Tuesday, May 3, 2016
I was so tired last night I went to bed shortly after 7:30 p.m. I woke up with detox at 3:00 a.m. I accu-pressured and massaged all the painful spots. They hurt enough to keep me from sleeping but nothing like they'd hurt on Sunday. Just about the time I got all that sorted (around 5:00) the sun came up and the birdies started tweeting. Rosie decided to bite her nails. Snick, snick, snick... The air purifier was wooshing. I gave it up and got out of bed.
The coffee's on, finally. I had to grind more beans. They were in the
Mini-fridge, in the rear basement bin. I had to psych myself up to go out and get them. My sweater is bagged: contaminated. My coat, the same. Its cold out there! I sure hope they fix that water this morning so I can get my weather appropriate clothes washed!
My skin is extruding toxins in hard little pellets like sharp grains of sand. I itch! Even my eyes are gritty.
They didn't get the water fixed today. 😟
I discovered another source of exposures... Gas, possibly from the blow out in January, or something else toxic, volatizes out of the battery box under the step in the coach entrance when it gets hot. I'd noticed that I had to crack open a vent or window when I ran the heat pump. It was drawing fumes from somewhere. Well today that side of the vehicle got full sun and really heated up. I ran the heat pump on cool with vents open. Later when the shade moved over and covered us I turned the heat pump off. As the day warmed up and the breeze died down I started feeling really ill again. I was thoroughly exasperated and got out the "combustible gas detector" thinking maybe the temperature had caused more ammonia to leak out of the refrigerator compressor. I was going to find where it was coming in! Actually my first thought was, "What the hell!?" Then I went for the detector. Man did it scream! I had to open all the vents wide and the windows to get it to calm down to a readable level. I started tracking VOCs. I swept the edges of the fridge. The detector said it was coming out of the wall below the fridge at the bottom of of the step. I stuffed the crack full of wool and covered it with duct tape. It was still pinging like crazy! It wasn't the refrigerator! It was coming out of the battery box and pooling in the stair well. Obviously, when its hot and things were closed up the fumes were filling the RV! Great!😱
I know the last time I had the detector out it wasn't warm and it didn't show up when I swept that spot. Its always something... So I duct taped the bajeezers out of anything and everything in that area until the detector told me no more fumes were coming in. Can I finally stop being TOMA (Toxed Off My Ass) now?
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
I checked the stairwell last night after I'd closed everything up. There was a response. I applied more duct tape. There was still a slight response. I got up several times during the night to see if it increased. It did not. This morning I swept under the RV with the detector wand. Well as far as it reached without me sticking my face down there. No response. Not even by the generator. Interesting.
I did visit with Ron via 'mountain phone' yesterday evening. Its so nice being able to have contact.. He purchased more minutes.
I did laundry most of the day. I still have a couple items on the line. I'm dodging rain showers. One item I don't care if it gets wet. The other is a seat cover made of a heavy turkish bath sheet. It's the one I'm bringing in when it rains. I got most of the laundry done by getting it mostly dry, then bringing it in here. There wasn't much sun so it was taking too long. I kept running out of room on the clothesline. My compact washer is a Panda. It has one tub for wash/rinse/drain and one for spin. You have to manually add water and turn the dial to agitate or drain. Then you move the clothes to the spin side and set the timer. I rinse my normal clothes twice. Anything that was contaminated I rinsed extra.
In between I worked on my organizer. I just have the grommets and velcro left.
I don't have the grommets or velcro here. The velcro is for the straps that hold the cables. I have a second, smaller one that I just started hemming.
Unbelivably, I have more gadgets. 🙄
Rosie didn't like laundry day. She kept trying to poo near my laundry. I don't want my laundry to smell like dog poo! 😒💩 So I'd take her some place else. Then she wouldn't do her business. Eventually I left her in the coach while I ran out and did the next bit.
A huge storm came up really suddenly at about 6:20 p.m.. I grabbed my seat cover and it was too late to go back for the shirt. And its been pouring! Like by the bucket loads. We don't typically have that kind of rain here. The clouds rolled over the mountain tops thick and roiling. The bottom of the cloud was 10 feet off the canyon floor. That would be 30 feet below me. I couldn't see the top. I was just about to run out and unplug us when the thunder started booming and cracking all around us. We were in the thick of it. I hadn't heard any as it approached, until just before it reached us. The lightening was initiating about 10-15' above us. I saw one that was just like a static electrical "spark" only it was huge! It was about the size of a picnic table. I decided I'd be better just turning everything off and staying in. At first Rosie was scared because of the ferocity of the rain. She backed up against me
and cringed with every gust of driven rain. I just put an arm around her and quietly watched the show. Pretty soon she relaxed and went back to sprawling on the sofa. The thunder didn't appear to bother her, just the pounding of the rain.
Thursday, May 5, 2016
I was up at 2:30 a.m. with detox. I had a headache along with the other stuff. At first I figured it was from the chlorine I smelled in the water while doing laundry. After an hour I wondered if it was whatever is in the stairwell. I got up, ran the detector and opened all the vents. I opened the door and window this morning. It isn't alleviating it, so maybe its from the chlorine. Heck, it could be from too much sun.
I'm making coffee. I already took the seat covers back out. Around 8:30 we'll head down and dump the grey water. I'm hoping the seat covers will be dry by then! If not they'll go back to the shower. I need to get the dump done before the first guests arrive. That's today. I called Sandy, the camp host, last night. There will be two campers besides me, and my guests, here over the weekend. One in an RV. One renting a cabin. I was hoping I'd have until tomorrow. O' well. My plan for the rest of the day mostly involves recovering.
I'm not very good at "resting." I got the water chores done. I had to dodge the propane truck that came in to fill tanks at cabins while I was trying to dump the grey and getting my RV set back up. He was circling around not only the camp but the privately owned cabins behind me. I hung my laundry back out, after he left. But I couldn't just rest. I knew I'd need to fill the fresh, but there was too much chlorine in the water still for me to use in here. It kept nagging at me until I got up and ran my regular garden hose out into some shrubbery. I ran the faucet until the chlorine was gone like Greg did at Anson-Wright. That took about 30 minutes. Only I couldn't keep from going out to check it. I found I had to keep checking the laundry too. It's because I'm anxious about the guest coming and possibly contaminating it with exhaust fumes.. Finally a threatening looking storm rolled in and I brought it all in because I didn't want it rained on. Maybe I can rest now...
I took a lovely 2.5 hour nap after lunch. I woke up when a
smattering of heavy rain hit the roof a few minutes ago. I remembered I needed to bring in the clothes line. I'd left it up thinking the clouds would pass and I'd take the laundry back out. Just before I fell asleep I determined that it was going to be rainy all day. Rosie and I went out to get it when we got up. The guests had apparently just arrived. I didn't hear them drive in. They smelled strongly of super hot brakes. It was amazingly more stinky than trucks coming down cabbage. There was something off about it though. I hope I don't react to that. 😟
Friday, May 6, 2016
Well, no such luck. They increased their stink. It got foggy. The stink was trapped in the campground and just kept getting stronger. I think they were venting the stink out of their camper. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. with a headache. I tried to open the door to air out the RV, but the stink outside rushed in and seared my throat. It burned my face and eyes, but my throat was way worse! I waited until the wind came up to take Rosie out. There was less stink but I still got an exposure. Its not like they stopped using the stinky chemicals so the air outside has a chance to clear out. I have the heaters off because heat makes it worse. So I'm sick and cold. I can't find any place safer to go! So need that wilderness property!
It just got worse and worse. When I'd crack the window open to check, my mouth and throat would get seared. My stomach and throat were burnt. I'd get the shakes and I couldn't stop them. I was curled up in the fetal position suffering and miserable. I called Sandy twice today. Once in the morning. I didn't get any help.She just treats me like I'm a hypochondriac. She cuts me off. She pooh-poohs everything I say. She encourages me to leave. She accuses me of trying to ruin the other camper's stay. I thought we were past that! She'd basically told me she despised me because my
whole life was about my disease. She told me that she hated me because I had multiple health problems, that I must be a hypochondriac,or making it all up to manipulate people or get attention. That's what she said back in 2014, the second time I stayed at Ansen-Wright! She said it indirectly, saying it about "all people that made their whole life about their illness," but there was no mistaking her meaning. She was telling me that that is what she thinks about me. I guess she's been trying real hard to get along but still thinks I'm a faker!
I just couldn't hack the horrific symptoms anymore. Sandy refused all my accommodation requests that involved staying at Cutsforth. She gave me no choice but to leave. I waited until the wind was blowing hard and from a favorable direction. I stowed everything and broke camp and made a run for it. I drove up the mountain further to an unmanned Forest Service campground. I got everything aired out and am feeling better. My throat is still seared, my pee is dark brown (kidney damage), there is a livid chemical burn coming out on my body, but I'm no longer shaking or as debilitated. I called her the second time from here, at unmanned campground.
So far we had one hiker walk through with 2 dogs. That's it. I shut everything back down when Rosie signaled the dog was coming. The outside of the RV kind stinks like that smell. But, its windier up here so hopefully the wind will scrub the stink off.
Resting and trying to recover. I've been able to safely take the dog out and access my mini-fridge. I'm currently running the generator to cold up the fridge.
There have been a couple of people stop to use the restroom this afternoon. There were 4 deer that entered the campground just as Rosie and I were heading out to put away some food. Thats all the company we've had so far. The wind blew pretty hard and cold most of the afternoon and evening. Its dropped off in the last half hour. The cloud cover is breaking up. It will probably be quite cold tonight. I'm a little anxious about being up here by myself, but at least I can breathe. I don't know what other choice I have.
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Well that was an interesting night. Just before midnight I was awakened by a diesel truck pulling in and backing around then it sounded like they cut their engine. I scrambled to a window to look out. It was almost pitch black out there. I could see a few stars but that's it. Then I caught the headlights of something winding its way out the exit road. I wasn't sure if there was still someone in here with me. I figured I'd know more when the moon came up.
Rosie and I continued watching just incase it was a bad situation. About 10-15 minutes later there were gun shots from a large caliber handgun. I think there were 5. The first two shots were separated. Then there was a group of shots. We kept watch until 2:00 a.m. Nothing else happened. The moon didn't come up. I ran the heat for about 30 minutes. I woke up cold around 5:00 and ran the heat again. About 6:00 a.m. the first person needing the restroom arrived. In the intervening time 2 groups of turkey hunters came in. One guy (and possibly his son) checked his radiator and had a boil over. I hope it doesn't cause me problems. They pretended to just be waiting for the radiator to cool while they 'o so casually, just happened to work their turkey call. They were in a blue over blue GMC. The second truck was banana yellow, street spiffy, and had 2 young guys. They didn't even get out. They just drove around the parameter. I was starting to wonder if I was going to be able to get out to potty the dog and grab my half-n-half for coffee.The sun is up and its a beautiful sunny, clear day.
In the middle of the night I had realized that I was really worried about wether those stinky people in F13 were actually making meth. They use cough syrup to cook meth. Lots of cough syrup is artificially flavored with cherry. It was my first suspicion when I first smelled them, when it was just the "hot brakes smell," but I passed it off to watching too many cop shows. I didn't want to over-react. Then the stinky got huge, had the strange artificial fruity odor and was so strong it burnt my throat, injured my kidneys and made me so sick I was just dealing with the trauma. Later that day I found that the chemical burn on my torso, was now a large, angry, very bright red, like a stop light red. It was incredibly painful. With the smell and my reactions the more I thought about it, the more convinced I was that it could be meth. Meth is made with ammonia. Ammonia from fertilizer gives me a similar, milder chemical burn. I don't really know what meth smells like. They say "cat pee" but that would be totally different for me. I wish someone who really knows what it smells like would check it out. I'd never get over it if I saved myself and the people I left behind were hurt because I didn't say anything. I had kept trying to tell Sandy when I called her in the morning, but she kept cutting me off and treating me like I was making stuff up. She wouldn't hear it when Imcalled her from here, either.
I had deliberated for hours, including most of the night, and finally called the sheriff early this morning, to tell him what I smelled and let him decide if it was worth checking out. I even told him I have chemical hypersensitivity and it may be nothing. He said he'd send his deputy out just to sniff and see. Around 8:00 a.m. I called Sandy, so she wouldn't be caught off guard, and be mad at me. She was mad anyway, that her other campers would be interrogated. I assured her the deputy was just going to sniff to see if it was meth. She said they were grandparents so they couldn't be druggies. How ignorant is that?! She must have had really nice parents. Because of my teaching degree and license I was trained that even people that look well off and appear nice abuse their kids. Lots of criminals are seniors and lots of parents and grandparents sacrifice their kids for their greed! I didn't say any of that. She thinks I'm crazy so it wouldn't get in. I repeated that I just ask for a sniff test from the sheriff. She snarled something sarcastic about how I'd ruined the start of her season and angrily hung up on me.
The deputy (Cromwell) came to see me after he interviewed the people (he said). He didn't smell anything. Yeah, he said he interviewed the people, so he did accost them. 😣 I was surprised he did that because I've interacted with law enforcement for decades and I've never had an officer exceed my request unless there was actual evidence for him to act on. But I tried not to let on that I was dismayed. You don't argue with authorities. He also treated me like I was a crazy person, and that I wasted his time. He was clearly annoyed. He was annoyed that I wouldn't open the window to talk to him. He said he couldn't hear me and didn't want me to write notes. He was also video taping me. He told me that "meth smells like really strong cat pee." He was so antagonistic t'ward me that I didn't bother to explain to him that I smell cat pee and chemicals differently than most people. I discern the components, or notes, like a wine, chocolate or coffee taster, only much more intense than that. He also made a snide remark relating to my comment (which he must have gotten from the dispatcher, since he couldn't hear me...) that this chemical smell had a "fruity note." After he said it smells like cat pee he said, "It doesn't have a fruity note. That would be wine." I didn't make a reply. You can't educate a closed mind. Just because he can't discern the notes doesn't mean they wouldn't be there to people who can. I did try to tell him that I was glad it wasn't meth and that I had called because I was worried. I could tell something was hinky, but have no knowledge of why he was acting the way he was. I feel like I'm the bad guy for being concerned. That's what you get for caring about others these days?
The chemical burn on my torso (and my urine) smells like decomp and that chemical. The rash is starting to fade. The skin there is turning slimey and grey-brown. Even with frequent, careful washings I can't get rid of the horrid smell. It is less painful.
Ron, my daughter and her family got here about 1:30 p.m. I got to visit and play with 2/3 rds of my family. It was very nice. Ron brought me some organic avocados. I shared one with Joey-boy. He does love his fruits and veggies. My youngest grandchild, Toby is at the flirty stage. He flirts with everybody. I hardly get to see him so that was especially precious. He's sitting up and my daughter says he's almost crawling. They roasted hotdogs over the fire. Ron made a potato salad so I didn't have to smell the chemicals in the store bought ones. My daughter said that them coming up to see me was my present. I agreed. It took a lot of effort for them to get up here. She said that Justin (my son-in-law) wanted to get me a gift but she nixed all the ideas because they would have toxed me. I told her how much I appreciated that! I also value the time spent with them more than stuff. They went home around 4:30 p.m.. I changed back to my previous location at this camp. A little old couple had arrived, parked right behind me because it was a shady spot and crawled into their van and took a nap, 30 minutes before my family arrived so we moved to a different location so I wouldn't get toxed by them. Anyway, I moved back here because I can see who is coming and going better. The elderly couple left right after my family. I changed out of that set of clothes. It was smokey. I washed up and put on new clothes, then let the RV air out. It was pretty stuffy and smokey in here. Finally I ran the generator to cool down the fridge. While it was running I heated water and did dishes, and ran the purifier. That pretty much sums up my mother's day.
(The banana yellow truck is camped down near the start of the entrance road when my family drove in.)
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Ron called last evening. He told me that when they left the yellow truck was gone. It was a very quiet night. No one else was even here. I woke up a few times when it got cold, to run the generator. I slept on the couch again, fully dressed incase I had to deal with anything.
When Ron called he also said he stopped and talked to Sandy on his way home. Apparently the deputy lied to me. He didn't talk to those people. He just drove by. Great, he did exactly what I asked him to do. 😅 Why he'd lie about that I don't know. Sandy told Ron that the (sheriff) talked to her. It was really the deputy. She told Ron that she was very angry about having to talk to the deputy.
Why was Sandy so very angry over having to talk to a deputy? That makes no sense to me, but maybe its a phobia, like some people are afraid of clowns. Apparently (by her admission to Ron) she had called Greg (pitched a hissy) after I told her the deputy would be coming. Ron had a call from Greg. Greg was very upset with me that I called the sheriff. He felt I should have told Sandy about it first. But I did tell Sandy about it first! She just blew me off, laughed at me and said she wasn't going to go down there and tell those people to stop using their smellies (I can't remember the exact word she used). I agreed that she couldn't tell them to stop using chemicals (if they were meth heads, it could have got her hurt). If they weren't, just her grouchiness with me would have made them leave. She would have blamed that on me. I was offended by her insensitive and out of context remark but chose to ignore it to try to get along. I actually talked to her about the intense level of chemical, my experiences and even the three things I smelled, including the synthetic fruity note. I tried to communicate my concerns to her several times. Before I left I even tried to brainstorm with her, a safer spot at the campground. She veto'd all my ideas and when I said I'd just have to leave she pounced on it. When I wondered aloud that maybe I should just leave for every weekend, she said she thought that was a good idea. She sounded quite pleased.
I relayed all of this to Ron. I included my angst that she was more concerned with my upsetting the feelings of the other campers than she was about upsetting me, and I spend more money there. She's more concerned about their feelings than my health. She completely ignores my rights and doesn't accommodate my disability. She gets just as mad if I ask her to unplug me, or help me to get out safely. We only "get along" when I don't require her help in anyway. Anyway, when Ron told me all this I thought I should just stay here at Coalminer's and not go back. I have no desire to be a pain in anyones ass, or be where I am not wanted. Ron was upset because he worries that I'm not safe. I feel that I'm not safe if I'm somewhere that I have to go out to unplug and breakdown when there are toxins. I feel safer here because I can drive off without unplugging if there are toxins and I can legally attempt to defend myself from physical assaults. I can't legally defend myself from chemical assaults. I (finally) told Ron that I have long felt that Sandy thinks I'm just a maligner, a whiner and not really disabled. I told him about when she said as much the second time I stayed at Ansen-Wright. I haven't bothered to try to convince her for the same reason that I didn't try to educate that deputy. You can't coerce compassion anymore than you can educate a closed mind. I've just been sucking it up and doing what I had to to get along. Sometimes I think we're making progress, but Sandy has been getting more open with her discriminatory comments these last 2 years. Maybe because I haven't said anything about them and she thinks its o.k.. She behaves as though I'm a second class citizen and that I don't deserve any better.
Ron relayed that Greg did say I was still welcome to come. I thought that was an odd comment. But still, its Sandy (or Bill, who has the same attitude) that I have to deal with. They don't act welcoming. If I ask for anything they treat me like I'm a huge pain in their asses. I'm stuck though. If I just drive off, like I'd prefer, and try to boondock, its Ron that would be hurt. Its worrying him sick. I can't do that to him. I'm sick of being treated like a big pain to everyone. I'm devastated that there is no place safe for me on this planet. I feel so hated and shunned that I, just for a moment, think it might be easier for everyone else if I died. But then that makes me mad because I realize that I'm becoming brainwashed by their abuse/discrimination that I have no value! I'm just as valuable as they are! I'm not expendable and I have the right to my life and to be safe and breathe clean air. I guess I'm feeling beaten down. You hear it and get treated this way enough times, by enough people, its hard not to start accepting it. I don't tell Ron. It would only add to his stress. Anyway, for Ron's sake I'm returning to Cutsforth tomorrow. He has to file some papers in Heppner so he'll come up here and set me up. He's also going to talk to Greg again. He's emphasizing that this has been blown all out of proportion. I feel that it was Sandy who did that. At first I thought the deputy blew it out of proportion too, but it looks like he did exactly what I asked him to. Then he talked to Sandy. When he came up to see me, he was grumpy and annoyed, and had a similar attitude and made similar comments to what Sandy has. What did Sandy say to him?
One anomaly in Sandy's comments is that she told me that she was mad because she didn't want her other campers upset. That didn't happen. The deputy didn't talk to them. Then she told Ron that she was mad because she had to talk to the "sheriff." My FBI trainer's told me "Little lie, big lie" If someone lies about little things, they'll lie about big things too. They also said to look for inconsistencies, and changes in their story. It sounds like she was just looking for a justification to be mad at me. Maybe even a justification for getting me barred from the campground. I had no idea she still hated me like this! Or why would Greg say that I "was still welcome?" Somewhere in this mess is the implication that someone felt I was no longer, or should no longer be, welcome. I don't know where that originated. I'm guessing it was probably Sandy. I did tell Ron that the only way that he'd know what really transpired between the deputy and myself, and the deputy and Sandy was to view the tapes. I don't think they let regular people see those...
Monday, May 9, 2016
It was very cold last night and this morning. I had to run the generator for 2 hrs to warm it up enough to get out from under the blankets. I had to have 3 last night.
People watching to alleviate the boredom: Three trucks drove in and waited. They each had 2 people. One released 2 labs. A white forest service car drove in about 20-30 minutes later. Finally another white pick up drove in. I couldn't see it very well because it was behind all the other vehicles. All the men stood in the middle of the parking lot and held a conclave about (I assume) what they were going to be doing here this morning. The dog's ran loose. I'm watching to see if they are going to use any chemicals.
The group dispersed after 20 minutes and everyone went to their vehicles except the guy in the car. He got into the last to arrive truck. It also had a forest service emblem. I saw it when he pulled out to turn around.The trucks all left. I wonder what they're doing today?
The sun finally broke through. Great! Passive solar heat! Ron called early to see if I needed anything. He said he'd be up this afternoon. I told him how cold it was. He suggested I go down to Cutsforth and plug in. "Not without you." I said. I'm figuring Sandy will want to vent her spleen. I have no intention of just letting her rant all over me. If she comes to my spot and tries it, I'm going to video tape her. Abusers don't if there are witnesses. A video tape is a good witness.
Yesterday the campground only had two visitors. I'm sharing about my people watching because I have nothing else to write about. It can be pretty boring freezing your ass off, stuck in your own personal prison cell...
They came in together and parked at the trailhead. It was 5 adults and 4 kids. Three of the kids were in carriers. When they came back up they put all the kids in the cars and the youngest couple got out a .38 (judging by the sound) revolver, set up a silver beverage can on a stick and took turns firing at it. The camp is posted that its against the law to discharge firearms within the park. The young couple did have everybody else behind them but their bullets were traveling into the open forest. There was nothing behind their target to stop them. They didn't even hit the can more than twice. I hope they didn't hit any deer. I know the deer like to lay down in there during the day. I hear them jump up, stomp, and run a few steps away when I take Rosie out. Why is it that people think the law doesn't apply to them? Why is it that they just don't think? One of the older guys wasn't very happy about it. He said something and pointed to my rig. He was most likely telling them it was against the law and I was a witness. I took pictures incase an animal turned up dead or wounded.
The good things they did were that they were responsible enough to have everybody well behind them and they weren't shooting in the direction of any structures or me.
Its 50°F in here. It clouded up so there is no more passive solar heat. I'm going to have to run the generator again.
Its snowing. I got the inside temperature up to 57°F.
Ron arrived at Coalminer's around 4:30 p.m.. He followed me back up to my usual Cutsforth spot and helped me get set back up. We talked a bit. He cautioned me against having anything to do with Sandy at all. He let me know that the reason that Greg was so livid with me when he'd first called Ron is that "somebody" told him that I was trying to deliberately get those people to leave so that I could come back here earlier! Unbelievable!!! The thought of conniving to get what I wanted never even entered my mind! Its so far outside my nature that I can hardly conceive of anyone being that conniving. A person would have to be a coniver themselves to even come up with that kind of a plan to accuse someone else of being guilty of!!! I'm shocked that "somebody" would be so spiteful, deceitful and hateful that they would tell Greg that was why I did it. Wow!!! And here I was thinking that we were making progress and I was worrying about everyone here's safety! I feel like such a fool! I feel so hated, shunned and alone. I'm heart broken. Why do the hateful "somebodies" always win in this life? I know that on judgement day when the Lamb's Books are opened, and everyone is known for everything that they have done, then I will be vindicated. But, it is so hard to be so misunderstood right now.
Ron says I just have to let it go... He says I just have to stop being me, the part that's concerned about others. That is an integral part of me. Another part of "me" taken away by this disability. There is hardly any more of "me" left. I am closer to depression than I have ever felt in my life.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
I went to bed and wept for hours. I would not, could not be so deceitful or manipulative. It breaks my heart that anyone would even believe that about me. How quick we are to believe bad things about another person! I'm reminded of the many times I've done the same thing. 😞 The Bible says we should not rush to judgement or..? I couldn't remember what came next. I went looking for that scripture and came upon Proverbs 15:4b "a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit." That is exactly how I feel! Then I found Psalm 38. It so puts words to my grief! Here are a few of the verses, though the whole Psalm applies.
38:6 "I am bowed down and brought very low. All day long I go about mourning. 7 My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body. 8 I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. 9 all my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. 10 My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. 11 My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbors stay far away. 12 Those who seek my life set their traps, those who would harm me talk of my ruin; all day long they plot deception. 13 I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear, like a mute, who cannot open his mouth; 14 I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply. 15 I wait for you O Lord; you will answer, O Lord my God."
"19 Many are those who are my rigorous enemies; those that hate me without reason are numerous. 20 Those who repay my good with evil slander me when I pursue what is good. 21 O Lord, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. 22 Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior."
I was comforted. Seeing that Sandy told me she despised people who were sick and their whole life was consumed with their illness, I realized when reading this that she would have despised King David too. I'm in good company.
I would have thought that Greg would have remembered that I'm a literal person and follow the law both in the letter and intent from our previous dealings. "Somebody" must have been very convincing. Ron said he was able to calm him down. Maybe he reminded him of our past interactions. I know Ron assured him that I never would have called the sheriff to manipulate those people into leaving for my own benefit. Thank God that Greg knows Ron well enough to believe him. I feel like I am being erased and control over my life is being taken away from me. I have been forced into becoming a recluse and now nobody knows me anymore. I'm forced to interact with people who have told me they despise me and treat me like a second class citizen. I don't get to interact with hardly any other people, anymore. I'm vanishing. I barely exist in the real world.
But back to the slander: I readily admit to HOPING those people left early. Before I was convinced that the horrid chemical might be dangerous to normal people I was hoping the gloomy weather would make them leave early. But that is not even close to deliberately SCHEMING to MAKE them leave! Calling the cops to get them to leave would be illegal. I do not do illegal, let alone unrighteous things. I would never betray another person's trust! I've been betrayed by a few friends since I became disabled. I know what it feels like.
No, hoping something happens that would result in a favorable outcome for yourself is totally different than conniving to make it happen. Everyone hopes things turn out in their favor. Like hoping for a parking spot close to their destination. And they are glad when someone's tail lights come on, signaling that they are backing out of the space right there near the door, right in front of them, so that no one else has first shot at the space. But they, and I, certainly wouldn't call the cops and report a "suspicious vehicle" just to get it impounded and hauled away so we'd get a parking spot. That is the equivalent to what "somebody" alleged about me. I'm not like that.
And how can I not hope that the physical torture would end as quickly as possible?!
The other thing that is bugging me, I suspect "somebody" undoubtedly said the same, or similar things to the deputy. It would make sense then why he treated me like that. I wish I could see the video of his other interview(s). If that "somebody" did, they would have been maligning and slandering me and giving false information; that should be corrected. Even if some effort is made to repair that, that deputy will always look at me with prejudice now. The damage cannot be undone.
This morning Ron told me, when he called, about how a friend's mom was moved to an independent living facility. He said it was because she wasn't able to take care of herself and it was in her best interest. He went on to mention how she didn't like it at first but now she's happy. It chilled me. This past weekend Ron had mentioned he didn't want me boon-docking because he said I "couldn't take care of myself properly without electricity." I couldn't help but think about someone thinking that I should be put in a facility?! It would kill me. Institutions are too toxic. I'm quite able to take care of myself if people would stop poisoning me! I need a safe place! I could even take care of myself better boon-docking if if my broken refrigerator was actually replaced! It makes it hard to get to your food if toxic people are outside and your food is in the rear basement bin. It is after all a public campground.
One of the visitors I didn't share with you before was a van load of assisted living residents. The van roared in like they were on their way to a fire. They ripped across the parking lot and slammed on the brakes near a picnic table. The doors were flung open and all kinds of people tumbled out. Well, except for the one old woman who had to wait for the steps to be put out and get assistance descending. Two people remained in the van with the doors flung wide. Everyone who piled out made their way as rapidly as they were able to the picnic table where they began lighting up and puffing away on cigarettes like they were drawing in life giving sustenance. They sat out there in the freezing wind and snow dragging away on their cigs for as long as they could stand the cold. Once the van was aired out from the smoker's breath the remaining two occupants closed the doors.The smokers were more stalwart in there pursuit of nicotine than I could have been in pursuit of chocolate, to endured those conditions. The first one climbed back into the van after 20 minutes. He didn't have a coat. I think the last one gave in after 30. She was wearing a jeans skirt slit up the center almost to the point of indecency, and a sweater. That is a dedicated smoker! Nope, I definitely couldn't survive in that environment.
It is a horrible feeling to think about someone trying to take over your life, and make decisions "in your best interest," that really aren't what you want, and wouldn't actually be in your real best interest. They'd be more mainstream than I could survive, though probably a relief to the person making them, but those kinds of well intentioned, albeit misguided, decisions would be lethal for me. It really unsettled me.
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Life continues to rush on leaving me behind like driftwood above the high water mark. I've been in exile for 82 days this year already. My life, such as it is, rockets and plummets between catastrophe and boredom. Imagine, I used to complain about the dullness of the drudgeries of normal life: shopping, errands, chores. Now, that seems like a wonderful life to me. We never value what we have until its gone. I think its time to count my blessings.
I am alive.
From 2004 to 2010 I was on a rapid, uncontrolled skid into the abyss. I was fighting and clawing to arrest it, but I wasn't having much success. It got to the point somewhere in there (I can't remember when due to the brain damage) that I was nearly a vegetable, and barely moved. I can remember some events of lying in my bed, with someone standing over me. They were saying unkind things, and talking about taking me to a medical institution. I couldn't respond outwardly, though I raged inside. I did manage to claw my way upward to where I could form sentences again. I managed to regain some function, but there were many many days where it was all
I could do to make it down stairs and sit. For the entire day. Even then, I was dying. Every bodily system was in critical condition.
My body and brain are functioning again.
It took a lot of stubborn, dogged work, and several temper tantrums to get what I needed, to achieve the return of as much health as I have.
I have Rosie.
When I first got her, I couldn't bend over (lymphadenopathy). I couldn't lift things, and was extremely weak. Some days I couldn't remove my own clothing. Then when I could go out, there were the verbal and physical assaults I'd get in the stores, and the smelly people crowding me in check out lines. Rosie helped with all those things. She provided a safe bubble of space for me. Now, she is also my companion in my current isolated life and functions as my PTSD service animal. I'm tremendously blessed to have her. Most people with this disability don't get service dogs unless they are mobility impaired. The agencies don't train dogs for the chemically sensitive, and the demand for service animals is so high that more recognized disabilities take precedence.
The doctors all told me that "Avoidance" of triggers was the only known treatment. Thats almost impossible in this society. Rosie was the beginning of my being able to carve out enough space for myself, to avoid other people's chemicals.
I have my Escape Pod, or MMIU (Mobile Medical Isolation Unit)
It became apparent that I needed to leave when my neighbors applied ag chemicals. There is no safe place to go. Motels, family and friend's homes, all toxic. I got this idea in my head from reading about the MCS suffers in places like Snowflake AZ. They have a not very successful community down there. The sufferers camp out under corrugated metal sheets, lying on the ground, or in cobbled together sheds from old, clean boards. The lucky ones have stripped down to nothing airstream trailers. When it gets hot, they lay under them. The interior components of RVs are extremely toxic. Then there was Dr. Pamela Reed-Gibson's report on "Understanding and Accommodating People with MCS" that she wrote for the Independent Living branch of Health and Human Services. It mentions a survey about living conditions for our class of disabled. It asks how many had lived in trailers for all or part of a year. There was a substantial number who had. From my interviews with other Toxically Injured people (TIs) when I volunteered for a support organization, I knew a few had friends and family members that helped them remodel trailers or RVs with safe/safer products. . I decided I wanted to do that. It met with A LOT of resistance from my husband. This was one of my temper tantrums. It was a pitched battle. The debate raged fiercely for months. The bottom line on my husband's part was that he didn't believe that: it could be done, that it would help, that it was a judicious use of money (you hemmorragh money with this condition, its not covered by insurance), that I would be able to do it. He was so overwhelmed at the time that he didn't want another project that would fall to him to do. He also thought I was going to die, and practical soul that he is, he didn't want to waste the money. I'm also a practical soul, so that doesn't offend me like some of you might think. I've circled the drain far too many times to deny that that was a possibility. But, I convinced him in the end. I did most of the work. I would of done more but I had to ask his help to carpet the cab because of the doghouse cover (its a large access cover for the engine in the cab) and he got so excited about the next step, the hardwood flooring, that he just took over that part and did it. I admit, I let him. He's more meticulous about fitting odd corners than I am. I had to fight him that first year on where I was going. He didn't want me to go too far away, which proved disastrous to me on occasion, but over all the "Avoidance" of the pesticides made a dramatic improvement. It proved to him the value of the investment. He's not a big 'leap of faith' kind of guy. So I'm very grateful that I have one of the most comfortable MMIUs out there. Its saved my life many, many times.
I still (so far) have safer places I can run to.
The Morrow County Parks Department has been the most compassionate and wonderful group of people I've ever encountered. Yes, I've had a problem or two with a couple of people, but even those problems have been comparatively minor examples of discrimination in my world. I say "so far" because I'm expecting the other shoe to drop at some point. I don't believe that this will be the end of it with my current antagonist, and another messy, orchestrated hoo-ha will have the effect of making me seem like too big of a problem to deal with. I will end up being "persona non grata." One of the very noble things about the Parks Director is that he supports his
people. Thats rare in a boss these days. Most just throw their people under the bus. It makes it more difficult for the person who isn't an employee if you are having a problem with one of his people. I, having Aspergers, would rather flee than get into a messy, emotionally painful brawl, even if I'm in the right. Its why I would have preferred to continue to dry camp, freezing my ass off and going without food and safety than come back to my current location where the host is hostile and trying to get rid of me...
Which brings us to Ron. I am blessed to still be married. Most spouses of TIs bale. The divorce rate for this segment of the disabled is 98%. He's no saint, not by any stretch of the imagination. He has been extremely resistant to the alternative treatments that I've wanted to try. He's also an Aspie (has Asperger's) and like many Asperger males is very conservative in his thinking. He is extremely uncomfortable with change or anything that is unproven. It makes him an excellent scientist, but throwing him into the uncharted medical waters of Toxic Injury treatment is his worst nightmare. You should see his eyes bug out whenever I mention new things that I want to try. On most of them, he has drug his feet, and DRUG his feet, and DDRRUUUUGGGGG his feet! BUT he is a fighter for righteousness. He is just as dogged in his pursuit of righteousness as he is stubborn in his resistance to the unproven. And despite the extreme difficulties for Aspie males to express their emotions, he does care and is tremendously loyal. He is currently standing up for me and making sure that my side is heard. He wants me here because he thinks its safer. And, though its going to take most of our retirement savings he's on board with finding me a safe piece of property. Its taken a lot of hard, hard years but our marriage is better now than it ever was before. I could not do without him.
It is the actual Mother's day.
I have two wonderful children, my two children in law, and four lovely grandchildren. I rave about them enough you've probably read plenty on that. Suffice it to say, they are my treasures.
God is with me, whom shall I fear.
He has sustained me all this long journey through the dark valley. He has blessed me with a body that bounces back from incredibly horrible injuries that would take far longer for most "normally healthy" individuals. Most people that get lymphadenopathy and lymphodena to the degree that I've had it die. Most people that get kidney damage like I have don't survive one round. I have had such thick, oxygen deprived, sludgy blood that I should not have been walking around or still alive then either. Thats what my doctor says anyway. My doctor has said that I'm only alive because I'm so incredibly stubborn. That is a part of it. I'm alive because my Redeemer lives and He sustains me. His Word tells us that "Those whose hope is in the Lord shall renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They shall run and not grow weary. They shall walk and not grow faint." Isaiah 40:31
I am no perfect Christian by any means. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. He asks me to believe, to come to know Him and to pursue Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. That I can do.
Rosie and I were sitting here with the window open, enjoying the fresh air when we heard engine noises and heard voices. We didn't smell anything, so we went out and looked over the hill. There was a trailer setting up. We still didn't smell anything so we watched for awhile to see which spot they picked. We came back in and shortly noticed a second trailer. We didn't smell anything with them either. I think they set up closer. I just watched to see if they came clear up the hill. They didn't. We are continuing to enjoy the fresh air. Though I have to admit that my stomach sucked into a painful knot and my mouth started salivating heavily and I felt like I was going to hurl, but I think that was just a PTSD response. This last week has been pretty traumatic.
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Boy have I got conjunctivitis (goobie eyes)! And my pee is brown again. Don't know why. It could just be more detox. Some chemicals take months to get out of your system. Some take years.
I didn't hear from Ron until late last night. I was getting worried. He's been shearing my sheep, a few a night, since I'm not there. We hated it last year that they had to wear their wool until June. The problem lies in the fact that Ron really isn't an animal person. He expects them to behave even though he's rushing through the job as fast as possible and they're scared. The ones I haven't handled get freaked. He apparently went a few rounds with a couple yesterday evening. He said he has a black eye and a fat lip. He got kicked. He sounded exhausted. He also said my clippers got kicked and they broke in half. I appreciate that he is trying to help, but I'm groaning inside.
I got nothing else. Not even any philosophical or redundant thoughts.
The two campers left before noon. The person who owns the closest cabin to me just arrived.
Earlier I called my youngest sister. She holds a psych degree. She's the one that rode across country on her horse and inspired me to write this blog. Currently she is driving Tri-met bus. It didn't occur to me that she might know what meth smelled like but apparently she transports a lot of meth-heads. I called her because I needed to talk to someone about my looming depression issues. I've found I don't get much support from normal therapists and counselors. I got as far in my story as opening the door, my reactions and the chemicals I smelled. She interrupted me and exclaimed, "That right there is meth! You should have immediately called the police!" I feel better. Its nice to have someone validate you and not think you're making it up, or crazy. 🙂 It was also a relief to have someone think I did the right thing.
There was another guest that arrived. They were just the tiniest bit smelly, but I stayed in most of the time and it was fine.
Friday, May 13, 2016
I spent the morning reading my journals to make sure I was not misrepresenting Sandy, and that I was accurately remembering past events. There were a lot of things I'd forgotten. Basically, Sandy and I got along as long as we talked about her and I didn't need any assistance. Needing help or assistance consistently made her grumpy or angry. She was trying to encourage me to leave when other toxic people came here last year and vetoing my suggestions for other accommodation ideas like staying somewhere in the day use area. I guess I just didn't see the pattern. I didn't want to. I was hoping we could work through her prejudices, and that maybe as she got to know me she might change her mind. It looks like I underestimated the depth of them. ☹️
I'm still having trouble with injuries from that nasty chemical. I think that just like the chemical burn on my torso was weeping toxins and decomposing, I think the burn in my throat is too. The burning is lower now. It feels raw where it was first burned. My LES has been blocked up for several days. I don't know what that's about. I've even had trouble getting in water and coffee this morning. Every time I go outside, even though I don't smell very much, when I come back in those injuries hurt a lot. This last trip out of the evening, when I took out Rosie, was the worst yet. Not life threatening, and not scary, but plenty painful. It eased up after an hour or so. I'm breaking out on my scalp, my skin on my fingers and forearms burns. My ear canals are itching and peeling. The lymphs in that area are swollen. My eyes feel gritty and burned. My teeth and jaws ache. I only have to make it through tomorrow and half of Sunday. I'll try to stay in as much as possible. Ron called and said to expect rain. That will help. It will wash some chemicals out of the air.
Saturday, May 14, 2016
I've been up since 3:30 a.m. due to pain. Part of its bloat. I had Brussel sprouts. I managed to get them in but my LES is locked up so tight that I can't belch. The gas is trapped. My stomach is distended and painful. There is also a terrible burning pain. I think the is a open sore at or on
the LES now. It burns something terrible. The pain caused a cascade of other problems.
I made myself go out and get glutathione. I didn't know if it would even help, but it was worth a try. My blood was very dark brown, like Hershey's syrup. Not a good sign.
It did help! I was desperate; I was surprised it worked. When I was drawing the glute from the vial I spilled some. I didn't want to waste it so I wiped it up with my hands and smeared it on me. That took the edge off. After the shot the pain slowly, steadily receded. I curled up on the couch. Eventually I fell asleep. I dreamt tormented dreams of everyone thinking I was a weirdo. The burning pain returned and woke me up just now. I put some half-n-half on it. I had brought it in when I grabbed the glutathione. That helped. I thought it should have helped more, but then I regurged and the cream was mixed with a lot of water. I guess all that sparkling water and C water didn't get past my LES either.
My main charcoal air purifier stopped working last night. It didn't stop running. It stopped purifying. The charcoal was full. I smelled that smell that it gets, kind of a cross between baking cookies and formaldehyde. I shut it down and moved it into the cabover, away from my bed. I didn't want it to release any of its load right next to me. Now that I'm thinking more clearly I began to wonder if the symptoms I was getting last night weren't from those other campers. After all, I wasn't smelling that much outside. Maybe the filter was starting to kick out crap. This filter has been through some toxic episodes. There was the tire clawing through the floor and ripping the gas feed tube, spilling gas through the holes into the RV. There was the refrigerator leaking ammonia coolant. Then there was the meth. Maybe it was releasing a whole lot more than I thought. I was planning on changing it when I got home after the refrigerator breakdown, which would have been a month ago... I took it outside and put it in the basement bin. I lit a beeswax candle to help burn off the VOCs. I can't risk opening vents here. All this supposing doesn't mean it WILL BE safe. I can just hope that removing it will help. If I start feeling much better, I can recheck the outside air. Juggling my life is unbelievably hard. There is so much pain, so many unknowns! All those people who think I'm a pain have no idea what real pain is!
I think I am feeling better. In a little while I might feel good enough to clean up the mess I made while trying to stop the pain. My RV's blitzed.
My tummies distended like a 6 month pregnancy above the waist. That usually is an indication of a swollen liver. After the glute shot my liver should be OK. Maybe its just more bloat? So tired of health problems!
A thunder storm is approaching. I continued to have problems so I washed both Rosie and myself. I sealed up my clothes and the seat covers and put on clean ones. I kept an eye on the wind and opened the vents when it was favorable. I washed and dried the a/c filter and ran it. I'm running every thing else that I have that has a filter. I'm doing better. Rosie and I even played "Find Birdie." I have Rosie hide her eyes while I hide her toy birdie. Then she has to find her. She gets a cookie when she does. She loves the game. I even hide Birdie in some difficult places.
The heavy dark clouds of the storm pushed in like a barge, nudging under the higher white clouds. Long rolling billows of thunder crashed like waves, one after another. I never really saw any lightning. The cloud ceiling lowered by a hundred feet, dark and black. It was as dark as though the sun had set. It had mostly passed over us, heading to the SW, in 15 minutes. As I type, its diminished to distant peels, though the dark clouds threatening rain were left behind.
At 2:50 it turned back on itself, heading our way again. With this pass it released torrential rain and hail. Lightening popped with the dizzying rapidity of photographers snapping shots at a red carpet event. One thick, wicked looking bolt snapped in branched splendor into the bottom of the canyon right out my window. It must have struck along one side of the highway or the other that fronts the park. I moved Rosie away from the window. She likes to watch the storm with her nose pressed against the aluminum window frame. As the storm moved off to the north the hail turned to a steady rain. The lightening spaced out, fewer air pops, more bolts. Though they were thin and spidery. At 3:06 p.m. The storm turned back southward again. The wind had been switchy all day. It seemed as though the storm too was being pushed back and forth by the same changing winds. It lingered along the mountain ridge above the park. A few steps forward, a few steps back. The lightning for the most part played out, leaving only the gentle rain. Just when I'd think the storm was finished with us, the thunder would come charging back, making threats like a bull pawing up sand and shaking his head, flinging slobber. Then, satisfied it had intimidated this little dale, it would turn and grumble northward again. At 4:30 p.m. it had settled down to only an occasional reminder that it was still around. The spot down below, where the lightning struck, sent up billows of steam in the pouring rain. By 5:30, it too seemed to be finished.
Sunday, May 15, 2016
I slept without pain. Its the first time since the meth chemical burn. That feels so wonderful! I did wake up around 2:00. I don't know if had just become a habit, or it was the sound of the rain that woke me. Eventually I drifted back to sleep.
I don't count minor pain like my burnt throat. Anymore, I can sleep through that level of pain. I wasn't even aware of it until I got up this morning. I meant big, excruciating pain.
I'd got my urine dilute enough yesterday that it wasn't brown, like Jack Daniel's. But this morning, its dark again. I'm going to have to make sure I push liquids. Brown urine is a sign of kidney damage.
Rosie and I peeked over the hill when we went out this morning. There were still three campers. The one that was closest to me either
moved or left and was replaced. That camper was in a different spot. It was more in the trees. Maybe that guy felt exposed in the storm, or got too hot in the sun. For what ever reason, it should be less smelly. I think the camper that was closest to the lightning strike might have been tent camping! That would certainly have been scary! They'll definitely have a story to tell their friends. It is likely that at least a couple of them could go home today.
It is still gloomy and rainy this morning. In western Oregon, where I grew up, this would be typical camping weather. It never kept us inside. On this side of the state, people tend to just stay in their campers when the sky turns grey. When I was staying at Ansen-Wright earlier this year Greg remarked on one bright sunny day that now I'd be able to get outside a bit. His comment surprised me. I'd been going outside all winter, even when the weather was foul. In western Oregon if you stayed inside when the weather was bad, you'd almost never get out! I use to tell people, "We only get 5 sunny days a year. Don't waste them!"
I talked to Ron last night. He'd been at the duplex. He'd mowed and replaced shelf liner. He also met with a realtor. He's bringing home comps.
Monday, May 16, 2016
Another day of incarceration ahead of me. The grey, drizzling air was slightly stinky when I went out to potty Rosie. Perhaps someone is warming up there engine for departure. If that was it, I could hope for cleaner air later. The steady rain is coming down in minuscule, unrelenting droplets, as thick as UHF snow. Do young people these days even know about UHF? Not even the thought of coffee is lifting my spirits. We are now at 87 days solitary confinement. Isn't that against the Geneva Convention?
Ron didn't pick up that sealer that he said he was going to get. I kinda figured that. Its clear across Portland, he'd be tired by the time he got to that chore. He told me last night that he was just going to order it online. Its o.k., we decided, after the meth exposure it wouldn't be a good idea to change it with me in here, anyway. We're hoping I'll get to be home for Memorial weekend. We'll try to do it then.
I'm still struggling with the damage from the meth exposure. I know the deputy said it wasn't meth, but I may have waited too long to call them. They may have finished batching it. I'm still convinced it was. Anyway, my eyes and throat are still burnt. My voice is damaged. It sounds like I have laryngitis. I'm coughing up mucus from my lungs and throat. One good thing that I've noticed so far is that I haven't had water from my lungs or sinuses since that exposure. Which could be because the meth was acidic and the exposure that gave me the water symptoms was extremely alkaline. It could have counteracted it. Another thing to consider is the dextramethoraphan in cough syrup (an ingredient in meth) is a decongestant and antihistamine. We'll just have to keep an eye on that and see if it actually holds true.
It looks like the campers closest to the lightening strike have left.
The other campers left around 10:00 a.m. A camper that I wasn't even aware of left after that. I've been airing out my coach. I'm getting ready for a shower and to fill water. Ron is planning to come up after work this evening with supplies. The sun has come out a little bit this afternoon. I'm still anxious and depressed as the issues over my calling the sheriff are unresolved.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Another day dawns that has been stolen from me. I hang in limbo, waiting. Waiting for pesticides to clear. Waiting to get back to my life. Waiting for my sentence to be over. I've tried. I've tried so very hard to be cheerful, to be productive, to go forward. I'll still keep trying. I can't help but try. Its my nature. But, this is a slogging time. A drudgery. I time when all the joy and wonder has been sucked out of my life. A time when I feel like I want to throw myself down on the ground and wail and sob out my exhaustion like a child. I won't. I'd be too tired to get back up. Plus, there's yuckies on the ground, and its graveled. Ouch. No, I'm just going to indulge myself in this literary rolling around in the morass of self pity, in the "privacy" of my journal, where Rosie can't see it, before I suck it up and go on pretending everything's fine. Rosie depends on me to keep her world safe, normal, o.k. She needs pets, grooming, playing, food and water. She needs her ears cleaned and her toenails trimmed. Both of which she hates, but she still needs them, because that means her life is normal. That everything is O.K.. Ron needs me to go forward. To be "O.K." here, so he can keep slogging along carrying a double load back home. One part of me recognized that the sunrise this morning was technically beautiful but I just couldn't feel it. I've lost that sense of appreciation which I've tried so desperately to hang on to, to get me through. I will get through this. I will! But I've lost my joy. I need some joy. How about a cute days old fawn, with bright fresh spots, trailing along behind its mommy through my camp sight? How about some adorable baby bunnies? My grandkids would do it, but they're 2.5 to 5.5 hrs away, thats not going to happen. I'm trying to be realistic here...
I went out and pulled weeds. It's been so rainy, and so much trauma has happened that I hadn't sprayed them with the vinegar spray. The mulleins pulled easily from the moist soil. Its not warm enough to spray the grasses. I wore myself out, but I did get outside in the fresh air. Rosie was quite interested in something in the trees. As we moved around I heard a large animal tromping away. I'm thinking it was a deer.
The cabin nearest me's owners didn't leave! More people showed up. They unloaded an ATV of some kind and puttered back and forth out of sight, behind the trees. Instantly my stress level went through the roof! Are they spraying? Other cabin owners have sprayed up here. These guys are about 200' away, if that. I spent the whole 40 minutes telling myself that they could be doing something benign (other than the exhaust fumes) and there was no reason to panic. My chest and my brain weren't listening. I told myself that the wind was blowing too much for spraying. The problem with that is that it hasn't stopped other people in the past. I had shut down all my vents and windows when I first heard their vehicle coming. I shut down my purifier so I could try to hear where they were so I could figure out what they were doing. After 40 anxious minutes I spotted them. They were just driving around in their woods. I wanted to vomit and bawl with relief. PTSD is a bitch. I turned my purifier back on. I'm having to leave the windows shut as they periodically drive to the bottom of their road. It passes within a few feet laterally of the back of my RV, though its screened by trees and is several feet down at the bottom of a steep hill. After several minutes they start it up again and drive back up to their cabin. I'm telling myself that they are gathering firewood or trimming limbs from their drive.. I haven't decided what I'm going to do about later, when we have to go out for Rosie or food...
My PTSD reaction really took it out of me. I just couldn't deal with even the thought of another exposure. I read Foxe's Book of Martyrs. That gives one perspective! I'm up to the tenth century. When I read what they endured, it makes my suffering seem rather pathetic. I still haven't checked the outside air yet. I'm not anxious for another chemical beating, even if that makes me a wheeny compared to the early Christian martyrs.
I finally checked the outside air around 7:20 p.m. Yesterday evening. It didn't smell like anything, just flat. When we went out and moved away from the RV there was a bit of a funky smell. I got a headache before Rosie had even finished her business. On our way back I picked up a hint of Raid. The headache continued all night. It was joined by chills and suffusing body pain. Mostly my back. Its still covered in sores from the meth exposure. The air was still funky this morning. O' yay (sarcasm font).
I brought extra food in to keep in the soft sided cooler that I use for loading. I washed up when I got in. I washed last night, too. It didn't prevent the headache and pain. I'm hoping it at least lessens the suffering. Still, my headache is getting worse. I'm so tired of suffering. I dread it. I tried a little cookie dough with my morning coffee. Its not going over very well. You know what? I'm fed up with rebellious body parts too! I'd sure like to be able to tell them to "Snap to!!" And to be able to kick there little body part butts if they didn't. Regretfully, I can't. They don't. Have little body part butts to kick I mean. Well, they don't 'snap to' either, or take direction at all. No, I'm not going around the bend. I'm just alleviating boredom and frustration with fanciful thoughts. Can't you just imagine me walking behind a line of my recalcitrant body parts like a drill sergeant? I'd lean in behind the stomach and bawl, in the general location of where an ear might be, "Loosen up that LES! Suck up that gut motility! You are a blot on this whole outfit! Have some company pride soldier!" Then I'd move on down the line to the slouchy, bloated liver...
I was exuding stuff through my skin. It left me feeling stinky, gummy and sticky. I decided to gamble on Ron being able to get here tomorrow, as planned, to refill the water. I took a shower to remove the nasty film. I'm still extruding shards. They cut and scratch, but at least I'm not covered in a thick, cloying, toxic paste. I'm running all the units with filters, including the dehumidifier and the air purifiers. The air is already stale. I saw some cans of oxygen on Amazon. I thought about getting some but I was concerned about the propellant and couldn't get the info on that. I talked to Sandra, Dr.Smith's RN, about oxygen regenerators, and she relayed that Dr. Smith would issue a Rx, if I found one I thought would work. They know me well. I research every aspect so I don't waste money. I hadn't found one by the time the first Bug Out of the year occurred. I'm sure wishing I had something now. ☹️
I sniffed outside. Rosie had barked earlier, twice. I believe it indicated activity at the cabin. So I checked just now. It smelled cleaner but my eyes and ears hurt. My face burns a little now.
About 12:30p.m. When the sun is behind the tall fir tree
behind us, I shut all the filters down, to check the air outside again. Thats when I realized they were running heavy equipment next door at the cabin. They're working real hard sprucing the place up. Exciting for them. Troublesome for me. I've been keeping tabs on them all afternoon. The dirty oil smell is actually permeating into my RV (there's still a few cracks from the tire incident we haven't located yet, to plug up). I weighed the probabilities. I think they will mostly be working for several days. I saw the flatbed and trailer leave. It was empty. They left the equipment. I'm guessing they ate getting ready for a big Memorial Weekend event.
Anyway, I decided to break camp and move early tomorrow morning. Since there isn't phone service at Ansen-Wright, and my husband has to go to Baker County, I think I'll head to a campground up there. I feel better. Taking control of my life back offsets the pain of the symptoms. I like not feeling so helpless. Ron asked me if I wanted to go up to the camp in Baker County the weekend the wahooey hit the fan, but I knew I was too sick to drive. That meant that my choices were limited to the dry camp, or here, at Cutsforth, under the hard eyes of my accuser. I've recovered enough now, so I'm take my life back! I have to wait until early morning to break camp. I'll aim for 6:00 a.m. so I get out before they start running equipment.