters and curled up on the sofa in the fetal position with extra covers. I was chilling again. I slept most of the rest of the day. Rosie woke me at 6:30 p.m. to take her out. I felt better, but by the time we finished a short walk I was exhausted again. The new heater dischaged a horrid smell of burnt lint plus "something." That made my head ache more. I cleaned the filters. Whatever it was, was on the lint. It was then that I remembered that the evening before a plane had buzzed the tree tops above me. I'd had the vents open then, too. I'd jumped up and closed them, but perhaps I hadn't been quick enough. The plane fuel may have gotten in...  The other source of noxious VOCs was the decaying meat. I'd put it all in ziplock freezer bags, and left it in the freezer to keep it as cool as possible, but the stink was still getting through the bags. If I had to open the freezer, the stench just about brought me to my knees. 

Ron got here about 9:30 p.m.. He'd had to go to Tri-cities and 3 different Walmarts to find a dorm fridge that would fit in the back basement bin. He tied it to the top of the picnic table to air out for the night. He didn't want the wind to come up in the night and blow it off and break it. Good thinking. 

I kept the vents open all night and cranked up the heaters. I woke up this morning feeling much better. I still tire easily, but at least I don't feel almost dead. We talked about the things we could do to contain, and treat the toxins that would be stirred up, when we replace the big fridge. Ron had watched a video on containing toxins while safely removing RV refrigerators! I was impressed. Ron spent several hours getting things taken care of. He had to remove the latch to get the mini-fridge in the bin. Those screws were stripped, so they didn't want to come out. Thats what took the most time. I puttered about taking care of as many of the rest of the supplies as I could. We finally got the broken fridge cleaned out, the ruined food removed and the fresh food and my meds in the new mini-fridge. Then he needed to leave. He still had to head to his folk's to work on his great aunt's estate. 

Its much better in here. I don't know if it was the plane fuel, leaking ammonia, the rancid meat, the chemicals from the dissolving sticker on the filter cartridge, or a combination of all of them, but it feels much cleaner in here and I'm feeling better. I was also able to have 3 big tankards of coffee with 1/2 n 1/2 this morning (my other half-n-half went bad in the refrigerator). I need the methyls. I'm washing a little laundry in the sink. It was the shirt I was wearing, incase it got crap on it...💩☠🍄 (that mushroom may be cute but red mushrooms with white spots are actually very poisonous).

1:48 p.m.
So far this afternoon I've repaired a broken wooden hanger, restitched the corner of a seat cushion cover, reorganized a storage area, and  repaired the straps on my coveralls. I'm resting in between. At least I feel like doing stuff.😊

3:18 p.m.
Glorious! I had soup! I know that most of you will think thats "no big deal," but for me, its huge! I haven't eaten any real food since before the fridge went out. I've been barely eating at all, and sometimes not even able to get in liquids. When it gets that bad I have to resort to something with lots of sugar. Glucose is what the ER uses. I'm sick of eating and regurgitating sugary things. To get in nutritious soup is heavenly!!! I lost my brussel sprouts when the freezer quit, so I had carrot. Still yummm! 

With the fridge in the rear basement bin I noticed the generator (adjacent bin) volatizes gas. I'll have to have Ron check it next visit. 

4:30 p.m.
I've washed my hair, and the dishes. I'm sitting on the sofa looking out the window at the beautiful woods and feeling GOOD! There is nothing so fine as feeling good!

5:15 p.m.
Once upon a time I had beautiful feet. I'm not being vain. I'd been told by a couple of different guys that they were. One was a shoe salesman. He went into raptures over how beautiful my feet were the moment I took off my shoe to try on a pair of new ones. He was kneeling on the floor stroking them. It was rather creepy. I felt molested! It certainly did not make him a sale... But, anyway, I was convinced that some men found them beautiful. When I got sprayed back in '96, that was the end of my beautiful feet. They swelled up so bad it was like having blobs on the end of my legs. Or elephant feet... My ankles were also swollen. I heard thats called "cankles." I resolved the cankles years ago. When I get exposures my feet still swell. When I detox they get better. My feet have been swollen the last few days. I noticed, just now, that they looked more like feet, again. Not beautiful, but better. It reminded me that "once I had beautiful feet."

Sunday, April 17, 2016

7:25 a.m.
I woke up singing Nicole Mullen's "When I Call On Jesus" in my head. I was actually remembering the words. It was interesting how as a became more awake, I forgot a lot of them. But, its a great song for a Sunday morning. Here lately I've had a constant refrain from Acapella's "Jesus Is Coming Soon" playing in my head, awake or asleep. 

I got a good nights sleep. Its rare and precious. I am having trouble this morning with a few pieces of carrot that are stuck. It feels like gravel caught in my throat. They're interfering with my enjoyment of my morning coffee. I thought it was just one, but when I got it out, there was another, and another. I am getting coffee in past them. Praise God! I mean really, Praise God!! Not being able to really eat or drink is horrible! 

It is a beautiful sunny morning. The frost is melting quickly. I'm quite a bit less swollen this morning. My pants are telling me so. I'm sure most girls can relate to putting on your favorite pants during period week and having them back talk you, "Are you freaking kidding me girl?! No way! Uh-uh! You are not putting that in here! Can. Not. Zip. Up!" For me, its multiplied. Following exposures, I generally swell 5 sizes. This last round was pretty bad. Admittedly, its not the most I've ever swollen. Its the first time I've noticed this much dramatic swelling in my back and thoracic area. While the bottom of my bibbed coveralls still fit (albeit snuggly) the top wouldn't. I wear bibs because of the swelling issue. They're more flexible. The straps were a good 2.5" short! I remind myself of one of those Sylvester the cat, or Bugs Bunny cartoons where he blows himself up with his thumb and different parts expand out of proportion. Here in the real world its called lymphedema. Not the cartoon's problem, mine... When the lymph gets congested and impacted, they call it lymphadenopathy. It feels wonderful to start feeling human again. Sigh. 

11:45 a.m.
I think I over did it... 

I started out just tidying up a bit. Doing the floors, wiping down counters, that kind of thing. Then I decided it would be a great day to shift those mattress pillows. The one at the head of the bed was unsquished, the one under my bottom, super squished. The result is that I keep sliding down hill at night. I've been wanting to move the first pillow down under my knees. That should stop the sliding. I was feeling pretty good so I stripped the bed and shuffled the individual pillows inside the cover. Then I treated the cover with lavender and left it to air out in the sun coming through the window, with the vent open. After that I took Rosie for an extra long walk. The sun was shining. Sun light uses up glutathione. I shouldn't have done the extra part, or maybe kept to the shade. But the sun felt so good. Anyway, I figured I'd best see if I could get in my supplements today. So far, so good. They appear to be staying down. I rested a bit, working on knitting, then slowly remade the bed with clean sheets. I figure I'll take it easy the rest of the day. 

7:00 p.m.
I kept most of the vitamins. I finished off the day with a large cup of raw milk and a creamy cheese soup. No lumpy things. I'm boosting my fat to scavenge toxins. I was good and rested most of the day. I'm rereading "Sheriff Bo Tully mysteries" by Patrick F McManus. Every so often I knit a couple of rows to break it up. I also take Rosie out for short walks. I'm heating water for dishes, then we'll probably turn in early. It was a lovely, pleasant day of very little pain. 


Monday, April 18, 2016

Tax day...

9:20 a.m.
We actually got up before 7:00 a.m.. If I visit the mini-fridge before it warms up there is less gas exposure. I've had my coffee, yogurt and vitamins. I had a little regurging of soup last night. Mostly because the new mattress configuration put pressure on my lungs and abdomen. It was difficult to get to sleep at first. Eventually gravity won out and the weight of certain parts of my anatomy evened out the the problem. I did not slide down hill. Yay! I'm not feeling as energetic as yesterday, so I'm taking it easy again. I did do the basic chores: dishes, cleaning lint filters, bed making. 

I haven't seen Greg. Or anybody to do the water system yet. I'm sure Mondays are extra busy for him. The gravel trucks are running pretty steady. 

10:42 a.m.
We went out for Rosie's poo walk. The sun was filling the forest with the sent of toasted pine needles. Its a comforting smell, unless its fire season. 


Tuesday, April 19, 2016

6:21 a.m.
I read most of yesterday, and rested. The work crew showed up and began the water recharge process. Something must have happened somewhere else in the county because they left. In the afternoon, around 2:00 or 3:00, I noticed the spigot in the next hook up down was running. I checked mine. It wasn't. I wasn't sure if they wanted that or not. Either way, because they'd treated it with chlorine, I couldn't do anything about it. About a quarter after 5:00 p.m. I checked the outside air for fumes, took Rosie out and turned off the spigot. I noticed then that the next one down was running. I turned it off too. I didn't hear or see any others. Then we went up the hill to the skid road. When we returned my spigot was running. I shut it off. The crew return a little bit before 7:00 p.m. They must have had a trying day. They'll be back to finish it today. I had to skip my shower yesterday, I'm down to the last third of my water. 

As I was laying in bed last night, waiting for sleep to come, I was thinking about the cruelty of man to his fellow man. The Bible shares the horrific practices that conquering countries used on slaves like stripping them naked and putting a giant fish hook through there jaws, cutting out their tongues and other mutilations, and even genocide, including children and babies. We can also read that the worship of false gods included sacrificing your children by burning them alive on the alter of those gods or killing them and incorporating them in the foundation of your house... Mankind is still pretty horrific. Our news in the US is very sanitized, but if you get your news from other countries, you'll find that similar atrocities are still going on. I don't believe we've really evolved. Mankind in general is still primitively inhumane. Only those who choose Yahweh and righteousness rise above the depravity.


Wednesday, April 20, 2016

8:56 a.m.
I spent yesterday dodging crewman on ATVs and various sources of petroleum fumes, including the generator. The workers were very industrious. They zipped about getting the park ready for opening day. They worked on the water, as well as turning the tables upright and tidying the hook-ups. A dump truck arrived with a fresh load of gravel. It went out of sight towards the office building, so I don't know for sure where they put it.  I read to ease the confinement. After they left I filled my tank and showered. I'm also doing some laundry. I'll be trying to get more done on the weekends when I can move the wash machine outside and really get with the program.
Rosie finally stopped her heat bleed! Yay! I'm washing her sani-belt. That smell was nauseating! Ron came up last night with supplies and cleaned off the outside of the generator with alcohol. It had some evaporated, or leaked petroleum residue on it. Oil or gas, he said. Smelled like gasoline to me. Its been much better so far this morning, but its still cool out. The real test will be when the sun heats up that side. 

Ron told me April, one of my llamas, died the day Hiedeman sprayed the pre-emergent. Last night he told me Hiedeman told him they were spraying again (yesterday). They didn't get it all done last week... That pushes my stay out another week.

Discovered I messed up my knitting. Worked on carefully undoing it for hours. Then just when I thought I had it fixed, I discovered more mistakes further back. I stuffed it in the bag and went back to reading. 


Thursday, April 21, 2016

5:04 a.m.
Up with spinal pain. Not sure what triggered it. There was a strong petroleum odor in the bathroom where I had a shirt I had washed in the sink and was drying. I don't know if it was drift that came in through the open vent or outgassing from the shirt, which I had been wearing when I had trouble with generator gas exposures. The pain woke me up at 4:30 a.m. I got up a couple of times, it would lessen. I went back to bed, it returned. Finally I decided to get up and make coffee. To have coffee, I need half-half. To have half-n-half II have to go out to the rear basement bin. I'm not doing that in my pajamas. I don't want to risk contaminating them. So I got up and put on my clothes. I figured I'm up, might as well stay up. Maybe I'll drink 2 pots of coffee today...

I think I was pretty depressed yesterday. I spent a lot of time just staring vacantly out the window, feeling helpless to resolve any of the problems in my life. The deaths of my livestock fill me with helpless grief. I can't stop them. I can't help them. I can't even help myself. Despair. 

4:05 p.m.
The county road crew left the diesel water truck down below me by the gate its directly upwind. 


Friday, April 22, 2016

6:37 a.m.
I waited until 7:30 p.m. To take Rosie out last night. I was hoping the diesel would dissipate. I couldn't smell it when we went out but I got nauseous, and my mucus membranes burned. I went to bed hungry so I didn't get additional exposure.

I took Rosie out this morning before 6:00 a.m. I was hoping the cold would help keep the diesel down. I still got burning mucus membranes. My stomach hurts, but I'm hungry, so maybe thats it. My jaw hurts. 

I'd so been looking forward to the 3 days of no exhaust fumes, being able to get outside and do things without constant fear of exposures. I was planning on clipping Rosie and doing laundry. I can't if there are fumes. My life is not my own. I realize that for them, they can't imagine it being a problem. If I complain, I become the irritant. I become the problem. I need that wilderness property of my own. Pray for me? Please!?

12:43 p.m.
Greg showed up around 9:30 a.m. I didn't think he was working today... I didn't say anything about the fumes. About 11:30 a big wind out of the SE blew in. The water truck is NE of me. I hauled the washer out and got 3 loads washed, rinsed and hung on the line. Of course with my mini washer, a load is 3 shirts or 1 pair of jeans. Then I realized that rumble I was hearing wasn't a jet. It was a thunder storm. I left the laundry on the line as long as possible and put everything else away. I pulled in the first load which was mostly dry and draped it around inside the RV to finish. I left the other 2 out while I had lunch. Then the rain started. I brought in the others. I didn't get around to washing the stuff that got gas fumed. I'm saving it for last.  That way I won't risk cross contaminating my other things. Maybe if the weather cooperates I can get more done tomorrow. I still have sheets and towels to do before I can run the fumed stuff. 


Saturday, April 23, 2016

7:37 a.m. 
When we first got up there was a clear sky. Clouds have moved in already. When I took Rosie out to potty it was still and crisply cold. There's no breeze yet, but the clouds are racing by from the West to the East. Even as I typed the last sentence the tiniest breeze has stirred up. 

I was just about to get up and go out to refill Rosie's dog food bag from the 30 lb. one in one of the bins when the deer family crept out from behind the end of the RV. Its been weeks since we've seen them. Its the doe and her two smaller fawns with an extra fawn.  I poked Rosie, who was sleeping next to me on the sofa, and said, "Deer." She leapt up and looked intently out the window. She's so excited she's drooling and slurping. The deer walked cautiously down the hill. A step, a pause to listen, large ears pivoting, eyes wide, scanning, another step. They're looking sleek and healthy. The doe and her fawns went over the rim where we couldn't see them. The stray fawn walked along the road heading for the back slope of the draw. The road angles downward and presently the doe and her fawns rejoined the other fawn. I was surprised to see that there was another deer with them. He must have circled around the knob and snuck in below the brow of the hill. The little herd now numbered 5. They slipped off through the trees and up the back hillside.

Most of the day the wind has been directly across the toxic truck. I've been hammered every time I've had to go out. Water is in the red.


Sunday, April 24, 2016

Ron was supposed to come last night. He told me he was coming. Greg told me that Ron told him he was coming. He never showed up. I waited up until 11:00 p.m. Then I laid in bed, my stomach in a sick knot and tried to convince myself of the many, reasonable reasons for why he didn't come... There could be many reasons other than an accident or injury that caused a delay.

The wind is still blowing across the water truck to the RV. I can't open the door or window with out smelling diesel and dirty oil. The water panel no longer shows any level. I was going to try to get out and fill it first thing, when I pottied Rosie, but there were smelly turkey hunters out there. First I smelled their deodorant, then they used their turkey call. Its different than a real turkey. Besides, I've never seen a turkey here. I've seen several as Cutsforth.

12:30 p.m.
Still no sign of Ron. The wind is still not favorable for getting water or leaving the coach. I haven't heard anymore "turkey calls." 



Monday, April 25, 2016

7:03 a.m.
First I'd better recap yesterday. 

I'd turned my radio on around 1:30 p.m., just in case. Then since the 
wind switched around and seemed to be coming from either behind me or the north, I filled the water. I'd gotten all the equipment stowed and was heating water for dishes and a shower. It was sometime between 2:30 and 3:00 when a tiny, sweet little voice came over the radio, "Hello." I grabbed it up and said,
     "Well, hello there! Is this Joey-boy?" The response I got was garbled, but I think there was a "no" in there somewhere and a "princess"... I jumped into my shoes and snatched up my coat and the gate keys. I was going to check to see if there was even a car at the gate. I've occasionally gotten bits and snatches of other peoples conversations so I wasn't sure. I paused long enough to check the wind. It had still continued to be pretty switchy all afternoon. It was close enough. I left Rosie in the RV though. I didn't want to have to wash her if it came back on us. I walked down the hill, away from the truck, to where I could see the gate. About the time I saw the car, Ron's head popped over the hill. I heard Joey's little voice asking if "nama" was up here. I changed directions and headed that way. Joey heard Rosie barking and told Poppa that was her. Poppa asked him if he was sure. Pretty soon Joey's little head came into view. Thats all that showed above the bushes as he struggled through them. "Joey-boy! " I cried out. He looked over and smiled. He fought his way through the last of the shrubbery and clomped over in his new, too big, shoes. I grabbed him up, smooched him and hugged him. He laughed but wanted back down. He's 3 now you know. He's independent. I asked Ron about the shoes. He smiled assent. I gave him the gate keys and he headed back down the hill.  Joey took my hand as we walked up the hill. He was anxiously asking about Rosie. He wanted to know if he could go in and see her. I said, "Yes, you're wearing your grandma house clothes." He hopped in excitement. When we reached the RV he climbed up on the step to open the door. I reminded him that we had to open it first or the door would knock him off the step. He took his shoes off when we entered as soon as I asked him to. My he's growing up so fast! Rosie was right in there wiggling and "helping." Then both he and Rosie leapt about in excitement. Rosie's yips and barks were a little too loud for the small space. Joey was pretty cute trying to shush Rosie. I suppose my RV must seem like a fort to Joey. He loves it. He clambered around everywhere, chattering about T-rexes and imaginary critters. I'm assuming its part of a game he picked up at daycare from some of the older kids. He clambered up on the sofa to watch Poppa drive back up the hill. I'd quickly started putting away my things while he and Rosie were greeting each other. My computer, my charging cables, my power bar. He asked if he could play in the cabover. I smiled, "Of course, that's why I'm cleaning up my stuff." He climbed up and helped me, while being a T-rex. My daughter had told me that one of his friends loved dinosaurs and gave Joey a T-rex for his birthday. They play dinosaurs a lot.  Cabovers are a perfect place to play T-rex, apparently. I did my part, playing T-rex too. Grandma T-rexes grab and smooch little Joey T-rexes while pretending to eat their rosey cheeks, nom, nom! Ron joined us in a few more minutes. He doesn't pretend to be a T-rex, but he enjoys the romping and giggling. When Joey moved on from the cabover to the cab he found my crumb piggy. Its a battery operated vaccuum for sucking up bread crumbs. I just use it for dirt. Its shaped like a pig. I showed Joey how it worked. He spent a good part of the afternoon finding things for the piggy to "eat." Then we'd empty him. You have to take off his head and  pull out the filter to dump the dirt. Joey found that part extremely interesting. He's very mechanically minded. It reminded me of my Grandpa. He could repair or make anything. 

Joey wanted to eat so Poppa brought in his snacks and I scrambled Joey an egg. We just had a lovely, busy afternoon doing very normal things. I loved it. We did a little coloring. We cleaned out the light covers because Joey insisted. We checked each one for bugs. There were a few. It was Joey's favorite part. We oohed and ahhed right along with him. We went for a walk. Ron hung up pieces of yarn on branches on either side of the RV, while we were out, so I could keep track of wind direction easier. Joey wanted to walk in the woods, not on the trail. We did that for a few minutes. Then he decided he wanted to walk on the road among the trees. He felt that was still "the woods." It was easier than tromping through bushes that came up to his chin and over limbs and branches. Can't argue that. They headed for home about 6:00 p.m. I thanked them both for coming.  Ron said he'd be back Friday. I was too tired to take that shower and it was too late in the evening; my hair would be too wet. It would soak the pillow. 

I slept well. I even dreamed. We (Rosie and I) got up around 6:30 this morning. Its cloudy, no wind. The county road crew came and got their water truck about 7:30 a.m. He let it idle, warming up for 15 minutes. I'm definitely going to have to wait for a while before taking my half-n-half back to the fridge. The gravel trucks are running as well. I'm back to timing outdoor trips between those. Ron did bring my methyl B12 yesterday, finally!! Its pretty abominable that it took the pharmacy 4 months to ship it to me! I gave myself a shot while Joey was busy with the piggy, and that part of me feels better! Its a subQ shot. It leaves a pink stain under your skin until its used up. Its already gone. I'll probably do another one today. 

Tuesday, April 26, 2015

6:59 a.m.
I read all day yesterday to ease the loneliness. O.k. not ALL day. I did the chores and went for walks and played with Rosie. But most of the day I read. It was a relief that the water truck was taken away. The air is so much cleaner! I developed a terrible chemical burn over the 3 day weekend. It looked like a 2 nd degree heat burn, blisters and everything. Its starting to heal now. The boils and chloracne that I'd developed when the grader was here, and had started healing after it left, came back too. I didn't say anything to Greg when he radio'd. I don't want to upset the whole road crew. I have to give a little to get along. 

I tried carrot soup again yesterday: Regurged and aspirated all night. That woman in the mirror looks like she was rode hard and put away wet. I feel so broken and beat up. 

10:36 a.m.
I finished another novel. Its the second time I've read this author's books. I'd forgotten why I didn't like them. The author is young, or inexperienced with the lifestyles she writes about. Her characters are more like caricatures. Her plots, convoluted and unwieldy. Sad that I would come to the point where I would be reading poorly written fiction to keep from thinking about my reality. I did chores. The whole time I thought about how so many churches deal with pain and suffering these days. Sugar coat it. Gloss it over. Shove it under the rug. I started thinking about writing my own novel but found myself thinking about writing a book about real Biblical suffering and how the Bible says to deal with loss. Maybe it could bring some true comfort to people out there that have been traumatized and "the system" demeans them all the more for their struggles. I'd like to, but I'm not sure that those are demons I can face all alone. Yeah, yeah, "We're never alone with Christ." That is true in one aspect, but He tells us we need "fellowship." We need people "with skin on" to help us through. Unfortunately many Christians only get trite 20-21st century sayings from "feel good ministries." They're not really Biblical, if they are incomplete according to the Word. Then when they stumble into tribulation, those trite sayings collapse under them, causing them to loose their faith. Its like they built their foundation of straw, or (Biblically) on loose sand. If I didn't know what the Bible really said, I'd have been destroyed long ago. 

3:00 p.m.
I decided that the best thing for my anxiety today was to try, no matter how difficult, to work on the some on some of the things that I'd tried and gotten too sick. I started with the computer work. I want to have as much done as possible, so that when I get back home, there would only be a few things left. I've been so toxed these last few months that every time I've sat down to work on it, my head swam. I got a huge chunk of it done. It was nice to be able to tackle it and have it go smoothly. I'm making a list of the stuff I'll need to complete when I get home to my records.

8:57 p.m.
After that I picked up a heavy shirt I needed to mend. I'd patched it, but wanted to x-stitch over the patch. I discovered that either the shirt or the x-stitch thread had toxins. Bagged it. Sigh. I set the dehumidifier up in the cab. I' noticed it was pretty moist in there again. Next I baked a custard. And then picked up that silk mohair project that I messed up on. I ripped it all the way back to 4" of rows. Then spent the evening watching a movie and knitting. 

Surprisingly, it turned out to be a pretty productive day. I'm beat.


Wednesday, April 27, 2016

6:11 a.m.
Another night of regurge and aspiration. This time it managed to hang off until 4:00 a.m.. After that there was no point in even trying to sleep. Rosie thought we should go out at 5:00 a.m. But I nixed that. I wasn't quite ready to get up and get dressed. I let her out the door on her lead, but she didn't have to go potty. I think she's just bored. Can't blame her. I'm bored with being stuck in here too! It wouldn't be quite so bad if we could get out without worrying about being toxed. Setting up the awning and airing out a few of the stinkier projects would be nice. I could work on those outside. As it is, its just not possible. I can't leave stuff out, to air out if a diesel truck is going to come by and get exhaust on it. We've been in here for 3 months so far. Its driving us both nuts!

5:48 p.m.
Shower and water day. I filtered drinking water too. The water part took an hour. I spent the rest of the day knitting. I reworked everything I had to rip out. Not much else to tell. 

Thursday, April 28, 2016

7:41 a.m.
Another hard night: coughing up chest congestion, and watery fluid running out of my nose. Not sure what thats about. Maybe it was part of the previous nights regurge. That would be better than some of the alternatives. 

Its another cool, overcast day here in the Blue Mountains. The coffee's perking. The road and park are quiet. Its a "safer" morning. 

Here lately Rosie keeps giving me these reproachful looks. I'm not sure if its "How come we can't go home?" Or "Why haven't you clipped my face?" It could be some thing else entirely. She's definitely bored, and she prefers her face clipped smooth. The reason for both is the same: toxins. I'm hoping they don't park that water truck here over this weekend. They, being the county road crew, work 4,10 hour days. They'd leave it today, if they were going to. If they don't leave stinky diesel coated equipment I can get out and do more chores. #1 is finishing Rosie's clip. Another one is more laundry. I also need to air out some things. I'm so frustrated with how much my life is limited by the whims of others. They have no idea what their decisions do to me. They're just minding their own business. I'm just so horribly sensitive that it makes everybody else's business my business. I hate it! 

7:00 p.m.
I worked on an organizer for my electronics cabinet. I'm making it out if a worn out pair of coveralls. I cut out an appropriate sized piece from a leg and hemmed it. Then I figured out where I'd place all the chargers, cables and accessories, drew pocket shapes around them and cut out the first pocket. 

No diesel equipment left here. 🙂


Friday, April 29, 2016

8:00 a.m.
I slept in. I slept well. No coughing, choking, regurge or sinus drainage. 

The Parks crew is here working down at the office. I didn't even hear them come in. When I took Rosie out I smelled the tiniest hint of exhaust. I told myself it was from the road, or I was just paranoid. Then I heard hammering. As we started down the skid road I heard a vehicle coming down the highway. I was high enough at that point, it was cold enough, that the fumes would not get me if I waited right there. I was on the back side of the knob. It was a white truck. It slowed down when it reached the park and turned in at the gate. I retraced my steps just enough that I could see over the hill into the park. I wanted to know what the driver was going to do. I knew the hill and the bulk of the knob would protect me from the fumes. I heard the chain rattle as he unlocked the gate. I heard the groan of the metal as he swung the gates wide. I watched him drive in, thru the lower camping spots and go the wrong way down the road toward the office. Park crewman. I turned and continued Rosie and my walk to the bottom of the hill. 

We returned to the RV, stopping at the rear bin for half-n-half for coffee. I figured I may not get out later so I grabbed the cookie dough I made yesterday.  I'm disappointed, but I'm starting to become resigned to it. Though with resignation comes depression. It would be less of a pain if I didn't have to go outside to get food. I sure hope that replacement refrigerator comes soon! I'm hoping to get information on its arrival date when Ron gets here this evening. He'd thought it was coming the same week he ordered it because he got an email notice of a shipment. That was my mB12. We didn't talk about it when he was here last, we had Joey to play with. 

My daughter is out of town on business this week. Ron's folks were coming over to watch the boys. I wonder if they'll be coming up with Ron today?

8:00 p.m. 
Greg came by about 2:30 p.m. and let me know that this spot will be rented out next Thursday, so I need to move. I decided I should go to Cutsforth, instead of move to a different spot here. The others are all down hill and I'd get hurt.  He wanted to know when I would be going. I told him I would check with Ron when he came by this evening. I'd need gas in Heppner, and that station won't accommodate me. 

I worked on sewing the organizer most of the day. I completed 5 pockets.

Just Ron came, though he showed up at 4:30!  After he put my groceries in the mini-fridge we walked and talked for hours. We just went around the campground, over and over. We sat for awhile, then walked some more. Ron has a meeting in Heppner on Monday, so that's the day I'll go to Cutsforth. It looks like my daughter and her family, with Ron, will be joining me for Mother's day. I don't think my son and his family can make it. They are finishing up a house remodel, and getting ready to move for his new job. 


Saturday, April 30, 2016

6:00 a.m.
I woke up at 4:00 detoxing and couldn't get back to sleep. I tried. I eventually got up around 5:30 sometime. I started to make coffee, but had to get water from under the dinette. I went ahead and filled all the easily accessible quart jars since I had the dinette tore up. All the shuffling of crap gets to me. Since it was so early I didn't take Rosie for a walk, but I did take her with me to get the half-n-half. She took care of her most pressing "business" while I had my head in the bin. We'll walk later, after the coffee kicks in. 

Ron did tell me the "Adventure of Refrigerator Shipping" yesterday. The shipping company had trouble communicating. They were supposed to contact him when it shipped. They didn't. They were supposed to contact him with an ETD. They didn't. They were supposed to call with an hours notice. They didn't. Eventually they got it sorted. It arrived yesterday. I don't know which day he has plans to install it. I did try to impress upon him how important it is to me that it gets done quickly. He mentioned something about picking up the roof guard, to seal the floor under it, on the 15th, on his way through Portland. That probably means I won't get it until at minimum, the following weekend.  Three more weeks of sticking my head in the bin with the spare tire. Ugh. I'm very concerned about being trapped in my RV by other people's chemicals once the parks are opened and not being able to access my food. But I have to let that go and not worry about it. I will have cell up at Cutsforth, so I guess I could call him if that happens. 

11:49 a.m.
Rosie and I took an extra long walk. Around the park, down the hill and up the hill. I sewed on one pocket then decided I should change activities. Fibro, you know; if you do the same thing for awhile, that muscle group starts hurting. I decided the weather was perfect for clipping Rosie. It wasn't quite as perfect as I first thought... It turned out it was colder than I anticipated. But, we got it done. Rosie looks beautiful! 



I trimmed her ears so they wouldn't get in her food. I think they look prettier longer, but I won't remember to put them back. I gave her feet the classic poodle trim too. I'm thinking it will help keep fir needles to a minimum. Rosie is very pleased about the feet. She can do her nails without getting a mouthful of fur now.

After her clip I needed a shower to get rid of the itchy dog trimmings that the wind blew back in my face and down my shirt. So now I'm resting up before doing waters. It's always something. I want to do laundry but I'm too tired. The wind is switchy, too. I don't want to do all that work just to have them fumed from the highway. There's plenty of traffic going by. I'll see about tomorrow being a good laundry day. 

9:15 p.m.
Well, it was a pretty typical day. After the water I worked on projects. Still doing the knitted shawl and the organizer. Rosie and I took walks. I watched movies I've watched several times already, just so it wouldn't be so quiet. I got a bug in my hair the last time out. I got out the mint spray to chase it out of my hair. Then I realized the bottle was almost empty. I mixed up more. Rosie was acting like bugs (or fleas) were bothering her so I sprayed her down good also. She stopped itching. I haven't actually seen any fleas. I did find a tiny pine beetle on the couch. I think thats what was in my hair. They must be starting to hatch. I hadn't seen any previously. Earlier in the week it was the carpenter ants, and other large winged ants, that were hatching. The log beside my RV was covered with them. A carpenter ant actually hitched a ride on me into the RV. I caught sight of him on my shoulder out of the corner of my eye. I whacked him off before I'd even registered what it was. I had momentarily thought it was a spider. It took me a couple of days to find him and put him back outside. All the insects hatching out have brought the birds. Yesterday a beautiful pair of bluebirds were courting right outside the window. I've seen a few black capped chickadees and some juncoes. The chickadees were scarfing up the ants like they were Good 'n Plenties. 


Sunday, May 1, 2016

7:28 a.m.
The fire alarm went off twice last night. Both times about an hour after I fell asleep. The second time I was so hyped up by the adrenaline there was no way I could fall back to sleep. I got up and worked on the computer. It was after 2:00 a.m. sometime, that I finally got back to sleep. I'm guessing it was the essential oils rather than any smoke triggered the alarm. I couldn't smell anything. It only chirped 2 beeps each round. I wondered if it was the battery needing replacement, but since it didn't say anything else, shrug, it must have been the volatized mint.

It is a crispy, clear, cold sunny morning. That white down in the meadow is frost.




It would be a great day for laundry except for the road fumes. There was also a strange stinky smell on the wind in the camp ground last night on our last walk. It came from the direction of the office. I'd better not risk doing laundry. I'd better just hold tight. Though pants are in short supply...

2:06 p.m.
I didn't put it together last night but I suffered horrible anxiety attacks and emotional lability. Lots of heart broken crying. My tongue was also swollen up in my mouth and my teeth hurt. Then t'words morning I was freezing. I just thought it got that cold outside. Only I've suffered chills and severe pain all day. And my symptoms are escalating. I'm so cold I'm wearing a long underwear top, my heavy wool sweater and have wrapped myself in a heavy blanket. Its 70°F outside! I have the IR heaters cranked up and the southern window blinds open. Its so warm in here that the heaters have cycled off. I'm still cold, though not as icy.  The anxiety crested about 12:30 p.m.. Though waves keep returning. My ankles feel like they've been shattered and every nerve in my core and skin alternates between horrid pain and feeling as though there is a strong electrical current burning through it. My left leg is agonizing clear to my thigh. My other major muscles keep spasming and my guts are roiling. I have a massive headache. Great! @@ I keep wanting to do something to distract myself but I feel too awful to do anything. If I was at home I'd take scalding hot showers alternated with IR sauna. I don't have the ability to do that here. Not enough water. No sauna. The heaters do not go to 110°F and it would be too hard on the dog. I'm not going out to the fridge to get a shot because when I put away the half-n-half I smelled gas. I don't want to make my symptoms worse.

3:10 p.m. 
Warmer. Thank God! I've got a new and different symptom, I'm having difficulty "unclenching or opening joints. I was doing the one finger type, and then found that I could barely open my hand. I have no idea if that includes major muscle groups. I'll find out though. I have huge bladder irritation. I'm sucking myself together to get up and go to the bathroom. I'm so weak I don't want to move... Oh yeah, I'm thinking the chemical must have been some kind of OP with petroleum solvents, based on 
symptoms. It smelled like Tin-actin foot fungus treatment. I Didn't take it very seriously, I should have. 

7:30 p.m.
At 3:30 the next wave of symptoms hit and I passed out until 6:00. I scraped everything I had together and gathered my shot supplies. My symptoms had gotten so bad I HAD to do the shot. I heated water. When I t was almost ready I changed into contaminated clothes, closed the blinds, took Rosie out to potty and grabbed a glute vial. We jumped back into the coach where I drew it into the syringe then bailed out and returned the vial to the fridge. I returned to the inside of the RV,  and shucked/ binned my clothes. I washed Rosie, then me. Then I did the glute shot. I was not doing at all well. I had thick choking throat snot, heavy lung congestion, and chest pain. With that done, I collapsed on the couch. I feel horrible and like I'm not going to make it. Circling the drain, again. 


Monday, May 2, 2016

1:19 p.m.
Last night was rough. It just kept getting worse. Around 8:45 p.m. I got so bad that I wrote a goodbye letter. That sucks: Alone, in exile hanging on by will power, and the grace of God. Every system shutting down, my body stumbling, broken. What can you say in a short letter at the end of your life? I could barely type. Basically it said I loved my family, I was sorry for my disability being so onerous, and I thanked those who had helped me cope, and goodbye. Sorry about the mess... 

It would undoubtably take a few days for them to find me and my body would have begun the decaying process. That's going to be a horrible thing to find. And to clean up...

Then I curled up and tried to hang on. Little bit by little bit it got a smidgeon better. I kept trying to do what I could think of to treat my symptoms. I was up and down all night. I made it to morning (5:00 a.m.). Whipped, bludgeoned, but still alive. 

I was supposed to leave Ansen-Wright at 9:00 a.m.. I still had to put everything away for travel. I focused on just doing one thing at a time. Then I'd rest. Taking it one task at a time, I managed to get everything stowed. Well, almost everything. I forgot the heater with the wheels... I knew the unhooking was going to be a major issue. I didn't want a repeat of Sunday's trauma from another exposure. I had to force my brain to come up with a workable plan. I felt like Gollum when he was trying to guess the answer to Bilbo's riddles. Hands to head, straining to think! I decided to try putting on dirty clothes, unhooking, driving down to the gate and if it wasn't unlocked taking care of that, then showering when I got out of the park. It would be longer in the contaminated clothes, and contaminate the inside of the RV more, but it was the best I could come up with. I knew the outside of the gate's approach was too steep to operate the water pump, but I'd solve that later. I'd have to preheat the water 30 minutes before our scheduled departure time.  I didn't have coffee or take Rosie out because that would be more exposures. I couldn't tell for sure if the toxin that got me was gone, but since I got worse after going out the following morning, I have to assume it was still there. I did have some herbal teas. Once we got through the gate I turned up the highway t'ward OHV. Thats when I discovered I'd forgotten that heater with the wheels. It was careening all over in the back, tethered only by its plug. I don't know how I could have missed it. I have to step over it when I go down the hall! Rosie was quite alarmed. She backed as far away from the rampaging monster as her safety harnesses tether would allow.  Anyway, there's a good sized turn-out up the road a piece for semis to chain up. I pulled over there, pottied Rosie and then came back in. I ditched my dirty clothes, showered and stowed the heater. I put on the last set of clean clothes I possess: a jumper and a thin, short sleeved peasant blouse.  Then, still sick and weak I drove down to Heppner to meet Ron, so he could fill my gas tank. 

Ron followed me up to Cutsforth to make sure there weren't any petroleum spills. There was one. We didn't have a shovel but he improvised by using my safety cone. He dumped my waste water, which I was going to do before I left Ansen-Wright, until I got toxed. Then I couldn't risk the exposure. There's no septic at this sight so it has to be done down below. He helped me set up. At least here I have my mountain phone and can call out if I get into trouble. My plan was to rest a bit then start on the laundry. Unfortunately the water wasn't working at my spot. Ron said he'd relay that to Sandy, the camp host. I did open all the windows and vents and air it out real good in here for a couple of hours. I heard a piece of heavy equipment start up down below so I shut it all down to be on the safe side. It was really nice to be able to get fresh air in here. I made coffee and ate some raw cookie dough. For now, I'm just going to rest.