Monday, May 30, 2016

I Feel Like a Ping Pong Ball

Friday, April 8, 2016

9:00 a.m.
Ron has been getting more cooperation from Hiedeman. He was doing a good job notifying Ron about his schedule. Ron passed on the notice last night, about 9:00 p.m., that Hiedeman was going to plant treated seed Sunday and spray a pre-emergent herbicide on Wednesday. No chemical names, but at least we know with 2 days to prepare. 

I was spending the morning organizing everything from paying bills to staging the load to leave on Saturday when I heard the rumble of heavy equipment. I looked out the front window. There was a flatbed loaded with bags (which turned out to be fertilizer, which they were going to start drilling immediately), followed by a tanker pulling into the field across from the house (8:30 a.m.). What the hell! How am I supposed to get out safely with contaminated equipment and chemical bags out front?! Its not like they clean the residues off those things! The residues are enough to poison me. I'm already having trouble breathing inside the house. My chest hurts and I'm coughing up heavy colored mucus (bronchitis). My mucus membranes are burning. I'm doing everything I can to get out of here as fast as I can. My husband is leaving work to come help me. Why is it so hard for people to get that if its "a chemical," its toxic and I need to be notified BEFORE it arrives! 

Fertilizer is ammonia, either phosphate or nitrate,  plus waste product from other chemical and pesticide manufacture. The waste product, "filler" (aka 'other ingredients') is extremely toxic, its not regulated or tested. There is no constraint on what can be used. Since they would have to pay big dollars to sequester those waste chemicals in landfills, using them as filler in fertilizer and other ag products is a much more "cost effective" solution for their disposal. Disastrous for the environment and all living things, but when your god is money, lives and the environment don't matter.

4:30 p.m.
I'm at Anson-Wright again. I'm trying to rest and chill. So much pain!!! There's no way I can avoid being exposed when we have to do that. We try to limit it as best as we can. But, even with our best efforts, its still brutal. It worries me when my chest, back, neck and arms hurt this bad. So far my heart rate seems o.k.

It took me a while to get everything set up. There was so much toxic stuff outside at home (the gasoline smell), even before they showed up with the fertilizer and spray truck, that I hadn't put the RV back together. Basically Ron just threw it all in here. Then Rosie and I, covered, jumped in after it, and tossed our covers out. Then I changed my clothes and tossed those out. I stowed some of it so it wouldn't slide, during the drive, but I had a lot to put back together when we got here. I even have a wet load of laundry that I was doing at home, I'm trying to dry... I hung a line outside. I ran out of clothes pins so the rest is draped about the inside of the RV. 

I have the vents and windows open to air it out too. When I got out to set up I smelled the fresh clean air and realized that it smelled like gasoline in here. I went to OHV first, but ran into Tim who directed me back here. The loop I was hoping to stay out of everybody's way on was closed. No power. He let me know he wouldn't be doing anything with chemicals at Ansen-Wright all this weekend and next week. He heart-feltly expressed his sympathy,  "Don't be offended, but this has got to suck!"

   "I'm not." I replied, "And thank you (for the sympathy). It does suck." I went on to ask him to keep an ear out for property. He nodded,

     "So you can have a cabin in the very center?" He hunched together like a mouse.

     "Exactly!" I touched my nose to say "Right on the button" and grinned a rather exhausted smile. 

5:20 p.m.
Weak, painful and weary, I forced myself to go out and check the laundry. Then I forced myself to walk about a bit. It helps move lymph. First I told myself, "Just to the bottom of the drive." I'm pretty weak and shaky. Rosie gave me a look that said,

     "Now that you're here, can we check out this nice pee smelling spot?" 

    "You can." I said and doddered along after her. Some how she sniffed her way around until we were back to the RV door. I wasn't quite ready to go in yet. The air was so fresh and clean. "How about we just go to the road behind our hook-up... And look over at the highway?" I asked her. Tongue lolling, she grinned her approval. I limped in that direction, Rosie followed, sniffing about on both sides obligingly. When we got there, she looked at me as if to say, 

     "How about we go just a bit down the skid road?" We did. Slowly. Eventually we got to the gate at the bottom of the hill. And then we managed, taking our time, to meander back up. It was slow and painful for me, but the perfect speed for a thorough sniff about for Rosie. 

I'm back to resting. Some of the laundry is in. New stuff is out. Its 72°F in here, with everything open. I'm swollen up like the Willie Wonka blueberry girl... Maybe that petroleum odor at home is from 2,4-D... Swelling and lymph congestion are 2,4-D symptoms. It is the chemical the evil neighbor always preferred to use to hurt me with. It showed up the day after I got home... We expected him to retaliate for reporting his dogs. I'd been staying inside so I hadn't been exposed. Ron was taking Rosie out to potty, then rinsing her. Transferring to the RV was the most I'd been exposed since I'd been home. Truly, I haven't missed this! 

I zapped myself with the acu-pen and smeared on frankincense and myrrh balm. 

3:20 a.m. 
I'm up with spinal pain. It hurt so bad earlier that I didn't go to bed at the usual time. I stayed up trying to mitigate it. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep with that much pain. It lessened about 10:00 p.m., so I did what I could and went to bed. The pinch in my spinal chord got so bad it woke me up at 3:00 a.m. I had to get up and try something to bring the pain down. I picked shiatsu massage and herbal teas. Only I wasn't thinking. I was running both heaters and tried to boil water. The breaker tripped. I had to gather my gun, flashlight, coat, and Rosie to go outside in the pitch black to reset it. Since Rosie's in heat, I also had to deal with her sani-belt. Each item is overwhelmingly more than I can do. But I have to. So I focus on one thing at a time. Eventually I accomplish the task. Not the things I wanted to do in the middle of a painful attack. Par for my course though... 

Saturday, April 9, 2016

7:38 a.m.
I woke up with a horrible, light sensitive headache: toxic encephalopathy. I was sitting here on the couch, gathering myself to make coffee when it hit me... I FORGOT THE COFFEE!!!! Shit. Its a diuretic. It reduces swelling, hence pain. This is why I need 2 days to prepare! I have to have enough time to double check stuff. I can't think when panicked. Aaargh! I'm trying cocoa with cinnamon. Not as effective.

9:00 a.m.
I have pain in parts I didn't remember could have pain. Pain so bad I feel like I could die from it. I am too hurt to take care of myself. Too hurt to move.

12:45 p.m.
I curled up in the fetal position, with extra covers and heat and whimpered my way through it. Absolutely every part of my body hurts and I'm chilling to the bone. My bones, soft tissue, glands, organs, skin, even my teeth hurt. My bowels feel like they are full of grinding rocks. My bladder burns. My uterus feels like its going to fall out. My chest feels like a 250 lb. man was sitting on it. My lungs are filling with fluid but I can't cough it out- paralysis. My eyeballs feel bludgeoned, they hurt to look through, and my brain hurts so bad I can't think. 

Some time after 11:00 a.m. I realized the dog smelled of petroleum. I'd rinsed last night, but hadn't done the dog. It took me 2 hrs to slowly, painfully, get us both washed again. I'm a little less painful now. I'll take it and be thankful! I still hurt almost everywhere, but I've regained some co-ordination and range of motion. I'm still freezing cold, and sitting in front of the space heater set to 72°F, with covers. I managed to sip some C water. 

2:00 p.m.
Still chilling. I bumped the heater up a few degrees. Still have pain that drives me into the fetal position. Some spots a little better. Some places worse. So hate this...

4:27 p.m.
I woke up around 4:10 p.m. Finally feeling warm. It was about 80°F in here.  Rosie wanted to go out. My head still hurt, badly, and my ankles still felt broken. Most everything else felt ever so slightly improved. I don't have much energy. A short dragging walk was all I could manage. 

7:00 p.m.
Still weak. Still have a headache. Feel like crap. Chest hurts. Took the dog out one last time. Really, just want to lie here and not move. 


Sunday, April 10, 2016

4:30 a.m.
I'm up because of pain. Lymph pain that drives clear through me. Pain that burns along my skin. Every nerve screaming in agony. I'm back to my arms hurting so badly that I can barely lift them. Every movement is a concentrated effort. My nose felt stuffy so I blew it. It was full of caked blood. My sinuses must have been weeping blood. I certainly didn't have a typical bloody nose. I didn't eat much yesterday, just some half-n-half. I'm regurging the solids from that, now. The disturbing part is that I actually feel better than I did yesterday. 

7:30 a.m.
My headache is lifting. Rosie woke me up. She needed to go out. That pretty much used up all my energy. I still have pain but not as all consuming. I found some ground coffee I'd left in the cupboard from my last trip. I'm enjoying it. I won't get anymore until I can tell Ron that I forgot it, and he brings supplies up. I'm still regurging the milk solids from yesterday. I was hoping the coffee would help with that. I had to go back and edit those last few entries. The originals weren't very coherent. 

10:20 a.m.
I'm continuing to improve, but along with that comes the realization of just how bad I was. I was so close to dying. I thought about it. I didn't want to leave a decaying corpse for my husband to find. It would have been a horrible mess and traumatized the dog. I'm sticky, and gooey. I'm exuding toxins. I'm trying to wash as best I can, so I don't reabsorb them. The water level is the problem. My tank wasn't full to start. I don't have the energy to get more water and I'm worried about added exposures. I'm too vulnerable right now to deal with any. I'd have to drive back up to OHV to get it. Tim said something about spraying, but I can't remember when he was going to start. I'm going to have to do it eventually. But for right now, I'm just going to rest, and deal with that when I have to. 

6:17 p.m.
I spent the day dealing with waves of returning symptoms. Thankfully they weren't as intense. I did a lot of whining. I'll spare you. I kept thinking I had a hair, or something that felt fuzzy, in the back of my throat. I finally figured out that the roof of my mouth was sloughing off... Great. @@ 

I did manage to take the dog clear to the gate on the road behind us. Slowly. I was less tired when we got back. I'm gaining ground, though not as fast as I'd like. I'd like for the pain to be gone, but that's not happening yet either.

Monday, April 11, 2016

7:22 a.m.
Rose had to pee so we got up at 7:00 a.m. No coffee, so we went right out. There is frost on the grass down in the meadow. Its dew up on the hill. The fritillaries are blooming. Mostly yellow. The sky is a bright expanse of blue.

I am feeling much better. I can walk again, without hobbling. My legs feel strong again. My ankles no longer feel broken. I was up for 2 hrs in the night. Waves of symptoms rolled over and through me, but they were mere echos. Strong enough to wake me and keep me from sleep, but nothing like the torture of the past couple of days. By comparison, they were an annoyance.

2:14 p.m.
I went up to OHV for water. I was able to get it out on E loop, away from everyone. That means I don't have to be as vigilant. I made my calls. Checked in with my husband and kids. Called my dad. He was having a bad Alzheimer's day. Called my friends. I'm back down at Ansen-Wright now. Next water day is Sunday. Probably the last one of the season. They are scheduled to turn water on here next Monday.  


Tuesday, April, 12, 2016

It rained in the night, just a little. Its overcast today. I didn't sleep much. This time it was emotional reasons. When I spoke to my husband, I told him I didn't want to come home at all. They are going to kill me. They nearly succeeded. They justify their actions by saying that they are "not breaking the law!" I'm being murdered and they are getting away with it - for now. If they had any compassion at all, they'd go farm somewhere else, or go organic. But they put their greed above my life. The injustice and desperation of my situation rends my soul. 


8:48 p.m.
Today went south big time, and all of the sudden. I felt fine one minute, and a few minutes later I was in big trouble. I think my body was recycling toxins. I threw everything at it including a glute shot. My blood was black and sludgy when I drew it up the tube. Not good. My heart rate stayed fairly low. I just didn't have any oxygen in my blood. My arms got all wooden and my legs got weak. My lymph impacted too. After the glute shot I stuck myself with several acupuncture needles, massaged several other pressure points and parked my back on the shiatsu massager. Then I took an epsom salt bath followed by a hot shower. I used up 5 days worth of water. After my shower, the bathroom smelled like that funky gasoline smell. I had to leave the fan on for an hour to get it out. I started going through all the teas I had trying to remember which one is a blood purifier. I tried a few. It took me hours to get enough energy together to breakdown and drive up to OHV so I could call Ron, and order more glute. Ron came up and filled my water. I just didn't have the strength. He told me to use as much as I needed. If he needed to come up again, to fill it for me again, he would. Hopefully, I won't have a repeat...

I'm physically and emotionally spent.


Thursday, April 14, 2016

5:30 a.m.
I'm up with achalasia and lymphodenopathy.  It started flaring at 4:00 a.m. I've beaten it back somewhat. I spent most of yesterday working on it. Its not life threatening pain, just so uncomfortable that you want it to stop. For me that means deep tissue massage and more acupuncture needles or zapping. It keeps my hands occupied, so no typing. T'wards the end of the afternoon I did get it beaten back to a level where I could read to take my mind off of it. 

My refrigerator went out Tuesday. I was so ill that when I discovered it was warm I assumed I'd just forgotten to turn it back on. It came to my attention when Ron and I returned from OHV, from refilling water, and he was giving me supplies. My freezer was completely defrosted and all the food was warm. Since I'm the only one here, it had to be me. Right? It didn't occur to me that it could be the refrigerator itself. When it still wasn't cold the next morning I realized it wasn't me. Of course all the food is pretty much bad now. The butter and cheese might be o.k.. I haven't checked because I'm not getting food in. 

Yesterday I asked Greg, when he called to check on me, to tell Ron to put the fuses on his list, incase that was it. It was something the manual suggested, in the trouble shooting guide. It was one of the things I was reading to take my mind off my pain. Greg had two of the fuses with him. He had a crewman run them up to me. Bless his heart, the guy was wearing a disposable glove! That was very considerate, and precious! I wasn't going to replace them myself because it was very dirty in there, and I didn't want anymore exposures, but after that I figured I had better. One of them, there wasn't even have a slot for. Apparently my model isn't equipped with that feature. I replaced the one we did have, a 3 amp blade type. The control panel works much better now. It doesn't get as warm/hot. Unfortunately, the refrigerator still doesn't work. The one Greg didn't have, a 5 amp glass barrel fuse, looks pretty clean with no signs of damage or burn out. Bummer. It probably isn't the problem. My poor husband already has way too many things on his plate, to add "replacing the refrigerator." Its also, most likely going to stir up lots of toxins. It isn't something I wanted to do while I was living in here... I'm sure there is nasty stuff under the fridge: mold, LP exhaust residue, formaldehyde. And the decking may need replacing, as the refrigerator vent cover on the roof was leaking last year. I kept getting water in the fridge after it rained. I went up there to check it out and found the cracked cover... Anyway, we are going to have to find an alternative solution until we can replace the fridge. 

7:02 a.m.
I opened the blinds after taking a shower to find that what I thought was rain was actually freezing rain and bloppy snow. Rosie and I went out and walked around for 45 minutes. I have to keep pushing to move that congested lymph. I'm making tea, both the teas that Dr. Yasko told me not to drink. Burdock and licorice root. Burdock is the blood purifier and licorice root thins lymph. "I've had all (the pain) I can stands, I cant stands no more." Popeye. 'Parens' mine.  I figure the burdock root cleans the blood so well it removes the nutriceudicals she has me on. Licrorice root is a phytoestrogen and she knows I have xeno estrogen exposures and have had estrogen dominance issues. It was good advice to stop them on a regular basis. This just seems like a time when I need to use them, since the other stuff isn't working. 

Friday, April 15, 2016

7:21 a.m.
When Greg radio'd me yesterday he told me Ron was bringing up a small refrigerator (dorm fridge) for now and had ordered a replacement fridge. This causes my anxiety levels to rise. I'm worried about how this can be done and not contaminate my space. 

Its warmer this morning. No snow. Rained most of the night. Rosie had diarrhea again. I think its due to hormones from her heat. She woke me up a couple of times in the night so she could go out. I woke up this morning with a killer headache I can't shake. I'm feeling horribly sick and weak. Slowly getting ready to go to OHV for water. I've been showering more to get rid of toxins. I've been trying to drink more teas too.  Yesterday evening and today my LES is locked up tight. I was hoping I'd be getting better, rather than having these horrid setbacks. Hopefully, I can make this next tank of water last until they turn the water on here, on Monday. It absolutely drains me to go up there when I'm this sick.


Saturday, April 16,2016

10:30 a.m.
Well, I have a lot to catch you up on...

Getting water was almost more than I could manage. I could barely move. I had to do it extremely slowly, with lots of rests. In fact, I called Ron when I first got there, instead of doing the water first. I was exhausted and I didn't even have to get out to open and close the gate. 

When I spoke to Ron, he was concerned that my broken refrigerator may be leaking ammonia. Ammonia is the coolant that it uses. I react very badly to even trace amounts of ammonia. He could be right. I can't smell any but I react to things I can't even smell. He was anxious to get it shut down right away. The freezer was still a little cold, so I hadn't shut it off. He said he was coming up this evening with a dorm fridge, to keep me going until we could replace the regular one. I held my tongue and let him finish explaining his idea. I'm working on listening, before I freak. It keeps the freaking to a minimum. Freaking is exhausting. He wanted to get one that would fit in the back basement bin. I was better with that, than trying to put it inside the RV. I gave him the dimensions. He had researched replacements for the broken one, and we both agreed on the model. I'd researched it last year.  He'd looked at a bigger one, that uses helium (less toxic), but I really don't need more space. It would also require a remodel, and Ron doesn't need any extra work. Besides, I'm thinking I could turn the extra space under the fridge into a pan drawer. He liked that idea. He hadn't ordered it yet. He wanted to check dimensions and discuss it while he was up here, in detail. I liked that idea.

After I got the tank filled I moved all my drinking water jars outside, 2 at a time. After I rested I started to fill them when nasty bits of yellow and white stuff spewed out into the first jar. I dumped it. I tried to open the filter to see what was wrong, and change the cartridges. I figured it was coming apart inside. Only I didn't have the strength. I returned the empty drinking water jars to the inside of the RV, 2 at a time. After I rested, I called Ron and asked him to bring me drinking water, too. I wondered if the stuff that came out had toxins and could have been part of my problem? I'm so horribly sensitive...

I was so sick that when Rosie and I got back down here I set up only the minimum, opened the vents, turned up the heaters and curled up on the sofa in the fetal position with extra covers. I was chilling again. I slept most of the rest of the day. Rosie woke me at 6:30 p.m. to take her out. I felt better, but by the time we finished a short walk I was exhausted again. The new heater dischaged a horrid smell of burnt lint plus "something." That made my head ache more. I cleaned the filters. Whatever it was, was on the lint. It was then that I remembered that the evening before a plane had buzzed the tree tops above me. I'd had the vents open then, too. I'd jumped up and closed them, but perhaps I hadn't been quick enough. The plane fuel may have gotten in...  The other source of noxious VOCs was the decaying meat. I'd put it all in ziplock freezer bags, and left it in the freezer to keep it as cool as possible, but the stink was still getting through the bags. If I had to open the freezer, the stench just about brought me to my knees. 

Ron got here about 9:30 p.m.. He'd had to go to Tri-cities and 3 different Walmarts to find a dorm fridge that would fit in the back basement bin. He tied it to the top of the picnic table to air out for the night. He didn't want the wind to come up in the night and blow it off and break it. Good thinking. 

I kept the vents open all night and cranked up the heaters. I woke up this morning feeling much better. I still tire easily, but at least I don't feel almost dead. We talked about the things we could do to contain, and treat the toxins that would be stirred up, when we replace the big fridge. Ron had watched a video on containing toxins while safely removing RV refrigerators! I was impressed. Ron spent several hours getting things taken care of. He had to remove the latch to get the mini-fridge in the bin. Those screws were stripped, so they didn't want to come out. Thats what took the most time. I puttered about taking care of as many of the rest of the supplies as I could. We finally got the broken fridge cleaned out, the ruined food removed and the fresh food and my meds in the new mini-fridge. Then he needed to leave. He still had to head to his folk's to work on his great aunt's estate. 

Its much better in here. I don't know if it was the plane fuel, leaking ammonia, the rancid meat, the chemicals from the dissolving sticker on the filter cartridge, or a combination of all of them, but it feels much cleaner in here and I'm feeling better. I was also able to have 3 big tankards of coffee with 1/2 n 1/2 this morning (my other half-n-half went bad in the refrigerator). I need the methyls. I'm washing a little laundry in the sink. It was the shirt I was wearing, incase it got crap on it...💩☠🍄 (that mushroom may be cute but red mushrooms with white spots are actually very poisonous).

1:48 p.m.
So far this afternoon I've repaired a broken wooden hanger, restitched the corner of a seat cushion cover, reorganized a storage area, and  repaired the straps on my coveralls. I'm resting in between. At least I feel like doing stuff.😊

3:18 p.m.
Glorious! I had soup! I know that most of you will think thats "no big deal," but for me, its huge! I haven't eaten any real food since before the fridge went out. I've been barely eating at all, and sometimes not even able to get in liquids. When it gets that bad I have to resort to something with lots of sugar. Glucose is what the ER uses. I'm sick of eating and regurgitating sugary things. To get in nutritious soup is heavenly!!! I lost my brussel sprouts when the freezer quit, so I had carrot. Still yummm! 

With the fridge in the rear basement bin I noticed the generator (adjacent bin) volatizes gas. I'll have to have Ron check it next visit. 

4:30 p.m.
I've washed my hair, and the dishes. I'm sitting on the sofa looking out the window at the beautiful woods and feeling GOOD! There is nothing so fine as feeling good!

5:15 p.m.
Once upon a time I had beautiful feet. I'm not being vain. I'd been told by a couple of different guys that they were. One was a shoe salesman. He went into raptures over how beautiful my feet were the moment I took off my shoe to try on a pair of new ones. He was kneeling on the floor stroking them. It was rather creepy. I felt molested! It certainly did not make him a sale... But, anyway, I was convinced that some men found them beautiful. When I got sprayed back in '96, that was the end of my beautiful feet. They swelled up so bad it was like having blobs on the end of my legs. Or elephant feet... My ankles were also swollen. I heard thats called "cankles." I resolved the cankles years ago. When I get exposures my feet still swell. When I detox they get better. My feet have been swollen the last few days. I noticed, just now, that they looked more like feet, again. Not beautiful, but better. It reminded me that "once I had beautiful feet."

Sunday, April 17, 2016

7:25 a.m.
I woke up singing Nicole Mullen's "When I Call On Jesus" in my head. I was actually remembering the words. It was interesting how as a became more awake, I forgot a lot of them. But, its a great song for a Sunday morning. Here lately I've had a constant refrain from Acapella's "Jesus Is Coming Soon" playing in my head, awake or asleep. 

I got a good nights sleep. Its rare and precious. I am having trouble this morning with a few pieces of carrot that are stuck. It feels like gravel caught in my throat. They're interfering with my enjoyment of my morning coffee. I thought it was just one, but when I got it out, there was another, and another. I am getting coffee in past them. Praise God! I mean really, Praise God!! Not being able to really eat or drink is horrible! 

It is a beautiful sunny morning. The frost is melting quickly. I'm quite a bit less swollen this morning. My pants are telling me so. I'm sure most girls can relate to putting on your favorite pants during period week and having them back talk you, "Are you freaking kidding me girl?! No way! Uh-uh! You are not putting that in here! Can. Not. Zip. Up!" For me, its multiplied. Following exposures, I generally swell 5 sizes. This last round was pretty bad. Admittedly, its not the most I've ever swollen. Its the first time I've noticed this much dramatic swelling in my back and thoracic area. While the bottom of my bibbed coveralls still fit (albeit snuggly) the top wouldn't. I wear bibs because of the swelling issue. They're more flexible. The straps were a good 2.5" short! I remind myself of one of those Sylvester the cat, or Bugs Bunny cartoons where he blows himself up with his thumb and different parts expand out of proportion. Here in the real world its called lymphedema. Not the cartoon's problem, mine... When the lymph gets congested and impacted, they call it lymphadenopathy. It feels wonderful to start feeling human again. Sigh. 

11:45 a.m.
I think I over did it... 

I started out just tidying up a bit. Doing the floors, wiping down counters, that kind of thing. Then I decided it would be a great day to shift those mattress pillows. The one at the head of the bed was unsquished, the one under my bottom, super squished. The result is that I keep sliding down hill at night. I've been wanting to move the first pillow down under my knees. That should stop the sliding. I was feeling pretty good so I stripped the bed and shuffled the individual pillows inside the cover. Then I treated the cover with lavender and left it to air out in the sun coming through the window, with the vent open. After that I took Rosie for an extra long walk. The sun was shining. Sun light uses up glutathione. I shouldn't have done the extra part, or maybe kept to the shade. But the sun felt so good. Anyway, I figured I'd best see if I could get in my supplements today. So far, so good. They appear to be staying down. I rested a bit, working on knitting, then slowly remade the bed with clean sheets. I figure I'll take it easy the rest of the day. 

7:00 p.m.
I kept most of the vitamins. I finished off the day with a large cup of raw milk and a creamy cheese soup. No lumpy things. I'm boosting my fat to scavenge toxins. I was good and rested most of the day. I'm rereading "Sheriff Bo Tully mysteries" by Patrick F McManus. Every so often I knit a couple of rows to break it up. I also take Rosie out for short walks. I'm heating water for dishes, then we'll probably turn in early. It was a lovely, pleasant day of very little pain. 


Monday, April 18, 2016

Tax day...

9:20 a.m.
We actually got up before 7:00 a.m.. If I visit the mini-fridge before it warms up there is less gas exposure. I've had my coffee, yogurt and vitamins. I had a little regurging of soup last night. Mostly because the new mattress configuration put pressure on my lungs and abdomen. It was difficult to get to sleep at first. Eventually gravity won out and the weight of certain parts of my anatomy evened out the the problem. I did not slide down hill. Yay! I'm not feeling as energetic as yesterday, so I'm taking it easy again. I did do the basic chores: dishes, cleaning lint filters, bed making. 

I haven't seen Greg. Or anybody to do the water system yet. I'm sure Mondays are extra busy for him. The gravel trucks are running pretty steady. 

10:42 a.m.
We went out for Rosie's poo walk. The sun was filling the forest with the sent of toasted pine needles. Its a comforting smell, unless its fire season. 


Tuesday, April 19, 2016

6:21 a.m.
I read most of yesterday, and rested. The work crew showed up and began the water recharge process. Something must have happened somewhere else in the county because they left. In the afternoon, around 2:00 or 3:00, I noticed the spigot in the next hook up down was running. I checked mine. It wasn't. I wasn't sure if they wanted that or not. Either way, because they'd treated it with chlorine, I couldn't do anything about it. About a quarter after 5:00 p.m. I checked the outside air for fumes, took Rosie out and turned off the spigot. I noticed then that the next one down was running. I turned it off too. I didn't hear or see any others. Then we went up the hill to the skid road. When we returned my spigot was running. I shut it off. The crew return a little bit before 7:00 p.m. They must have had a trying day. They'll be back to finish it today. I had to skip my shower yesterday, I'm down to the last third of my water. 

As I was laying in bed last night, waiting for sleep to come, I was thinking about the cruelty of man to his fellow man. The Bible shares the horrific practices that conquering countries used on slaves like stripping them naked and putting a giant fish hook through there jaws, cutting out their tongues and other mutilations, and even genocide, including children and babies. We can also read that the worship of false gods included sacrificing your children by burning them alive on the alter of those gods or killing them and incorporating them in the foundation of your house... Mankind is still pretty horrific. Our news in the US is very sanitized, but if you get your news from other countries, you'll find that similar atrocities are still going on. I don't believe we've really evolved. Mankind in general is still primitively inhumane. Only those who choose Yahweh and righteousness rise above the depravity.


Wednesday, April 20, 2016

8:56 a.m.
I spent yesterday dodging crewman on ATVs and various sources of petroleum fumes, including the generator. The workers were very industrious. They zipped about getting the park ready for opening day. They worked on the water, as well as turning the tables upright and tidying the hook-ups. A dump truck arrived with a fresh load of gravel. It went out of sight towards the office building, so I don't know for sure where they put it.  I read to ease the confinement. After they left I filled my tank and showered. I'm also doing some laundry. I'll be trying to get more done on the weekends when I can move the wash machine outside and really get with the program.
Rosie finally stopped her heat bleed! Yay! I'm washing her sani-belt. That smell was nauseating! Ron came up last night with supplies and cleaned off the outside of the generator with alcohol. It had some evaporated, or leaked petroleum residue on it. Oil or gas, he said. Smelled like gasoline to me. Its been much better so far this morning, but its still cool out. The real test will be when the sun heats up that side. 

Ron told me April, one of my llamas, died the day Hiedeman sprayed the pre-emergent. Last night he told me Hiedeman told him they were spraying again (yesterday). They didn't get it all done last week... That pushes my stay out another week.

Discovered I messed up my knitting. Worked on carefully undoing it for hours. Then just when I thought I had it fixed, I discovered more mistakes further back. I stuffed it in the bag and went back to reading. 


Thursday, April 21, 2016

5:04 a.m.
Up with spinal pain. Not sure what triggered it. There was a strong petroleum odor in the bathroom where I had a shirt I had washed in the sink and was drying. I don't know if it was drift that came in through the open vent or outgassing from the shirt, which I had been wearing when I had trouble with generator gas exposures. The pain woke me up at 4:30 a.m. I got up a couple of times, it would lessen. I went back to bed, it returned. Finally I decided to get up and make coffee. To have coffee, I need half-half. To have half-n-half II have to go out to the rear basement bin. I'm not doing that in my pajamas. I don't want to risk contaminating them. So I got up and put on my clothes. I figured I'm up, might as well stay up. Maybe I'll drink 2 pots of coffee today...

I think I was pretty depressed yesterday. I spent a lot of time just staring vacantly out the window, feeling helpless to resolve any of the problems in my life. The deaths of my livestock fill me with helpless grief. I can't stop them. I can't help them. I can't even help myself. Despair. 

4:05 p.m.
The county road crew left the diesel water truck down below me by the gate its directly upwind. 


Friday, April 22, 2016

6:37 a.m.
I waited until 7:30 p.m. To take Rosie out last night. I was hoping the diesel would dissipate. I couldn't smell it when we went out but I got nauseous, and my mucus membranes burned. I went to bed hungry so I didn't get additional exposure.

I took Rosie out this morning before 6:00 a.m. I was hoping the cold would help keep the diesel down. I still got burning mucus membranes. My stomach hurts, but I'm hungry, so maybe thats it. My jaw hurts. 

I'd so been looking forward to the 3 days of no exhaust fumes, being able to get outside and do things without constant fear of exposures. I was planning on clipping Rosie and doing laundry. I can't if there are fumes. My life is not my own. I realize that for them, they can't imagine it being a problem. If I complain, I become the irritant. I become the problem. I need that wilderness property of my own. Pray for me? Please!?

12:43 p.m.
Greg showed up around 9:30 a.m. I didn't think he was working today... I didn't say anything about the fumes. About 11:30 a big wind out of the SE blew in. The water truck is NE of me. I hauled the washer out and got 3 loads washed, rinsed and hung on the line. Of course with my mini washer, a load is 3 shirts or 1 pair of jeans. Then I realized that rumble I was hearing wasn't a jet. It was a thunder storm. I left the laundry on the line as long as possible and put everything else away. I pulled in the first load which was mostly dry and draped it around inside the RV to finish. I left the other 2 out while I had lunch. Then the rain started. I brought in the others. I didn't get around to washing the stuff that got gas fumed. I'm saving it for last.  That way I won't risk cross contaminating my other things. Maybe if the weather cooperates I can get more done tomorrow. I still have sheets and towels to do before I can run the fumed stuff. 


Saturday, April 23, 2016

7:37 a.m. 
When we first got up there was a clear sky. Clouds have moved in already. When I took Rosie out to potty it was still and crisply cold. There's no breeze yet, but the clouds are racing by from the West to the East. Even as I typed the last sentence the tiniest breeze has stirred up. 

I was just about to get up and go out to refill Rosie's dog food bag from the 30 lb. one in one of the bins when the deer family crept out from behind the end of the RV. Its been weeks since we've seen them. Its the doe and her two smaller fawns with an extra fawn.  I poked Rosie, who was sleeping next to me on the sofa, and said, "Deer." She leapt up and looked intently out the window. She's so excited she's drooling and slurping. The deer walked cautiously down the hill. A step, a pause to listen, large ears pivoting, eyes wide, scanning, another step. They're looking sleek and healthy. The doe and her fawns went over the rim where we couldn't see them. The stray fawn walked along the road heading for the back slope of the draw. The road angles downward and presently the doe and her fawns rejoined the other fawn. I was surprised to see that there was another deer with them. He must have circled around the knob and snuck in below the brow of the hill. The little herd now numbered 5. They slipped off through the trees and up the back hillside.

Most of the day the wind has been directly across the toxic truck. I've been hammered every time I've had to go out. Water is in the red.


Sunday, April 24, 2016

Ron was supposed to come last night. He told me he was coming. Greg told me that Ron told him he was coming. He never showed up. I waited up until 11:00 p.m. Then I laid in bed, my stomach in a sick knot and tried to convince myself of the many, reasonable reasons for why he didn't come... There could be many reasons other than an accident or injury that caused a delay.

The wind is still blowing across the water truck to the RV. I can't open the door or window with out smelling diesel and dirty oil. The water panel no longer shows any level. I was going to try to get out and fill it first thing, when I pottied Rosie, but there were smelly turkey hunters out there. First I smelled their deodorant, then they used their turkey call. Its different than a real turkey. Besides, I've never seen a turkey here. I've seen several as Cutsforth.

12:30 p.m.
Still no sign of Ron. The wind is still not favorable for getting water or leaving the coach. I haven't heard anymore "turkey calls." 



Monday, April 25, 2016

7:03 a.m.
First I'd better recap yesterday. 

I'd turned my radio on around 1:30 p.m., just in case. Then since the 
wind switched around and seemed to be coming from either behind me or the north, I filled the water. I'd gotten all the equipment stowed and was heating water for dishes and a shower. It was sometime between 2:30 and 3:00 when a tiny, sweet little voice came over the radio, "Hello." I grabbed it up and said,
     "Well, hello there! Is this Joey-boy?" The response I got was garbled, but I think there was a "no" in there somewhere and a "princess"... I jumped into my shoes and snatched up my coat and the gate keys. I was going to check to see if there was even a car at the gate. I've occasionally gotten bits and snatches of other peoples conversations so I wasn't sure. I paused long enough to check the wind. It had still continued to be pretty switchy all afternoon. It was close enough. I left Rosie in the RV though. I didn't want to have to wash her if it came back on us. I walked down the hill, away from the truck, to where I could see the gate. About the time I saw the car, Ron's head popped over the hill. I heard Joey's little voice asking if "nama" was up here. I changed directions and headed that way. Joey heard Rosie barking and told Poppa that was her. Poppa asked him if he was sure. Pretty soon Joey's little head came into view. Thats all that showed above the bushes as he struggled through them. "Joey-boy! " I cried out. He looked over and smiled. He fought his way through the last of the shrubbery and clomped over in his new, too big, shoes. I grabbed him up, smooched him and hugged him. He laughed but wanted back down. He's 3 now you know. He's independent. I asked Ron about the shoes. He smiled assent. I gave him the gate keys and he headed back down the hill.  Joey took my hand as we walked up the hill. He was anxiously asking about Rosie. He wanted to know if he could go in and see her. I said, "Yes, you're wearing your grandma house clothes." He hopped in excitement. When we reached the RV he climbed up on the step to open the door. I reminded him that we had to open it first or the door would knock him off the step. He took his shoes off when we entered as soon as I asked him to. My he's growing up so fast! Rosie was right in there wiggling and "helping." Then both he and Rosie leapt about in excitement. Rosie's yips and barks were a little too loud for the small space. Joey was pretty cute trying to shush Rosie. I suppose my RV must seem like a fort to Joey. He loves it. He clambered around everywhere, chattering about T-rexes and imaginary critters. I'm assuming its part of a game he picked up at daycare from some of the older kids. He clambered up on the sofa to watch Poppa drive back up the hill. I'd quickly started putting away my things while he and Rosie were greeting each other. My computer, my charging cables, my power bar. He asked if he could play in the cabover. I smiled, "Of course, that's why I'm cleaning up my stuff." He climbed up and helped me, while being a T-rex. My daughter had told me that one of his friends loved dinosaurs and gave Joey a T-rex for his birthday. They play dinosaurs a lot.  Cabovers are a perfect place to play T-rex, apparently. I did my part, playing T-rex too. Grandma T-rexes grab and smooch little Joey T-rexes while pretending to eat their rosey cheeks, nom, nom! Ron joined us in a few more minutes. He doesn't pretend to be a T-rex, but he enjoys the romping and giggling. When Joey moved on from the cabover to the cab he found my crumb piggy. Its a battery operated vaccuum for sucking up bread crumbs. I just use it for dirt. Its shaped like a pig. I showed Joey how it worked. He spent a good part of the afternoon finding things for the piggy to "eat." Then we'd empty him. You have to take off his head and  pull out the filter to dump the dirt. Joey found that part extremely interesting. He's very mechanically minded. It reminded me of my Grandpa. He could repair or make anything. 

Joey wanted to eat so Poppa brought in his snacks and I scrambled Joey an egg. We just had a lovely, busy afternoon doing very normal things. I loved it. We did a little coloring. We cleaned out the light covers because Joey insisted. We checked each one for bugs. There were a few. It was Joey's favorite part. We oohed and ahhed right along with him. We went for a walk. Ron hung up pieces of yarn on branches on either side of the RV, while we were out, so I could keep track of wind direction easier. Joey wanted to walk in the woods, not on the trail. We did that for a few minutes. Then he decided he wanted to walk on the road among the trees. He felt that was still "the woods." It was easier than tromping through bushes that came up to his chin and over limbs and branches. Can't argue that. They headed for home about 6:00 p.m. I thanked them both for coming.  Ron said he'd be back Friday. I was too tired to take that shower and it was too late in the evening; my hair would be too wet. It would soak the pillow. 

I slept well. I even dreamed. We (Rosie and I) got up around 6:30 this morning. Its cloudy, no wind. The county road crew came and got their water truck about 7:30 a.m. He let it idle, warming up for 15 minutes. I'm definitely going to have to wait for a while before taking my half-n-half back to the fridge. The gravel trucks are running as well. I'm back to timing outdoor trips between those. Ron did bring my methyl B12 yesterday, finally!! Its pretty abominable that it took the pharmacy 4 months to ship it to me! I gave myself a shot while Joey was busy with the piggy, and that part of me feels better! Its a subQ shot. It leaves a pink stain under your skin until its used up. Its already gone. I'll probably do another one today. 

Tuesday, April 26, 2015

6:59 a.m.
I read all day yesterday to ease the loneliness. O.k. not ALL day. I did the chores and went for walks and played with Rosie. But most of the day I read. It was a relief that the water truck was taken away. The air is so much cleaner! I developed a terrible chemical burn over the 3 day weekend. It looked like a 2 nd degree heat burn, blisters and everything. Its starting to heal now. The boils and chloracne that I'd developed when the grader was here, and had started healing after it left, came back too. I didn't say anything to Greg when he radio'd. I don't want to upset the whole road crew. I have to give a little to get along. 

I tried carrot soup again yesterday: Regurged and aspirated all night. That woman in the mirror looks like she was rode hard and put away wet. I feel so broken and beat up. 

10:36 a.m.
I finished another novel. Its the second time I've read this author's books. I'd forgotten why I didn't like them. The author is young, or inexperienced with the lifestyles she writes about. Her characters are more like caricatures. Her plots, convoluted and unwieldy. Sad that I would come to the point where I would be reading poorly written fiction to keep from thinking about my reality. I did chores. The whole time I thought about how so many churches deal with pain and suffering these days. Sugar coat it. Gloss it over. Shove it under the rug. I started thinking about writing my own novel but found myself thinking about writing a book about real Biblical suffering and how the Bible says to deal with loss. Maybe it could bring some true comfort to people out there that have been traumatized and "the system" demeans them all the more for their struggles. I'd like to, but I'm not sure that those are demons I can face all alone. Yeah, yeah, "We're never alone with Christ." That is true in one aspect, but He tells us we need "fellowship." We need people "with skin on" to help us through. Unfortunately many Christians only get trite 20-21st century sayings from "feel good ministries." They're not really Biblical, if they are incomplete according to the Word. Then when they stumble into tribulation, those trite sayings collapse under them, causing them to loose their faith. Its like they built their foundation of straw, or (Biblically) on loose sand. If I didn't know what the Bible really said, I'd have been destroyed long ago. 

3:00 p.m.
I decided that the best thing for my anxiety today was to try, no matter how difficult, to work on the some on some of the things that I'd tried and gotten too sick. I started with the computer work. I want to have as much done as possible, so that when I get back home, there would only be a few things left. I've been so toxed these last few months that every time I've sat down to work on it, my head swam. I got a huge chunk of it done. It was nice to be able to tackle it and have it go smoothly. I'm making a list of the stuff I'll need to complete when I get home to my records.

8:57 p.m.
After that I picked up a heavy shirt I needed to mend. I'd patched it, but wanted to x-stitch over the patch. I discovered that either the shirt or the x-stitch thread had toxins. Bagged it. Sigh. I set the dehumidifier up in the cab. I' noticed it was pretty moist in there again. Next I baked a custard. And then picked up that silk mohair project that I messed up on. I ripped it all the way back to 4" of rows. Then spent the evening watching a movie and knitting. 

Surprisingly, it turned out to be a pretty productive day. I'm beat.


Wednesday, April 27, 2016

6:11 a.m.
Another night of regurge and aspiration. This time it managed to hang off until 4:00 a.m.. After that there was no point in even trying to sleep. Rosie thought we should go out at 5:00 a.m. But I nixed that. I wasn't quite ready to get up and get dressed. I let her out the door on her lead, but she didn't have to go potty. I think she's just bored. Can't blame her. I'm bored with being stuck in here too! It wouldn't be quite so bad if we could get out without worrying about being toxed. Setting up the awning and airing out a few of the stinkier projects would be nice. I could work on those outside. As it is, its just not possible. I can't leave stuff out, to air out if a diesel truck is going to come by and get exhaust on it. We've been in here for 3 months so far. Its driving us both nuts!

5:48 p.m.
Shower and water day. I filtered drinking water too. The water part took an hour. I spent the rest of the day knitting. I reworked everything I had to rip out. Not much else to tell. 

Thursday, April 28, 2016

7:41 a.m.
Another hard night: coughing up chest congestion, and watery fluid running out of my nose. Not sure what thats about. Maybe it was part of the previous nights regurge. That would be better than some of the alternatives. 

Its another cool, overcast day here in the Blue Mountains. The coffee's perking. The road and park are quiet. Its a "safer" morning. 

Here lately Rosie keeps giving me these reproachful looks. I'm not sure if its "How come we can't go home?" Or "Why haven't you clipped my face?" It could be some thing else entirely. She's definitely bored, and she prefers her face clipped smooth. The reason for both is the same: toxins. I'm hoping they don't park that water truck here over this weekend. They, being the county road crew, work 4,10 hour days. They'd leave it today, if they were going to. If they don't leave stinky diesel coated equipment I can get out and do more chores. #1 is finishing Rosie's clip. Another one is more laundry. I also need to air out some things. I'm so frustrated with how much my life is limited by the whims of others. They have no idea what their decisions do to me. They're just minding their own business. I'm just so horribly sensitive that it makes everybody else's business my business. I hate it! 

7:00 p.m.
I worked on an organizer for my electronics cabinet. I'm making it out if a worn out pair of coveralls. I cut out an appropriate sized piece from a leg and hemmed it. Then I figured out where I'd place all the chargers, cables and accessories, drew pocket shapes around them and cut out the first pocket. 

No diesel equipment left here. 🙂


Friday, April 29, 2016

8:00 a.m.
I slept in. I slept well. No coughing, choking, regurge or sinus drainage. 

The Parks crew is here working down at the office. I didn't even hear them come in. When I took Rosie out I smelled the tiniest hint of exhaust. I told myself it was from the road, or I was just paranoid. Then I heard hammering. As we started down the skid road I heard a vehicle coming down the highway. I was high enough at that point, it was cold enough, that the fumes would not get me if I waited right there. I was on the back side of the knob. It was a white truck. It slowed down when it reached the park and turned in at the gate. I retraced my steps just enough that I could see over the hill into the park. I wanted to know what the driver was going to do. I knew the hill and the bulk of the knob would protect me from the fumes. I heard the chain rattle as he unlocked the gate. I heard the groan of the metal as he swung the gates wide. I watched him drive in, thru the lower camping spots and go the wrong way down the road toward the office. Park crewman. I turned and continued Rosie and my walk to the bottom of the hill. 

We returned to the RV, stopping at the rear bin for half-n-half for coffee. I figured I may not get out later so I grabbed the cookie dough I made yesterday.  I'm disappointed, but I'm starting to become resigned to it. Though with resignation comes depression. It would be less of a pain if I didn't have to go outside to get food. I sure hope that replacement refrigerator comes soon! I'm hoping to get information on its arrival date when Ron gets here this evening. He'd thought it was coming the same week he ordered it because he got an email notice of a shipment. That was my mB12. We didn't talk about it when he was here last, we had Joey to play with. 

My daughter is out of town on business this week. Ron's folks were coming over to watch the boys. I wonder if they'll be coming up with Ron today?

8:00 p.m. 
Greg came by about 2:30 p.m. and let me know that this spot will be rented out next Thursday, so I need to move. I decided I should go to Cutsforth, instead of move to a different spot here. The others are all down hill and I'd get hurt.  He wanted to know when I would be going. I told him I would check with Ron when he came by this evening. I'd need gas in Heppner, and that station won't accommodate me. 

I worked on sewing the organizer most of the day. I completed 5 pockets.

Just Ron came, though he showed up at 4:30!  After he put my groceries in the mini-fridge we walked and talked for hours. We just went around the campground, over and over. We sat for awhile, then walked some more. Ron has a meeting in Heppner on Monday, so that's the day I'll go to Cutsforth. It looks like my daughter and her family, with Ron, will be joining me for Mother's day. I don't think my son and his family can make it. They are finishing up a house remodel, and getting ready to move for his new job. 


Saturday, April 30, 2016

6:00 a.m.
I woke up at 4:00 detoxing and couldn't get back to sleep. I tried. I eventually got up around 5:30 sometime. I started to make coffee, but had to get water from under the dinette. I went ahead and filled all the easily accessible quart jars since I had the dinette tore up. All the shuffling of crap gets to me. Since it was so early I didn't take Rosie for a walk, but I did take her with me to get the half-n-half. She took care of her most pressing "business" while I had my head in the bin. We'll walk later, after the coffee kicks in. 

Ron did tell me the "Adventure of Refrigerator Shipping" yesterday. The shipping company had trouble communicating. They were supposed to contact him when it shipped. They didn't. They were supposed to contact him with an ETD. They didn't. They were supposed to call with an hours notice. They didn't. Eventually they got it sorted. It arrived yesterday. I don't know which day he has plans to install it. I did try to impress upon him how important it is to me that it gets done quickly. He mentioned something about picking up the roof guard, to seal the floor under it, on the 15th, on his way through Portland. That probably means I won't get it until at minimum, the following weekend.  Three more weeks of sticking my head in the bin with the spare tire. Ugh. I'm very concerned about being trapped in my RV by other people's chemicals once the parks are opened and not being able to access my food. But I have to let that go and not worry about it. I will have cell up at Cutsforth, so I guess I could call him if that happens. 

11:49 a.m.
Rosie and I took an extra long walk. Around the park, down the hill and up the hill. I sewed on one pocket then decided I should change activities. Fibro, you know; if you do the same thing for awhile, that muscle group starts hurting. I decided the weather was perfect for clipping Rosie. It wasn't quite as perfect as I first thought... It turned out it was colder than I anticipated. But, we got it done. Rosie looks beautiful! 



I trimmed her ears so they wouldn't get in her food. I think they look prettier longer, but I won't remember to put them back. I gave her feet the classic poodle trim too. I'm thinking it will help keep fir needles to a minimum. Rosie is very pleased about the feet. She can do her nails without getting a mouthful of fur now.

After her clip I needed a shower to get rid of the itchy dog trimmings that the wind blew back in my face and down my shirt. So now I'm resting up before doing waters. It's always something. I want to do laundry but I'm too tired. The wind is switchy, too. I don't want to do all that work just to have them fumed from the highway. There's plenty of traffic going by. I'll see about tomorrow being a good laundry day. 

9:15 p.m.
Well, it was a pretty typical day. After the water I worked on projects. Still doing the knitted shawl and the organizer. Rosie and I took walks. I watched movies I've watched several times already, just so it wouldn't be so quiet. I got a bug in my hair the last time out. I got out the mint spray to chase it out of my hair. Then I realized the bottle was almost empty. I mixed up more. Rosie was acting like bugs (or fleas) were bothering her so I sprayed her down good also. She stopped itching. I haven't actually seen any fleas. I did find a tiny pine beetle on the couch. I think thats what was in my hair. They must be starting to hatch. I hadn't seen any previously. Earlier in the week it was the carpenter ants, and other large winged ants, that were hatching. The log beside my RV was covered with them. A carpenter ant actually hitched a ride on me into the RV. I caught sight of him on my shoulder out of the corner of my eye. I whacked him off before I'd even registered what it was. I had momentarily thought it was a spider. It took me a couple of days to find him and put him back outside. All the insects hatching out have brought the birds. Yesterday a beautiful pair of bluebirds were courting right outside the window. I've seen a few black capped chickadees and some juncoes. The chickadees were scarfing up the ants like they were Good 'n Plenties. 


Sunday, May 1, 2016

7:28 a.m.
The fire alarm went off twice last night. Both times about an hour after I fell asleep. The second time I was so hyped up by the adrenaline there was no way I could fall back to sleep. I got up and worked on the computer. It was after 2:00 a.m. sometime, that I finally got back to sleep. I'm guessing it was the essential oils rather than any smoke triggered the alarm. I couldn't smell anything. It only chirped 2 beeps each round. I wondered if it was the battery needing replacement, but since it didn't say anything else, shrug, it must have been the volatized mint.

It is a crispy, clear, cold sunny morning. That white down in the meadow is frost.




It would be a great day for laundry except for the road fumes. There was also a strange stinky smell on the wind in the camp ground last night on our last walk. It came from the direction of the office. I'd better not risk doing laundry. I'd better just hold tight. Though pants are in short supply...

2:06 p.m.
I didn't put it together last night but I suffered horrible anxiety attacks and emotional lability. Lots of heart broken crying. My tongue was also swollen up in my mouth and my teeth hurt. Then t'words morning I was freezing. I just thought it got that cold outside. Only I've suffered chills and severe pain all day. And my symptoms are escalating. I'm so cold I'm wearing a long underwear top, my heavy wool sweater and have wrapped myself in a heavy blanket. Its 70°F outside! I have the IR heaters cranked up and the southern window blinds open. Its so warm in here that the heaters have cycled off. I'm still cold, though not as icy.  The anxiety crested about 12:30 p.m.. Though waves keep returning. My ankles feel like they've been shattered and every nerve in my core and skin alternates between horrid pain and feeling as though there is a strong electrical current burning through it. My left leg is agonizing clear to my thigh. My other major muscles keep spasming and my guts are roiling. I have a massive headache. Great! @@ I keep wanting to do something to distract myself but I feel too awful to do anything. If I was at home I'd take scalding hot showers alternated with IR sauna. I don't have the ability to do that here. Not enough water. No sauna. The heaters do not go to 110°F and it would be too hard on the dog. I'm not going out to the fridge to get a shot because when I put away the half-n-half I smelled gas. I don't want to make my symptoms worse.

3:10 p.m. 
Warmer. Thank God! I've got a new and different symptom, I'm having difficulty "unclenching or opening joints. I was doing the one finger type, and then found that I could barely open my hand. I have no idea if that includes major muscle groups. I'll find out though. I have huge bladder irritation. I'm sucking myself together to get up and go to the bathroom. I'm so weak I don't want to move... Oh yeah, I'm thinking the chemical must have been some kind of OP with petroleum solvents, based on 
symptoms. It smelled like Tin-actin foot fungus treatment. I Didn't take it very seriously, I should have. 

7:30 p.m.
At 3:30 the next wave of symptoms hit and I passed out until 6:00. I scraped everything I had together and gathered my shot supplies. My symptoms had gotten so bad I HAD to do the shot. I heated water. When I t was almost ready I changed into contaminated clothes, closed the blinds, took Rosie out to potty and grabbed a glute vial. We jumped back into the coach where I drew it into the syringe then bailed out and returned the vial to the fridge. I returned to the inside of the RV,  and shucked/ binned my clothes. I washed Rosie, then me. Then I did the glute shot. I was not doing at all well. I had thick choking throat snot, heavy lung congestion, and chest pain. With that done, I collapsed on the couch. I feel horrible and like I'm not going to make it. Circling the drain, again. 


Monday, May 2, 2016

1:19 p.m.
Last night was rough. It just kept getting worse. Around 8:45 p.m. I got so bad that I wrote a goodbye letter. That sucks: Alone, in exile hanging on by will power, and the grace of God. Every system shutting down, my body stumbling, broken. What can you say in a short letter at the end of your life? I could barely type. Basically it said I loved my family, I was sorry for my disability being so onerous, and I thanked those who had helped me cope, and goodbye. Sorry about the mess... 

It would undoubtably take a few days for them to find me and my body would have begun the decaying process. That's going to be a horrible thing to find. And to clean up...

Then I curled up and tried to hang on. Little bit by little bit it got a smidgeon better. I kept trying to do what I could think of to treat my symptoms. I was up and down all night. I made it to morning (5:00 a.m.). Whipped, bludgeoned, but still alive. 

I was supposed to leave Ansen-Wright at 9:00 a.m.. I still had to put everything away for travel. I focused on just doing one thing at a time. Then I'd rest. Taking it one task at a time, I managed to get everything stowed. Well, almost everything. I forgot the heater with the wheels... I knew the unhooking was going to be a major issue. I didn't want a repeat of Sunday's trauma from another exposure. I had to force my brain to come up with a workable plan. I felt like Gollum when he was trying to guess the answer to Bilbo's riddles. Hands to head, straining to think! I decided to try putting on dirty clothes, unhooking, driving down to the gate and if it wasn't unlocked taking care of that, then showering when I got out of the park. It would be longer in the contaminated clothes, and contaminate the inside of the RV more, but it was the best I could come up with. I knew the outside of the gate's approach was too steep to operate the water pump, but I'd solve that later. I'd have to preheat the water 30 minutes before our scheduled departure time.  I didn't have coffee or take Rosie out because that would be more exposures. I couldn't tell for sure if the toxin that got me was gone, but since I got worse after going out the following morning, I have to assume it was still there. I did have some herbal teas. Once we got through the gate I turned up the highway t'ward OHV. Thats when I discovered I'd forgotten that heater with the wheels. It was careening all over in the back, tethered only by its plug. I don't know how I could have missed it. I have to step over it when I go down the hall! Rosie was quite alarmed. She backed as far away from the rampaging monster as her safety harnesses tether would allow.  Anyway, there's a good sized turn-out up the road a piece for semis to chain up. I pulled over there, pottied Rosie and then came back in. I ditched my dirty clothes, showered and stowed the heater. I put on the last set of clean clothes I possess: a jumper and a thin, short sleeved peasant blouse.  Then, still sick and weak I drove down to Heppner to meet Ron, so he could fill my gas tank. 

Ron followed me up to Cutsforth to make sure there weren't any petroleum spills. There was one. We didn't have a shovel but he improvised by using my safety cone. He dumped my waste water, which I was going to do before I left Ansen-Wright, until I got toxed. Then I couldn't risk the exposure. There's no septic at this sight so it has to be done down below. He helped me set up. At least here I have my mountain phone and can call out if I get into trouble. My plan was to rest a bit then start on the laundry. Unfortunately the water wasn't working at my spot. Ron said he'd relay that to Sandy, the camp host. I did open all the windows and vents and air it out real good in here for a couple of hours. I heard a piece of heavy equipment start up down below so I shut it all down to be on the safe side. It was really nice to be able to get fresh air in here. I made coffee and ate some raw cookie dough. For now, I'm just going to rest.

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