Saturday, November 18, 2017

Emotional Pain

Saturday, November 18, 2017

I haven't written much this week. Aside from the fact that I'm still cleaning wool from pillows and mattress pillows, fluffing and restuffing, doing laundry etc. not much else is going on.
Clumped wool from one pillow on the bottom, fluffed wool from one pillow on the top. I have 6 mattress pillow, 2 pillows from my RV bed and 3 from my bed in the house. It takes a lot of time.

Then there's the emotional pain I'm struggling with... I was so looking forward to getting to spend more time with my daughter, her husband and my grandkids. Only she took her 2 month old to the pediatrician on Monday and she got vaccinated. Vaccines shed viruses and toxic adjuvants for 3 weeks! Three more weeks of not getting to see them. 😰😭😭😭😭 It hurt so bad I had physical pain.  Of course this means I don't get to see them on Thanksgiving either.

My daughter is conscientious. She wants to do what's right for her kids. She also is a scientist. Its hard for her to believe her mother (who does not have a science degree) over a pediatrician (who does). I've tried to give her the articles via facebook posts about other pediatricians and scientists that have come out and testified to the harm they've seen from vaccinations, but I think she "unfollowed" me. I have to respect her right to raise her kids the way she feels is right, even though I disagree. Breaks my heart.πŸ’” 

So l haven't journaled this week. 

It was Ron's birthday week. I did get up at 4:30 a.m. to make him a french toast breakfast on his birthday, and made him turkey pot pie and cherry pie for dinner. Cherry pie is his favorite. Its been a long time since I made a wheat flour crust! Organic, of course. One thing I noticed, he definitely appreciated the home cooked meals! He didn't used to.

I continue to get toxed when I try to go outside. So hate the poisons here. I am enjoying the showers and clean laundry though! I am frustrated by all the things outside that I see that need done, that I could take care of if it weren't for the cursed toxins. Sigh!

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Back to the Farm

Sunday, November 5, 2017

6:31 p.m.
The weather report for today said "1" of snow." It snowed all day on Grandma Mountain. I think we had 8" by the afternoon. 

Ron was getting anxious. He didn't want to leave me on the mountain, incase I got snowed in. 

He gathered the trees he'd cut last weekend and

 loaded up all my benches and tools. He was trying to be respectful of my autonomy, so he wasn't pressuring me to leave as well. When I told him I thought it would be best if I tried to get up the mudhole hill and go down to Hot Lake until the pass cleared, he was relieved. 

As it was, those extra rocks I threw in the mudhole this week did help. I got out pretty easy, other than slipping around going through the gate and breaking a brake light lens on the gate post. πŸ˜’ Once we got to the bottom of the road it was pretty easy driving. I went to Hot Lake, he went home over Meacham.

Ron said the pass was nasty. Icy and slick. He slowed way down and took extra care. People went flying past him, then spun out of control. He was pretty tense by the time he got off Cabbage Hill. He was also tired and sore. He told me he was headed for a hot shower.

Rosie and I are enjoying full time heat, here at Hot Lake. And light! Nice. I'm running the dehumidifier too. It got pretty moist in here the last few days. I'm looking forward to not having to get up in the middle of the night and run the generator! Or worry about Rosie having managed to get out of her blankie. Yeah, she figured that one out. Then she'd get cold and look at me like it was my fault for not keeping it warm in here. πŸ™„ I might even get a full nights sleep! Oh, the luxury!


Wednesday, November 8, 2017

6:51 a.m.
We drove home yesterday. The pass wasn't bad. A little snowy, a little damp, very high winds. The winds were pushing me around a bit. I just took it slow. There was a semi mangled in the median. (I learned later that it had been carrying an extremely toxic chemical. One of the hazmat team on site was an old friend, who Ron ran into at the store.)

When we got here, I took a deep calming breath before leaving the RV. The very real possibility of getting hurt makes me anxious. Both the outside air and the house seemed o.k.. I started in on decommissioning, laundry first, then groceries. I'm not done yet. I still have plenty of both left to do. 

I saw the first of the evil neighbors flying up the road on their way home from work. They slammed on the breaks when they saw my RV. Then they sped past. Later, on one of my trips out to get more stuff, I smelled Mr. Evil's cigarette smoke. Close by. Rosie indicated where he was. I called her off. I wasn't going to let him tox me with cigarette smoke. I think its time to check out those game cameras.


Friday, November 10, 2017

7:13 a.m.
Many of you, from previous years know what happens when I get home, "Fall Cleaning." Ron did an exceptional job this year before I got here. He even mopped the floors. So I'm not complaining. But, He doesn't clean to the same standard, and he doesn't organize/put away. So besides laundry, and decommissioning, I'm deep cleaning and reorganizing the house. Not much of interest to tell. 

During my rest breaks I'm reordering and restocking supplies, and continuing to knit Ari's sleeper.

I can feel my symptoms slowly rising. Teeth hurt. Eyes burn. Chest hurts. Its not dramatic, but its there. This morning my feet and ankles are burning. Thats an OP symptom. I'm wondering if Mr. Evil did his "bug bomb in his shed next to the fence thing." "When you hear hoof beats, think horses, not zebras."

By the way, I did finish slatting the section of the fence from the gate to the southwest corner before I left. Behold, "The Mikey Fence!" 

So named because every time I mentioned fence problems and trespassers Mike P would send me gifs of armed security guards in front of a palisade. It was the pointy sticks on the palisade, plus the sagging loose wires on my fence, that sparked the idea. The sticks tighten up the wires, like battens do in a weaving warp, making it more difficult for the trespassers to get through. It became evident that I needed to put in more per section and wire them in when I found that some trespasser was just shoving them aside. So the number in each section was determined by how much slack I needed to take out of the wire, not by pattern or "asthetics." It will slow them down, at least. I'll end up replacing the fence, a section at a time, but this at least will cut down on the volume of trespassers. I'll also be adding two more strands of barbed wire. I need to keep in sheep and dogs. This is the location where the mushroom pickers were coming through and the place where my fortifying efforts began. 

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Winding Down My First Season On Grandma Mountain

Sunday, October 29, 2017

4:39 p.m.

Ron brought Joey up today. He ended up having to take Justin home a day early. They took Ryan to the airport last night. So he drove all the way home, dropped off Justin and picked up Joey. Then they drove back for the dump and fill. Joey spent most of his time playing in my RV with the Yoshi's. Ron tweaked up his chain saw and cut some firewood. He's planning on finishing next weekend. I fed Joey chocolate and graham crackers, then cocoa. Heh, heh. He wasn't all that hungry. Apparently he ate apple slices on the way over. Then we took him out for a nice walk before they left. 

Once Ron and Joey left and I moved out to the warmer spot. Its getting down to the 20°s down below, at night, so that's the teens here. They're supposed to get rain Wednesday, Thursday and snow Friday, Saturday, Sunday. We could see snow here as early as Wednesday. 
This may be our last week up here. The weather will decide. 

It seems too quiet now.

I'm still puny from the hit yesterday. I didn't get a chance to discuss it. Its that way when there's a small active little boy around. πŸ™‚


Monday, October 30, 2017

7:36 p.m.

It was a quiet day. I tried to vary my routine. I think the stalker arrived around 11:30 a.m.  I went in around 12:30 p.m. I'd spent the morning straightening up the wire wad that Ron brought me. I washed some laundry, but didn't hang it up until later in the afternoon. Tomorrow Rosie and I will try to work on stuff quietly, to see if we can throw the stalker off. I think he's been using the sound of my recip saw and rattling wagon to find me. 


Wednesday, November 1, 2017

5:16 p.m. 

Yesterday we slipped out early, to throw off our stalker, and went quietly up to wire the sticks in the front. I left the wagon at the RV. If the stalker came, he'd think I was still inside. It was 39°F inside when we got up and stayed cold all day. If he was sitting out there, he was freezing his butt off! The thought makes me laughπŸ˜‚. At about 1:30 p.m. I heard a vehicle coming up the road. It stopped before it reached my property. It sounded the same as the jeep that I glared at last week. Then I heard shooting coming from right there. Three shots, large caliber. Next thing you know they drove away. When I first heard them coming I moved away from the fence so I woukdn't get fumed. As we were circling around I smelled Berry Breath. She had been watching us. If its not the 2 legged stalker, its a four legged one! 😣 

So today (much warmer, though very windy) we went up the elk meadows and checked the hay bales. We swung around by the dead cow spot. The predators aren't finished yet. 

Next we checked the back gate. Everything looked good there, and Rosie gave it "the all clear." I spent an hour or so weaving in more sticks. We wandered back down Violet Way, checking for possible trail cam positions. I've been studying up on those... I stopped for breakfast and then took my wagon and supplies and headed up the driveway. Rain or snow is coming. I trenched the large mud puddle spot in front of the parking area, so it would drain away down to the creek and retaining ponds. We continued up to the gate, passing through, out to the road. I hauled two small loads of rocks to the muddy slope, and put them in the ruts. Then dug out some more of the rut tops and threw it in the ruts. I was pooped. We came back to my property, closing and locking the gate behind us. It was much too early to go back to the RV. I had noticed a fairly large, saggy spot on the fence that hadn't been there before, so I thought, "Maybe if I just fix that one spot..." I found some of my sticks had been pulled out. I decided to do a little bit more. We kept at it until 2:30 p.m.. I couldn't lift my arms anymore. We retired to the RV. I felt good about getting so much done. I had been smelling perfume while we were working. I don't know what/who it was from. Rosie kept looking Eastward along the fence. I don't know if there was someone there or not. But, one section at a time! Hopefully I can finish West of the gate tomorrow and go back to wiring East of the gate. I am having lymph problems and a headache from the perfume, though. 😠 

That's about it. Still trying to work out the woodstove, and trail cam problems as well as working on Ari's Strawberry Sleeper. Only it gets dark so early, I'm not getting much done on that. I did solve one problem. Lights. I ordered a set of 4 LED, battery powered, bar lights. I don't know why it took me so long to think of it... Duh! Anyway, they're on their way.


Saturday, November 4, 2017

9:55 a.m.

Woke to an inch of snow this morning. 



Thursday and Friday were cold and rainy. No treapassers or predators while we were out working on fence. I did swing around the Eastern front fenceline, yesterday, and collect the beer cans that had been thrown over. We came back via Rattlesnake Alley. I found a HUGE wolf track, like 5 times the size of Rosie's tracks, and an even bigger cat track! I don't want to run into either of those guys when its just Rosie and I!

Getting ready for the dump and fill. 

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Just Going Forward

Sunday, October 22, 2017

7:00 p.m.
Yesterday was dump & fill day and it was a sleeting sideways! Ron told me Friday night that he wanted me to meet him at the dump station. The weather stations were forecasting major rain for our whole area. My major knee-jerk thought was, "How am I going to get up the mudhole hill! My dualies get zero traction. On a dry day after a mild rain I barely make it. So first thing Rosie, myself, our trusty wagon and a shovel formed up a brigade and headed out to take that hill! I shoveled, I trenched, I hauled rocks! Rosie supervised and commented (frequently) on the weather. A blizzard started up. The ice and snow I didn't mind. It doesn't soak you. Rain, with these temperatures, ick, makes you cold and wet. I worked at it a couple of hours. I trenched the puddles so they drained off the road. I shoveled the tops of the ruts into the holes. I filled the worst holes with (large) rocks so I could get traction, and cast smaller rocks over the slippery parts. Then we went back and worked some more on the parking area, collecting 4 footers. Finally when the precip. turned to icey sleet, I gave up and headed back to the RV. Rosie was thrilled. I spent the rest of the day stitching Rosie's blanket while the wind howled (20-30 mph) and slammed the sheets of sleet against the RV. Finally we got the call from Ron, he was leaving Pendleton. He estimated an hour. I flew around putting stuff away like a witch on a broom. In the few minutes I spent outside pulling my windshield covers I was thoroughly soaked. When we pulled out on the road I sucked in a deep breath. The road was running with water like a creek. I charged the hill and prayed for the best! If not that, then enough cell signal to let Ron know what happened, should my efforts have been in vain. It was the best run up that hill I've had all year!!! None the less, it took me twice the normal time to get down the mountain. Water ran freely down the roads most of the way. Ron wasn't at the dump site yet. The pass had a foot of snow. It was a whiteout. They couldn't travel more than 25mph. He pulled in behind me half an hour later. He looked stressed. I felt horrible for Ron. He had to do all that work in the nasty weather. When we got back up here, we did minimal set up and we both retired to our respective campers. It was so cold I let Rosie use her blanket, even though I'm not done with it yet.

It continued storming all night and most of today. The wind did drop around 11:00 a.m. Ron's folk's trailer had 3 leaks in the night. Ron spent most of today dealing with that. I went out and tried to put down my awning when the wind started slacking, so Ron would have a place to get out of the rain for a bit. He looked soaked to the skin. It malfunctioned. So I ended up soaked and frozen too. About the time he finished tarping the trailer, it quit raining. We transferred supplies, then it was time for him to go.😧

I put together a leather holster kit he'd brought up. It helps to have something to do, to combat the feeling of abandonment. Finally I can quit packing my gun in my back pocket!

Next I worked on my knitted belt so it would accommodate the holster, then stitched Rosie's blanket. That's about it for the weekend.


Tuesday, October 25, 2017

6:51 p.m.
Yesterday was a warm, pleasant day. I'd intended to go add those two strands of barbed wire to the section of fence Ron replaced, only at dark Sunday night someone shot near the SW corner. Monday morning when Rosie and I were out cutting sticks the crows were carrying on. I changed my plan and headed for the West fenceline and SW corner. I wove stick stays in all along the West fence as we worked our way to the corner. Whatever was exciting the crows was out of sight on the timber company's property. So, not my problem. I ran out of sticks as we entered the wood. There were plenty more available. I will need to cut them off when I get them wired to the fence. I think we worked for 3 hours. Rosie kept staring across the road. I figured it was one of Bob's cows. When we turned the corner and were working along the front fence Rosie became even more intense. As I came to an opening in the brush, there stood a sheep! Right in the middle of the road. Must be one of Jim's. I texted him. Rosie and I went down to the gate and walked down the road. The sheep waited until we got pretty close, then walked down the road westward. I turned back. No need to get it flustered. After that we returned to the RV for more sewing.

Today was a repeat of yesterday. I checked the front gate, no sheep or tracks. I checked the corral. Everything's was good there. Then I cut 4 footers and hauled them up to the front fence. I worked on that until I came to a broken strand of barbed wire. It rusted out. I unloaded my sticks there so I didn't have to haul them back again tomorrow. I'll gather my fencing supplies and begin tomorrow by mending that break.

I've finished the quilting on Rosie's blanket. I attached straps for her front legs. I haven't decided wether to make straps for her hind legs or a belly band... But, it got too dark to sew. So thats it for tonight. 


Wednesday, October 26, 2017

Finished Rosie's blankie while her veggies cooked.



I decided it shouldn't need anymore than the two front leg straps. We'll see tonight.

7:02 p.m.
We went out to gather our fencing supplies and discovered that Ron had taken the fence stretcher. 😫 

I decided to see what I could do anyway. So what should have taken 20 minutes took me 3 hrs. With lots of swearing. I eventually got it spliced, but not near tight enough. It was the best I could manage with the tools I had on hand: logs, sticks, baling twine, fencing pliers. 

I'd just about finished angrily weaving in all the sticks I had when I heard a truck coming. I stalked away from the fence. Then turned back, facing the road. The truck stopped right across the fence from me. The window rolled down and out of the shadowy interior a gravelly voice cat called me! I glared back. I seriously wanted to pull my gun and decorate the shiny new truck with some bullet holes if the jerk didn't take a hint and move on. I was in that foul of a mood. I wouldn't. It sounded like A teenager. I glared while I mulled my real options. Then the voice called out again, only it was different, and it called me by name! It was my sister! She'd told me yesterday that she wasn't coming. Funny joke. Heh, heh...

We had a nice visit, and she said she really liked her walking stick. I was going to get a pic, once I stitched the yarn bomb on, but didn't since she hadn't told me she was coming. I stitched it on while she ate her birthday s'mores. Sans marshmallow, which neither of us like. She stayed for 3 hours. It was lovely. She relayed some hilarious stories, and we talked about our father and his death. I needed that. It was a precious thing for her to do, coming all that way. It was 10 hrs of driving for her, round trip. The friend she was going to visit, then stop by and see me enroute, had taken a trip to the coast, so my sister had said she wasn't going to come. But she came anyway. πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–

Saturday, October 28, 2017

9:29 p.m.
I'm up in the dark, with pain. 

I got an exposure today. At first I didn't smell anything. I just started reacting. Horrible chest pain radiating up to my ear. I started regurgitating, then it hurt so bad it actually made me nauseous. That's bad news. I can't vomit with a spasmed closed LES. As I was staggering to the RV and passing by the entrance of Violet Way I smelled tobacco. Like pipe tobacco or a cigar. Not smoked. Someone was there, trespassing. He must of had something on him. Pesticide or petroleum of some kind. 

I've been working on this all afternoon. I've done shots, meds, showered, RNA drops, arnica balm and homeopathics, massage and acupuncture, zapping and accupressure. I'm currently doing herbal teas. Then I'm out of tricks. 😣 

I'm tired and want to go to bed but can't with this much pain. I'm trying to distract myself, by finishing this.

Lets see, what else happened this week...

Rosie doesn't like her leg straps. I'll have to figure out something else.

I can't solve my woodstove chimney problem. I may have to let that idea go.

I worked yesterday on the front fence for a few more hours. Same spot. I think I did 50 more feet. Some guys in a jeep came by and stopped on the other side of the fence across from me. I glared. They drove off without saying anything. 

I've started working on Ari's Strawberry Sleeper again. 

Thursday morning there were two elk eating Ron's hay.

This morning there was actually quite a bit of traffic on the road. 

That sums it up, and I didn't do a very good job distracting myself. 
Huh.






Saturday, October 21, 2017

Aahhhh! Warmer!

Saturday, October 14, 2017

7:37 p.m.
It was sunny today. Snow still in the shade but everything the sun touched melted off. 

Rose and I started with stick sorting in the sheep meadows. Then took a walk to the back gate to see if the trespasser ripped out my sticks. They were still there. πŸ˜€ Our next chore was taking down the hot wire fence. I don't want to leave it over the winter. The wild critters will get caught in it. I wound up the polywire, pulled the clips and posts and tucked them under the guest trailer until Ron comes. 

I'd found a great walking stick blank. I cleaned it up, cut off the twigs, knocked off the bark and filed the sharp protrusions off. I'm making it into a birthday gift for my sister if she comes next week. I'm yarn bombing the hand spot. She and another sister are moving to a wilderness piece of property, of their own, next year. She'll need a good stick. If I can figure out how to attach some of the cool turkey feathers I've found, I will. 

I worked on laundry. I won't get many more days to do that. I moved my park benches over to the fire circle. The camp chair is too wet to use most days. When it dried out, I put it away. And we hiked down to the corral and removed the carabiners. That sums up the day. 


Monday, October 16, 2017

6:59 p.m.
Yesterday was Dump & Fill day. I got out early and got to work cutting dead limbs off the trees that line the drive. I focused on the ones that overhang the driveway, low enough to scrape the RV if I'm not perfectly centered. I'll be driving along the edges more as I avoid mud puddles. I didn't get the sticks picked up. Just cut. It was sunny, but still cold during the night. Working helped me stay warm. 

Ron had planned to cut down big trees for firewood, but he didn't get to the dump station until 3:30 p.m. He'd brought over 2 large bales of grass hay for the deer, elk and that calf if its still alive. He was trailering them. The trailer had a flat on the freeway. He didn't get the trees cut. He did unload the 2 one ton bales. While he pulled the tires off the trailer, to get them repaired, I took on my supplies.

It was another cold night last night so right after my coffee and Rosie's breakfast I moved the RV out into the meadow where it gets the most sun. It was much warmer today, 60°F. It actually got to 70°F inside with a window and a vent open to air it out! Yay! We were warm!!! 

So today I picked up the latest batch of cut off dead limbs along the drive. I've made a new pile by the wood cutting station. Its volkswagon bug sized.  Then I moved my laundry station back to my favorite spot. I hung the fabric Ron brought for Rosie's new fuzzy blanket up to air out. I even threw a stick for Rosie for a while. She was bummed Ron didn't stay. 

I did have to take apart the induction hotplate. It wasn't working very well. It had developed corrosion. I cleaned it off and put it back together. Worked better. Don't know how long it will last. Oh yeah, Ron brought me a new lantern. He can't get bulbs for the old one. 

As you can see not much that is exciting has happened. Just plodding along... Warmly. πŸ˜„


Tuesday, October 17, 2017

6:33 p.m.

Buttoned up for the night. Its been a windy day. No rain though. I worked on breaking/cutting that pile for a couple of hours. The rest of the time I've been working on Rosie's blanket. I also cooked up more food for Rosie. Nothing exciting. I did smell bad smoke and large ashes rained down on us. The kind from burning cardboard. I called the silviculture forester, but he didn't respond. So I called the ODF dispatch to see if there was a scheduled burn. Just before sunset the silviculture guy returned my call. Thats it.


Thursday, October 19, 2017

6:44 p.m.
The hot plate didn't last very long. I ordered a new one yesterday. I washed a load of clothes and hung it out to dry since rain is forcasred for several days. I cut more dead lower limbs and put them in the pile. Then worked on Rosie's blanket. That sums up Wednesday.

Today was pretty similar. I collected piles of 4'+ bleached limbs and logs and brought them down to my wood cutting station. I'll cut a bunch there then haul them to sections of fence. I collected my clean dried laundry, then started on sorting scrap wood in the house area: firewood, 4 footers, bonfire material. Then I came in and got back to work on Rosie's blanket.


I'm a bit stiff from sitting here working on it so long, but I'm hoping to be finished tomorrow. 


Friday, October 20, 2017

6:09 p.m.
Not finished. I did finish the tying. I decided I needed to stitch a 1" border. Its slow going because I want it to look good. Extra care must be taken.

Rosie and I went out twice today to collect sticks we were gathering 4'+ ones. It rained off and on so we got wet each time. Before breakfast we went up Huckleberry Hill. I collected some good rocks, too. And some garbage. Between meals we worked on the parking area. There was a bunch of rotted stuff  there that needs to be burned, so I piled it up. I got several loads of fence sticks. 

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Brrrrrrr!

Brrrrrrr!

Monday, October 9, 2017

7:28 p.m.
Ron came Saturday after taking our daughter and her family to the airport. They're going to Justin's family's for one of his brother's wedding. We hiked and chased the calf around. We didn't catch it. Ron almost got it to the corral. Jim was out hunting the mountains for the missing cows and sheep. We kept him updated via text.

Ron spent the night in the guest trailor and we hiked more on Sunday before doing chores. He went home in the afternoon.

It was very cold in the night.

Today has been a paperwork and repair day. I tightened down the a/c.  I checked the roof and calked cracked seams. I cut wood and gathered more rocks. I did not see the calf. I did call a sister and got a call from my son. πŸ˜„


Tuesday, October 10, 2017

6:49 p.m.
More paperwork, more rocks and sticks. Cut 4' sticks from downed, bleached limbs and hauled them to the east fence. Wove them in. Gathered more rocks for the fire pit. Played with getting them in solidly. Cooked veggies for Rosie. Aired out the moisture. Ordered groceries on line. It was warmer last night. A little lonely. Missing my Dad. He didn't mind that I was doing the same thing day after day. He was just glad I called. 😒


Thursday, October 12, 2017

5:44 p.m.
I tried eating some of Rosie's well cooked veggies yesterday. Big mistake. Up all night. Still hurt. 

Lets see, we started out yesterday sorting and piling bleached sticks. Rosie really thought we should go check out some noises she was hearing in the woods, so we did. After poking about on the west slopes of Huckleberry we ended up at the back gate. My wood slats had been all shoved to the side. It seemed like it was for the ease of someone climbing through. One was flung away from the gate. I hunted up lots more sticks and wove them in there so tight that who ever it was, they'd find it "easier" to crawl through the fence. Its been raining, sleeting or snow mixed with rain, all afternoon, yesterday and through the night. Still raining or I'd have loaded up more 4 footers an started weaving them into the fence back there, too. Rosie was very uncomfortable at the gate. She kept staring out into the timber company's forest. That is where I heard the mountain lion screaming. She tried to move me back. Since I wouldn't listen to her she went a ways back down our trail, sat down as if to say come over here, and watched. She doesn't show that behavior for bears, wolves, people or coyotes. I'm thinking she does not like mountain lions at all. We went back to the RV and after breakfast I decided it was time to get in touch with my inner woodsman. If you've watched the animated movie "Hoodwinked" you'll know what I'm talking about. I got out my tools and tackled cutting down two problematic trees. They weren't very big, but it was a start. Recip saws weren't meant for cutting down trees. They don't cut anything over 3" or you use up your whole charge on one cut. I limbed a couple of others that were blown down and drug them over by my wood cutting area. I cut off more lower, dead branches. When it quits raining, maybe Saturday, I'll get a few more downed trees. That way when Ron's here I can run my electric chainsaw off the propane generator and cut them up. 

So today was mostly a recovery day.  I knit. While wearing mittens. Soooo cold. Slowed me way down. I kept trying to figure out why it was so cold in here and what I could do about it. I finally remembered that I had some extra clothes for Ron in a pillowcase under one of the dinette seats. I drug them out, pulled everything out from under the stove and piled his clothes over that opening I sealed off in the spring with thin plastic cutting board. I also piled clothes over what was left of the ducting, the pipes and the (unuseable, toxic) furnace. Maybe that will help.  All that wrestling around down there did help me get warmed up. πŸ™ƒ

I also spent time looking at marine wood stoves. Instead of replacing the propane stove/oven with a cupboard, maybe I'll put in a woodstove. Hmmmm. 

I did crawl under the blankets that I have draped over the walk through area into the cab. Its dry, yay! And I haven't used as much fuel as I feared. Yay! Again. More rain tomorrow, and its supposed to be colder. πŸ˜’


Saturday, October 14, 2017

7:20 a.m.
It looked like it had snowed when I got up yesterday. It was ice. We call it "frozen rain." Its not like hail. Its frozen raindrops. It snowed and thawed all the rest of the day.


Unfortunately when I took Rosie out to potty in the morning, I got hit with fumes from the generator. Windage -switchy. Miserable, painful day. Hypothermia on top of all the other symptoms. Did shots and stuck myself with acupuncture needles. Fought with it all day.πŸ˜–

Friday, October 6, 2017

A Beautiful Day

Saturday, September 30, 2017

8:14 p.m.
Ron and Justin decided to forego hunting and loaded up the boys, Ari, snacks and my daughter and headed up to Grandma Mountain today. 

I got a lovely hot shower before they arrived and finally washed my hair. Sink baths clean the body enough to get by, but a shower with clean hair, thats luxury!  

I took a peak at Ari, but didn't want to disturb her. She was snug in her cozy car seat nest. It was cold and windy up here today. The boys and I played chase and ran about laughing, sqealing, yelling and giggling. We also went in and out of my RV so Joey could check on the Yoshis. He loved them. Toby just likes climbing in and out. After lunch Ron and Justin hauled the boys in the wagon down to the big pond on the 80, to see the frogs. They fixed that gate that was off its hinges from the loading chute, on the way. My daughter and I had a nice chat. She and Ari sat in the guest camper, out of the wind. I sat outside and visited through the open door. It was far too soon that it was time for them to go. I loved having them come!

Then Ron and I headed for town to do the dump and fill. This was at the bottom of the road. It sums it up nicely. It was a beautiful day!



Tuesday, October 3, 2017

8:15 p.m.
It got cold, rainy and foggy. I'd gotten toxed by something that included hypothermia. I've been trying to stay warm and get over it. Rosie and I are sleeping on the sofa in front of the heater again.  I moved the RV into a (hopefully) warmer spot yesterday. It gets more sun, when there is sun. There was today. I managed a little laundry. One sheet. I brought it in for the night. I certainly don't want a plane to contaminate it.

Jim didn't make it by on Monday to pay the rent either, so I had the unpleasant task of informing him the contract was terminated and to come collect his cattle. He responded with an apology, and says he'll be here to collect them tomorrow and square up. Admirable. 

Since he's pulled his dogs out with his sheep the coyotes have become quite brave.

I finished the warm socks Sunday and have taken up the Strawberry Sleeper again.

Rosie and I did manage a walk today. I took it real slow.

Not much else to share.


Thursday, 7:46 a.m.

It was a cold one last night. I had a long tiring day yesterday. When I got up, not a cow in sight. Not a sound. So I went out and checked on things. They were just bedded down staying warm. Jim texted me at 9:40 a.m. that he was starting up the mountain. I had to hurry and get ready, then hustle down to unlock the gates. I didn't quite get them done before I heard him on the road. As usual, he was polite. He tried to explain that things had come up. I pointed out that he didn't keep me informed, he just stood me up, twice. I did mention that if we could figure out a way to avoid a repetition of these problems, I would consider renting to him next year. He had two ideas for keeping me paid ahead. The other one he'll have to mull over this winter.

He'd hired two riders to help him round up cattle. He said they worked at the feedlot and were friends. I wasn't impressed with their herding ability. They were fairly fragrance free and made a point to avoid coming close to the RV, though. I don't think they have much experience with range cattle. The cattle were perfectly set up for a straight shot up Rattlesnake Alley to the corral. They rode in hard, too close and made their sweep too close. The cattle were already spooked and moving so they never got behind them. They sent in their Border Collies, which added to the cow's panic. The corrientes stampeded up the North pasture and broke up at the back fence, I'm assuming. The largest group went up the back of Cell Hill. I next spotted them streaming down the south slope in long, broken strung out ribbons. The rider did the smart thing, slowed down and swept the fence and woods to the south before driving them up t'ward the corral. He was still pressing too hard as they tended to seek the cover of the trees. Instead of it taking a couple of hours, it took most of the day. After that I saw one of the riders pushing small bunches several different times. I'd kept the generator off so I could keep track of the trucks coming and going. After the 5th load (which should have been their last) One lone, young black with a brown ridged cow came running down Rattlesnake Alley. No rider following. I texted Jim assuming he'd direct one this way. Nothing. More minutes passed and I saw a bunch coming along Violet Way. It was Droopy Horn with two spring calves and a young red cow. No rider. They went for water. I texted Jim. Still no rider. A few minutes after that group returned to the North pastures another group arrived. Two mature red cows and two yearlings came down and stopped to graze at the RV. I texted Jim. He finally responded. He wasn't pleased with his riders. He told me to lock up, he'd be back Friday. He did tell me one of them reported there was a dead cow on the west side. He didn't give Jim anymore info than that. I told him I'd try to go look at it. 

I got off the phone and started the generator to cook breakfast. It was 3:30 p.m.. Then Rosie and I hiked back up to the corrals to lock the gates. The cowboys had left everything in good order. I did have to wrestle the broken gate back open so the left behind cattle could get salt. I was feeling pretty weak and puny by this time. Ryan called and chatted with me as I hiked back and began my search of the west side for the dead cow. I had a pretty good guess as to where she was. Where all the coyotes had been howling and I'd heard shots fired after dark... I got down to the SW corner. Its heavily wooded. Lots of coyote poop, and one huge pile of bear scat. Rosie and I circled around the area but didn't go in. I could smell raspberries (and meat and fat). No berries grow in this corner. I'm beginning to recognize that as the breath/body odor of the momma bear. I smell it where I find her tracks or Rosie signals a large predator. It was getting t'ward evening. I did not want to challenge a bear over a carcass in the dusk, so I decided to sweep the rest of the open pasture boundaries to make sure they were clear, in the rest of the daylight left. I'd recheck that area tomorrow. As we labored up the North pasture along the eastern foot of Cell Hill (where I'd heard a bear roar several days ago), we could hear a cougar screaming in the canyon behind my property. We swept both sides of the narrow meadow (I smelled nothing) and I baby stepped my way back to the RV in the gloom of the evening. Severe fibro and exhaustion. I fed Rosie, heated it up in here and went to bed.

So, today we recheck the front corner. If we find no carcass we check Cell Hill. I haven't been up there in a long while. I didn't want to take Rosie in heat up there, since it was close to where Jim's sheep and intact LGDs were (next door) before he removed them, and the bear comes through the back fence up there. Rosie was smelling like rotted meat for 3-4 weeks. Not a good choice with a bear around. Now that she's finally done, we need to go up and check things out. That and a little laundry are today's plans. Its worth noting, no coyotes howling last night. 

8:46 p.m.
Well, it wasn't a dead cow in the SW corner that I smelled yesterday evening. It was Berry Breath, the bear. We did find a recently killed elk head, but it was picked almost clean. No smell lingered on it, or in the area. And we combed it, thoroughly. So we headed for Cell Hill. I took my time. All the way up, no smells. I was beginning to doubt these boys were being straight up with me. Maybe a little joke? We turned the corner and headed east about 50 ft in from the fence. Dang but I didn't discover an old tree stand! We dropped over the break, thats when I heard the crows squabbling. They were down the slope a couple hundred feet and closer to the fence. They were in a dense thicked. Of course they were. Great! I wondered if there were any larger "diners" on the carcass. Rosie and I picked our way through the underbrush, gradually getting closer. I admit it, I was using my livestock herding call, hyat! Hyat! Hut! To drive away any bears, wolves or cats. Well, or to have them realise we were there and object while I was still far enough away for Rosie and I to back off gracefully. No angry, furred faces rose up from the dark, shadowy mass. Just a murder of crows took flight, one by one, screeching insults. We approached from upwind. It was definitely a cow. Black, mostly. I made note of her ear tag number, B9. I made a quick inspection. She was in full rigor, her head upheld, twisted back over her shoulder. No marks of teeth or claws on the visible surfaces. Her stomach appeared to have burst. Contents were spewed quite a distance from the body. No swelling. The haunch was gone. The stomach cavity showed signs of diners. Visible meat was red, not decayed. I texted the info and a pic to Jim.  Rosie and I retired, leaving the carcass to scavengers. It was a lot of hiking. 

After resting I washed another sheet, cut wood and cooked veggies for Rosie. I counted 10 cows, and 5 calves in the meadow. We hiked back down to the corral, since we heard voices and a vehicle. No one was there when we got there but the timber companies gate was open. The rest of the day I knit.

Friday, Oct. 6, 2017

7:33 p.m.
Jim and his wife came to collect the rest of the cattle. There were 16: 10 cows, 4 tagged calves, 2 untagged calves, when Rosie and I went down to unlock the gate. Jim and his wife mosied down on their horses, and herded them calmly past the RV in under 5 minutes. There were 18. A brown cow with a newborn calf had joined the group. Jim did say to keep my eyes peeled for a cow and a calf that were still missing. I thought they were a pair. I was afraid one or both were dead, too... I hunted around for them today. Didn't see them though we covered most of the 160 except the back side of Huckleberry and the top of Cell Hill. Finally at dusk a lonely calf came bawling into the meadow from the North end of the property. I texted Jim. He called me. Thats when he told me the calf and cow weren't a pair. They'd jumped out of the pen down at the bottom of my road when he was trying to transfer them to the semi. Jim was the one that opened the timber company's gate. He was hoping to get the run-a-ways in. He's coming back in the morning to try to rope the calf. He's hoping the loose cow is nearby and he can get her too. 

So Rosie and I had a good long hike today. We jumped 2 whitetail does. Rosie turned up a dead rabbit, and we didn't run into Berry Breath on top of Huckleberry Hill, even though I smelled her up there. I knit a good share of the afternoon. I ate twice, and even had a sink bath. Not too bad. Oh yeah, my kidneys are working again. That ties up a pretty good week, all things considered. 

Saturday, September 30, 2017

He's Got My Back

Monday, September 25, 2017

7:04 a.m.
Yesterday was supply day. Since the cell companies ported my phone before I got the new one I didn't get a notice of when to meet Ron. He came here first. Then we transferred supplies and off loaded garbage.   I did the supplies while he made a new gate in the electric fence. He was so impressed by my fire pit that he encouraged me to take a picture and even got excited about putting andirons in for it. 


I think I need a few more rocks.

Then we went to town for the dump and fill.

He was still very angry at his mother. He said there were more nasty comments after the apology call and they were so spiteful he's not going to repeat them. Joey did perceive that the person his great grandma was talking about was a very bad person. She was using my first name. Joey doesn't know thats me yet. But, he won't forget what she said, ever. Our brains are wired that way. What fruit will this bear when he finds out that I'm the one she was talking about? Seed of poison. I have to put that aside. There's nothing I can do about it. 

Ron is livid about it. He couldn't sleep all night because it made him so angry. If he had anything to say about it, she'd be banned from seeing the grandkids. He doesn't want them learning that kind of spiteful behavior.

He did calm down after a bit. Upon reflection he amended his previous statement that "they all thought it was a joke" to "she..." Which tells me how enraged he was. That relieved my heartache considerably. I also got a very warm text from my daughter thanking me for Toby's gifts. Again, lifting a terrible weight from my heart. 

One of the things that Ron shared was that Beverly was not in another room like I assumed. He had said 'he'd given her the phone and walked away...' I'd interpreted that as he'd left the room. He handed her the phone in the family room where everyone was! He'd also put it on speaker phone so everyone heard both sides of the conversation! She didn't realize they could hear me. She was pretending I was being argumentative. I asked him if he thought I'd offended his father by talking so harshly to his wife. I'd apologize to my FIL if that was so. I did tell her she needed to learn to shut her mouth, and not say such mean things rather forcefully. Ron did not think so. Either offended or needed to apologize. When I reminded him of what I'd said to her he dropped his head to hide a smile! He was starting to see the humor in it. Which is good if he was going to get any sleep last night. That relieved my heartache also. I did not want to create anymore stress!

We went on a late afternoon walk down Violet Way and talked about bears, elk and grouse. We heard the elk moving off through the forest and the bulls tweedling nearby. It was dusk by the time we got back. Ron had to head home. 

I went in and began the process of setting up my new account, encountered problems and called the customer care line. It was another 2 hr phone call, but the gentleman, Shilo, was gracious, patient, answered all my questions and fixed the one remaining (I hope) glitch. 

And then Rosie and I went to bed. Since I'd gotten the rugs off the line and back on the floors it stayed warmer in here last night. We slept in our beds, rather than in front of the heater. The ground was frozen this morning when we went out, but it only got down to 46°F inside. It has me thinking about sewing "floor mats." Organic canvas, with batting sandwiched in between. Its going to get a lot colder before I get to go home. I need to start on those things now. 

So today, I need to work on laundry and set up my cell phone. Reception is much better.😊

6:04 p.m.
The day started well. I got all my contacts typed in. I even got a call from a sister. I went out and started laundry and cutting up those branches I'd cut off the trees on this side. Then the day went sideways. I heard this really loud rushing noise. Like a helicopter, but not. It was down the hill from me. Lots of planes go there, so I listened and waited. Suddenly I realized it was coming our way! I grabbed Rosie's lead and ran for the RV. I didn't make it. Two military fighter jets came over the top of the trees right on top of me. The were moving slowly for jets and aprx 200' off the ground! They turned around slowly, in the air, right in front of Violet Way and headed off back south. In the next 5 minutes they did it again. I spent the rest of the day trying to find out where they were from and asking for military air control to prevent their planes from flying here. I think they came from the naval airbase at Widbey Island. I haven't got that confirmed yet. Later my neighbor to the south told me they were hazing Don's cattle, and stampeded them. Jim's cattle barely looked up. I tried going out this evening to restart my ruined laundry, and get some fresh air, but it made me nauseous.  So I came back in. I hurt worse now.


Friday, September 29, 2017

8:00 p.m.
O.k. I'm getting tired of starting entries with "rough..." So lets see, what have we missed. 

I managed to restart the laundry Tuesday. It was pretty toxic. Doing it was making me sick. I was doing pretty good climbing out of the hole. I'm intentionally using hole as opposed to pit, as my symtoms were not full on toxic exposure event. Thank God! But more really bad fibro flare with kidney impairment, chemically burnt face mouth and airways, nausea, peristalsis, interstitial cystitis. And brain fog. Can't spell worth a darn. Took me 6-8 tries to get those last two. I hurt in every muscle and every bone. I kept pushing though. I didn't want to stove up and lose everything I've gained. 

That night there was a wolf serenading Rosie right out side of the window.

On Wednesday I ran extension cords and charged the fencer batterey, then we hiked down to the corrals to check on things but Bob's cows were back, right across the fence. I stopped at the edge of the woods. Another plane was circling through the Timber co. property around us. I decided I'd best head back. Just before we got there he flew directly over us... He made two more passes. Grrrrrrr. Down I went again. More calling people. Restarted the laundry. 

On Thursday I checked the calking on the rear window as I'm seeing dampness from the last big rain. It looked good. So I calked the tops and sides of the running light covers just incase their seals weren't performing adequately. 

We heard from Jim. They were missing 30 head of sheep. A friend told him they'd seen them down by my corral. There was a dead buck. They think it was a wolf kill. I told him I knew there was one in the area. I'm wondering if his friend flies... I told him I'd hike up Huckleberry and check for sign. Rosie and I did it. Slowly. Didn't see anything, hear anything or smell anything. We painstakingly circled the pond, the only source of water left on my property. Nothing there. I let Jim know. 

I spent the rest of the day knitting warmer socks, as part of my winter preparations. Ari's sleeper is on hold. Later we made a pass through an area on the west slope of Huckleberry that I smelled cigarette smoke in as we'd come back by earlier. I hadn't eaten breakfast yet, then and I didn't have it in me to confront anyone. I made my usual threatening promises though. I hope I'm weirding them all out. 

I did get a call from the executor. I have paperwork to do. I actually didn't expect to inherit anything. When my Dad gave me money for my RV upgrades he told me that that money was my inheritance. Getting anything more was a nice surprise. 

We hiked up to the gate and then down to the corral. The sorting chute gate was on the ground. It wasn't damaged, it almost looked like someone had borrowed it and not put it back up. Either that or cows were tussling and knocked it down. Except it wasn't damaged. I called Ron and asked him to bring more chain. I drug the gate over to a corral fence and wired it up, out of the way. I could see wool and red stuff over on the Timber property from where the kill was. Then I labored my way back up the hill to the woods. I got a call from my youngest sister. That was nice. She was checking on me. She filled me in on one of my other sister's troubles.

I cried that night after I turned out the lights and crawled into bed. There in the total darkness. The weight of his passing pressed in. I thought about how much fun and joy he had giving me the money when he was alive. And how cold and stark getting money after a loved one is gone. If I can, I'm going to give away all my possessions to my loved ones before I die. It will be lots nicer.

So, we're up to Friday. Rosie is still open. I'd thought she was done but jet fuel must be an endocrine system disruptor. 

Ron had had to travel for business Wednesday. He'd stopped to check on Debby" When he talked to me Thursday he told me about my third sister's troubles. So today after I finished my chores I messaged condolences to her. We had a nice chat over messager. Its a start.

Anyway, my winter project for this day was to gut the back (bed) room and recalk the window from the inside. I gutted the room because I'm accident prone and super messy. Good thong I did. I was getting pretty frustrated with myself there for awhile. I resembled Pooh with his honey pot, only it was calk. Sigh. But I eventually got it done,dried and put back together.πŸ™‚

Ron told me in his afternoon call that Justin had decided he was possibly going to bag hunting today and bring his family up to see me. Ron said he'd do what they decided. My MIL isn't letting his Dad go hunting, to punish Ron, I think. So he's not coming. Our son can't get the time off, and Ron's best friend won't hunt in the valley with no trees. Some years they don't draw their favorite hunting unit. Poor Ron!!!! This will be the first missed opening day of his life. They'll decide tonight. I'll hear if they are coming tomorrow.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Just When I Start to Soar, Life Jerks My Chain

Saturday, September 16, 2017

8:14 p.m.
Ron got here at midnight last night. I was sleeping. He said it was 28°F outside. It was 39°F inside in the morning. Good to know we were 11°F warmer inside! Ron and I did the trespasser's hike. I didn't smell anything new. We split up at the top of Huckleberry. He went down the backside, and I retraced my steps from the last time I was there. I 'd lost a button. Didn't find it. We met back at camp. No fresh sign of trespassers. A few tracks from bear, probably the day before. Since we're expecting even colder temps this week, and rain, I decided to move my RV back to the warmer spot. The ground won't get as soggy. First I needed to trim some branches from the trees on that side of the yard. I did that, and took on supplies while Ron took his survey equipment over to the 80 and located some property lines. When he got back we went to town for the dump and fill. We set the RV up in the different spot when we returned. My step was so high off the ground in this spot that I picked out a nice large, sorta flat rock and Ron dug it up and put in the wagon. We hauled it back to camp and he set it up nice and stable for me to use as an extra step.  

We had to fix the muck rake handle again. It broke after about 8 cow pies. Ron brought a metal handle this time. Then we just sat and enjoyed the evening. He went home just before dark.


Sunday, September 17, 2017

7:28 p.m.
I woke up with a terrible pituitary headache and lymph and body pain that was so painful I couldn't move. I'd got a couple of fume exposures yesterday but I hadn't been reacting to them, so I didn't bother to mention them. Guess the trespasser exposures have me glute depleted. It took me a while to get going. I was just going to take it easy. I started by doing some laundry and sorting sticks and twigs, with lots of resting. But I finished the whole pile! Wow! The pile started out, the first part of August, as big as a Humvee (lots of air spaces)! I have a couple small mounds of stuff I've raked together, 3" or less, but other than that, I did it! Cut or snapped, sorted and stacked. 

And then I was bored.πŸ˜• 

I decided I could start moving the fire circle. They'd built it in a weird spot. If I started on it now, I could have it finished by the weekend, then I wouldn't have to back out of this spot. So I got the wagon and started moving the smaller stones. I discovered the bigger stones weren't as heavy as I expected, so I moved them too. I figured if a stone was too heavy, I'd leave it for Ron. Dang but I didn't get them all moved! And the wood Ron's Dad brought me at the begining of the summer, too. I built the new fire circle between me and "the guest house."


I need to go dig up a few more small stones for the center. I decided I might even want to build the outside up a little more for wind protection. It has been windy all day, which is why I'm thinking about it. But that's going to have to be another day. We came in because it was threatening to rain.  It is now. Gentle rain, no thunder and lightening. Its supposed to rain all night and most of tomorrow. I'll have to wait to finish my project. 


Monday, September 18, 2017

6:59 p.m.
It was a rainy day. Still raining. They were wrong about the thunder though. Plenty of that today too. Its not as worrisome since its wet, but still... And I don't run the heat while a storms going through since there's thunder. I like to keep track of how close it is. I can't hear it over the generator. So I'm cold. 

Its been a distracting day. I'm still having chest and back pain. I did teas and finally a shot. Rosie is "open" so there's that to deal with. I discovered I'd dropped a stitch 20 rows back on Ari's Strawberry Sleeper. That was about the time a really close thunder clapper hit. The discovery, not the dropped stitch. The thunder made it hard to concentrate on fixing it. No excuse for dropping it. 

And the internet isn't working. Sigh.

That pretty much sums up the day.


Tuesday, September 19, 2017

2:13 a.m.
Up since 12:36 a.m. with painful lymph, chest and back. I've got MALT and achalasia, too! I've bagged everything I can think of that might be causing it: the clothes I was wearing when symptoms started (1st trespasser day), my hat, my work gloves. I'm about this farπŸ‘Œfrom bagging both Rosie and myself. I'd wash us but its too cold in here. Morphine would be good right now (only its toxic, so no help there). I've zapped myself, massaged lymphs, drunk coffee and C water, taken and applied arnica. I'm taking meds from my box that I haven't taken since May! 

Think! What were my exposures? Toxic trespassers, Ron encountered Bob's cows on the 80 (maybe when I heard them and thought Bob was taking them, he was just re-applying insecticide! I don't know! it would be a 3rd hand exposure from cows to Ron to me), the gas fumes from the generator generally, and exhaust from the RV when I got out after "dump and fill", working on the back tailgate of Ron's truck to fix the rake handle (its a diesel. Its always a possibility with diesel), possibly old toxin residue on the partially burned fence posts that were in the old fire pit (didn't smell anything but thats not a guarantee), forest fire smoke on the wind, preservatives in my glute shot (since the states mandated compounding pharmacists injectables have to be batch tested, so only the big guys can afford to make them - they make huge batches and load them up with anti bacterials, etc. Its why I try not to take my shots anymore unless its an emergency). It could have been bad nut butter (ecoli), or an egg that the chicken ate something toxic. The only thing I changed in my diet is that I've been adding an extra egg yolk to get more nutrition, and trying to eat some nut butter mixed with honey and butter. Thats all I can think of. So why now? What is it?! Is it just the accumulation of all those things?

3:34 a.m.
I went on a toxic fume hunt. I'm bagging anything and everything that could possibly contribute, in between trying to knock down the pain with various remedies. I've checked things previously bagged to see if they'd come open!  I found two. Still have pain. Not good! Not good at all! 

4:05 a.m.
Got the temp up to 63°F. Rinsed my hair, rinsed the dog. Drying us out. Bagged more shit. I've been running air purifiers this whole time. So tired of hurting!

4:29 a.m.
Starting to get an edge up on the pain. Back pain reduced. Ears still painful. Chest is less painful, now mostly sore. Hopefully we can hang onto the improvement. Can't go to bed yet. Too wet. Tomorrow I'm taking the bagged stuff out. Shoes and gloves can be put on the windshield under the cabover, hat on the clothes line. The rest, into the basement bins! The laundry will have to wait its turn. Ugh! 

5:00 a.m.
Shutting off the heater and generator. Gonna try going back to bed for awhile. Inside temp after 4.5 hrs of running the heat, 64°F. πŸ˜•

6:58 a.m.
Rosie wanted me to get up and turn the heater on at 6:30 a.m.. Sheesh! I had her go get her blankey and tucked her in her dog bed. I wasn't sleeping, too much coffee, but I don't want her getting me up for that. So I won't reward her. I waited before I got up. 

Its daylight. Its still raining. Apparently I still don't have internet.

One round of bagged items out.

I was making more toothpaste this morning. Does anyone besides me wonder why the essential oil bottles, that sickies need, are little old lady and sickie unfriendly? I need a day of rest after opening 3, and one day of recovery. There must be a way to make them "child safe" without making them granny and sickie proof. We had a method when I was a kid, it was called "a spanking" if you got into anything that wasn't yours, you got a paddling. Worked like a charm.

10:33 a.m.
Still no internet. Still hurt. Did get a second load of suspected/bagged items out. Darned socks. 

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

9:19 a.m.
I ended the day doing better. For the most part it was a rest day yesterday. I watched the rain, and the cows parade past. We are getting a lot of good rain. Gentle showers alternating with hard rain. The ground is soaking it up well. 

Still no internet, but Ron was able to get a call through this morning. I've spent the morning cleaning candle lanterns and putting in fresh candles. I'm cleaning the freezer too. I did get a pretty good night's sleep. The hard rain woke me twice, but I got up the first time and ameliorated a MALT problem that was starting up. That was helpful in heading it off. 

I'm thinking about how to deal with cold weather better this season. I've ordered some organic cotton fleece and batting to make Rosie a blanket. I ordered some organic duck to remake my camp chair, but am considering ordering (organic) flannel and making lined (or even quilted) pants instead. I need to knit more socks. 

8:16 p.m.
Looooong day! I called my cell carrier, USCellular. I wanted to know if they knew anything about my lack of internet... They had cut me off! Apparently there was a 500mb roaming data limit! Ooowee! Was I mad! Not one of the many people I explained my situation to including that I only got 2 bars in "extended 3G", mentioned this, as they talked me into getting 4Gig of data! Extended means its someone else's tower. And they knew it! The guy in the roaming data department chewed me out like I had somehow stolen the extra roaming data I'd been using. He kept saying I should have known about it because it was "in my contract!" I was supposed to have read my contract... I can't do printed material and I didn't get an email copy. I lost my temper. I've switched carriers. I'll now be with Verizon starting Sunday. Here's to the hope of much better service. 🍷The customer service was certainly better.  It did take me most of the afternoon. But thats because its me and I can't go into stores. I had to figure out how to get a phone up here safely and quickly and sort out all the other technical stuff. At first I had no internet but the roaming department guy at USCellular that chewed me out must have got nervous, it came back on, but its horribly slow. For a while anyway. It is enough for me to get online and look at phones. I had to call the World's Best Realtor, Roger, and get the Verizon #. Followed by a series of calls to the local store, then customer service multiple times. And the more times I have to explain things, the more distracted I get. The poor guy who finally got it all sorted for me was a monument of patience! Though at the end he couldn't contain his disbelief about bears, wolves, etc, and actually told me he didn't believe me. GFETE (Grinning From Ear To Ear) He thought I was lying and still he was a paragon of patience and politeness! I invited him to read my blog. I hope he does. Kudos to him!!


Thursday, September 21, 2017

3:42 p.m. 
More calls to sort out cell and data. Hours of calls. Lot of frustration trying to take the auto pay off my uscellular account. They'd slowed my data speed down so far that captcha won't load. The customer service people at uscellular kept hanging up on me. And I was talking in a calm voice, too! I finally got through to a supervisor! It took me 3 calls asking for a supervisor before I got one.

I did get out to work in the yard for an hour or so. Still weak. Kinda made me sick. Heard shooting south of me. Hiked up to the road and along the front fence. It was just too much, too soon. I came in and bored with being a sickie I copied all my contacts since I'll have to enter them by hand into my new phone. 

I almost got the towels off the line. It just started raining again. 


Friday, September 22, 2017

6:45 a.m.
I got woke up at 4:30 a.m. by a big rig growling by in low gear on the road. At least I assume it was on the road. I'm guessing it was the lumber company hauling in heavy equipment. It was so loud it sounded like it was right on top of me. I figured it was just echoing off the hills and the sound carrying in the still, cold air. It was supposed to get down to 34°F in town. It's usually 10-20° different up here. I checked my indoor thermometer, 41°F. I was warm enough buried under blankets, but I worried about Rosie. I got up and cranked up the generator and turned on the heat. After an hour and a half it was only 53°F. Rosie was still preferring to stay on the floor with her one thin blankie so I shut everything down and tried to go back to sleep. It didn't work. I'm up and drinking left over coffee. I can hear chainsaws on the Timber Co. Property.

12:46 p.m.
Ron was in a cranky mood this morning. I cut the call short. All these years he's told me I'm not allowed to express my anger or frustration at the acts of injustice that have been perpatrated against me, or losses I've endured. I wasn't about to let him snarl at me because he didn't get to go fishing one more time this last week before he buttoned up his boat for the winter.

Rosie and I went out for an early walk in... The sunshine! Yep, it was a beautiful morning. We hiked up to the gate to see what kind of tracks the loud rig left, then along the fence to check out the mud hole. It wasn't too bad. 

After breakfast I worked on laundry and moving the old log sections that were scattered around where the old fire pit had been. I moved them out of the way until they can be sawn down to splitting size. 

I brought the towels in! They were finally dry. I hung out the rugs.  

3:11 p.m.
Raining again. Its an extra rinse for the laundry. Well, as long as they don't get blown off the line.


Saturday, September 23, 2017

8:44 a.m.
The towels are still on the line. Still wet, though the weather report says no rain until after 11:00 a.m.. 

Elk were bugling in the woods this morning when Rosie and I went out. 

Ron called last night in a more controlled mood. I reminded him how he has shut me down when I wanted to express my anger at the injustices. πŸ€” "What's good for the goose is good for the gander." I told him if he wanted to calmly express his anger I will certainly listen and be supportive. I've been prevented from doing the things I love for 21 years. I can certainly empathize with his feelings. 

He also told me he contacted the well drillers. We're so far down on the list they won't get to us until spring. Once the weather turns bad, they quit for the year and won't start up again until the weather breaks warm again. They said we'd be first on the list in the spring. 

Today is Toby's birthday party. Ron's folks are there. They used to come to my kid's birthdays when they were little too. They've always been good about that. Still bites that I can't attend. Still bites that my MIL refers to herself as "Grandma" not "Great Grandma" to my grandkids. That's my name. 😒 feeling like I'm being replaced. Erased. Rubbed out. Dropped in a deep dark hole and forgotten. πŸ‘€✏️πŸš«πŸ•³

Oh yeah, 41°F in here this morning upon waking. Currently 50°F. I did get it up to 53°F when the heater was running. 


Sunday, September 24, 2017

12:28 a.m.
Can't sleep. I called Ron while he was at our daughter's to see if Toby liked his birthday presents. I was talking to Tobes when my MIL yells across the room that she has Ari and she got to see her and hold her before me and I still haven't seen her! Then she laughed tauntingly!  In the sweetest voice I could conjure up I replied, "What an incredibly kind, thoughtful and sensitive thing to say." I hung up before I burst into tears and upset the boys. Ten minutes later Ron calls. He tells me his Mom has something she wants to say. I remained silent. I couldn't talk through the tightness in my throat. She says, "I'm sorry you're feeling bad." 

O.k. That's not an apology. That's s an expression of sympathy and an insincere one at that. An apology acknowledges wrong doing. She didn't even draw a breath between that and beginning a litany of things she knew about Ari because she'd spent time with her and I hadn't. Rubbing my nose in it. I cut her off and redirected the conversation to her hurtful comments. She came back with how she wasn't going to fight with me in a patronizing tone. I rejoined with if you don't want a fight then you shouldn't start one by making malicious, hurtful comments. She kept repeating that she wan't going to fight with me, shouting over me and including that I was mad at the world and taking it out on her. Or something like that. She was using Ron's smart phone and holding it against her face like an old land line. She is 80+ after all. So the whole time she's talking her cheek and jaw are pressing buttons. Finally her cheek hung up on me. 

Well, crap! I'd hoped that they would think I lost service again. Obviously there is a hoohaw brewing. I so didn't want to upset the party. Then I cried all the more because now everybody was going to be mad at me. I felt so alone. After awhile I texted Ron. I wanted to talk to my grandsons. Ron texted back that he was about to give Toby his presents and then go home. Everyone was cranky. When he left, he called me. He'd gotten after his mother!!! He'd told her her comments were "uncalled for and she needed to apologize!" He said at first they all thought it was a joke (when he calmed down later he amended it to "she" thought it was a joke). He made it clear he was serious. He didn't hear the apology. He just dialed the phone, made the intro, handed to her and left. She told him I hung up on her. He told me that it was her face that was pushing the buttons. He saw her holding the phone to her face as he left. SMH. 

I'm so proud of my husband! His mother has been abusive like this his whole life. It took a lot of courage to break free of the programming/conditioning and stand up to her!

Friday, September 15, 2017

Isolation

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

5:15 p.m
Still sad. Still trying to do things to deal with grief. Same chores. Same issues. I did meet the neighbor that bought the property to the south. We chatted at the corral. I'm having teeth and gum problems. I'm thinking the Timber company is spraying and not telling me. Each time I go down there the problems flair. 

My new neighbor says the Timber Co. gave him a chewing out, too. He thinks its because they make money on timber sales that they don't report, and they don't want anyone tracking logs going out during thinning for sales. A friend of his told him that they don't report 50% of their profits. Tax fraud for wealthy investors, including politicians. In the millions- billions of dollars. I shared my suspicions with him. We both felt we aren't in any position to make trouble, so why are they so hostile against us? Anyway I met him on Saturday while I was keeping busy during the funeral. 

Ron came for a couple of hours Sunday.

More work yesterday. I also arranged to call and wish my oldest grandchild, Mia a Happy Birthday!  

My daughter posted lots of pics of everybody else holding my new granddaughter. Is it childish of me to want to crop some of them out of the pictures? Well, I guess I'm being childish then.πŸ™„✂️


Today the cows baled off the hill again. I put on jeans and hiking boots, strapped on my machete and gun, and we went up Huckleberry Hill. I found fresh boot tracks (that weren't mine) and smelled guy sweat. I yelled things. The usual things. We looked around real good and continued up to the top. We found bear tracks. Looked like the night before last. They were a little powdery, or crumbly around the edges. We tracked the guy, and the bear to the back fence. Hope I made the guy wet himself. His fragrance made my gums teeth and jaw hurt more and I'm breaking out all over. Stupid, selfish trespassers.

I worked on knitting and wrote out a story about my Dad that Debby had never heard, for a book she's putting together.


Wednesday, September 13, 2017

11:18 a.m.
Rosie got me up at 5:30 a.m. I though it was because she needed to pee. When I opened the door for her I discovered it was the thick smoke that had her worried. I didn't see any "orange." I stayed up and monitored the wildfire dispatch sites and kept an eye on it. It appears to have been accumulation of smoke from all the area fires, not a local fire. The wind has come up and cleaned things out. 

I've stayed in. I'm working on knitting and mending. 


Friday, September 15, 2017

8:42 a.m.
Ok, I didn't stay in. The trespassing hunters are making me mad. 
Once the smoke cleared I made circuits twice a day. I discovered another track yesterday. This one was a tennis shoe. I also found lots more bear tracks. The bear and a cub tracked me and the hunters. No new tracks yesterday afternoon. I didn't go look today because the VOCs left by those two have made my teeth and jaw hurt even more. They must be tracking through glyphosate sprayed areas. So today I sorted tinder by size. Then I called the Sheriff's department to see if there was an ordinance on how closely you have to post signs. The gentleman I talked to was very kind and welcomed an introductory letter explaining my disability and the procedures I use with law enforcement. It helps so patrol people don't get alarmed by my unusual behavior. I typed it up today and sent it out. Oh yeah, they thought my saying crazy shit was a great idea. If anyone complains they'll cite them for trespassing.πŸ˜„

I've been researching isolation of people with chronic illness all week. Very debilitating in itself. There are so many chronically ill, isolated people out there. Counseling just doesn't do it! I saw one post where a woman said her best friend was her therapist. Now thats sad! She has to pay the therapist to spend time listening to her! Thats not a friend. 😒 If the therapist was truly a friend she wouldn't have to pay her. I didn't post that. 🀐 Poor lonely soul.😒😒😒

Ron's coming. Either tonight, or tomorrow.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Grief

Monday, September 4, 2017

6:00 a.m.
On Saturday I cut wood until my hands hurt. I talked on the phone with my friend Karen. She lost her Dad 30 years ago. She shared her feelings on it. It helped. Then I cleared trail. It was a 100°F. Not a good choice for me, but I couldn't just sit here thinking. I smelled something while out on Violet Way: furry carnivore. I stopped and stared into the bushes where I smelled it. It faded away. It was waiting for us when we came down the East Fenceline Trail, on the other side of Huckleberry Hill. I didn't see it. Just smelled it again and it didn't leave. I should add that Rosie started her heat bleed... 

That evening (about 10:00) a single coyote came down near the RV (100 ft.) and barked and called to her. She growled. At 4:00 a.m. We were awakened by a wolf howling, probably 30 ft in front of the RV. Low base tone, incredibly sad. Rosie was sleeping on the sofa right under the open vent. She didn't even stir. She stayed perfectly still.

Ron came up yesterday afternoon. He's had a very busy time of it, keeping all the balls in the air, for so many people.

He gave me the update on our water and power projects. Bottom line: not yet. We're on the well driller's list. We're waiting our turn. Ron's picked out a 10 solar panel package. No batteries, inverter or anything. But its a start.

After he unloaded supplies he took a hike. I stayed at the RV. I hadn't eaten anything all day except a couple of spoonfuls of nutbutter mixed with butter and honey. Too hot for gruel. I finally got some food in. It was so hot down in town that I kind of got heat exaustion while doing the dump and fill. I needed to recharge. He met people while he was out there. When he came back he told me more about the 80. The pond over there is very large. There are two fallen down cabins. We sat out under the stars, with my electric camp lantern on the table being flocked by moths, and talked about my father, his death, the funeral. It helped.

No howling last night. Just a Great Horned Owl hooting in the dark, very close by, around 4:00 a.m.

4:20 p.m.
Ron went home. This morning we set out to clean up some of the downed wire by the corral. We started by hiking up Huckleberry Hill, since a group of cows came running down from there. Ron carried the bolt cutters I'd asked for. They work better for cutting old barbed wire than using fencing pliers. We decided it was most likely coyotes that spooked the cows. We could hear them off to the east. We circled back around to the corral, dropping down the steep, east side of the hill. 

The biggest pile of barbed wire around there was the stuff Ron had pulled down from the dilapidated fence that was next to the corral. He'd tried to coil it as best he could, but it was a mess to begin with. He wanted to show me the pond and cabin on the 80 before we began. He said it wasn't that far away. So we unlocked the gate and hiked over there. I was finally being able to see the 80! Ron would run off any wayward cows, so I wouldn't get hurt. Only we didn't see any! The pond was large, and there were a ton of frogs. The cabin was fallen in. It had been cute once. We continued on past the pond, exploring. Eventually we found the SW corner pin. I could hear cows down below. They were bellowing. Then I heard a truck door. I guess they're rounding them up. Ron decided he'd try to use some compass app he had on his smart phone to find the west line... He does better trusting his gut. We trudged through the dense forest, eventually he went haring off one way while I was picking my way another. We got separated. It was a while before I found him again. We met up back at the pond.

We spent the next few hours cleaning up wire. First the newest pile that Ron made, then an old gate that used to be on the corral, but they'd replaced it with a metal gate. They just laid the old barbed wire one back along the corral. Then the old fence that was there before they built the corral. Much tidier. I was pretty much dehydrated by the time we got back. I drank almost a whole bottle of mineral water. We had some lunch. I clipped Rosie's face. Ron charged the fencer battery. We repaired the muck rake. It was time for Ron to go. The time goes by so fast. 

My but it is smokey up here! I'd like to wash some clothes but I'm thinking they'd stink of smoke. It got really smokey yesterday afternoon, too. I'll watch and see if it clears.

Ron called when he got over the pass. He is going fishing tomorrow! I'm glad! He really needs to go. 


9/7/2017

7:52 a.m.
Its Thursday already. I'm not writing much because its pretty repetitive. I'm grieving. I'm trying to stay busy. 

Its been around 100°F and very smokey. Its the Eagle Creek fire in the Columbia Gorge. So I've started Ari's Strawberry Sleeper. Too hot and smokey to be outside. Jim came and got stock for a rodeo yesterday. I met him down at the corral to open gates. I left him wires to hold the gates closed so he wouldn't have to deal with locks. I need to put two double ended snap locks for those chains on my list. When he finished he texted me so I could lock up. I think he uses a pine tree air freshener in his semi. I smelled "fake pine" when I went up to lock the gate. I lost coordination, fell and had confusion problems. I'll have to be more careful about that.

Its supposed to be cooler this week, ending the week in the upper 70°s F.

8:11 p.m.
It got progressively smokier all day. Jim's rodeo got cancelled. Air quality particulates are too high, 230. He brought back 6 cows, and one calf. He'd mixed up a pair. He didn't drive the semi, so no "pine" odor. I'd worn my mask because of the smoke anyway. Most of the day was spent knitting of researching LGDs. Hmm, it was 93°F. The cooling trend has started.

I did try to eat creamy curry "soup" for dinner.

Friday, September 8, 2017

6:39 a.m.
Well! It was a busy night. Far busier than yesterday. The wind came up and buffeted the RV, for about 30 minutes. At another point I was awakened by the patter of gentle rain, about 5 minutes. It made me smile. 5 cows marched around all night mooing for their (weaned) calves. I woke up detoxing at 3:00 a.m.. 

Rosie got me up at 6:30, she needed to go out. It is a tiny bit less smokey this morning. Could be due to the humidity. The ground wasn't wet. Not enough rain for that. The coffee pot is on. 

Oh, yeah. The soup stayed down!


11:16 a.m.
I posted this on my personal page,

"Feeling heart broken today. πŸ’” My family is preparing to attend my father's funeral. They leave this afternoon if the highways are open through the wildfires ravaging the Cascades. I'm glad they will get the opportunity to comfort one another and support each other. But its times like this when my disability bites the most. 

I can't go. I'm excluded by the toxic "acceptable practices" of society. I cannot help but feel ostracized, isolated and left out. I grieve alone. My heart is broken having lost my father. My disability preventing me from attending the funeral lacerates my broken heart.

My dear friend Peggy went through this approximately 20 years ago, when her beloved husband, Dom, died of his Toxic Injuries. She couldn't attend her own husband's funeral! A minister wouldn't even accommodate her and come pray with her. It bites savagely, and like a wolverine, it never lets go!

My stepmother, bless her heart, is doing what she can to include me, even amidst her own grief. I'm very grateful for all she's doing. I want to be there for her and support her in her grief. Its just that... I still feel hurt being left out and alone. 

I can't help my feelings. They just are. Trying to deal with it.πŸ’”πŸ˜­πŸ˜ͺ😭"


Saturday, September 2, 2017

Hard Days

Saturday, August 26, 2017

7:09 p.m.
So, another day marched by. This one started early. Its the opening day of archery season. I had agitated cattle. I decided to hike up Huckleberry Hill and see if there was any discernible cause. Once we got up there and had hiked over the hill to the northeast face we could hear a wolf howling about a 1/3 a mile away. We hiked around quite a bit looking for a good spot for target practice and making sure the archers hunting next door were aware there is someone here. I ended up choosing an open spot at the base of Cell Hill for target practice. I had fun, but I definitely need the practice. My grouping is nice. I'm just pulling right. 

When we got back, we were sitting outside, enjoying the cool of the morning and heard car doors on the road. We went up to the gate and met one of the guys who purchased property to the south. The piece he bought is landlocked by the Timber Co.. He's having trouble getting an easement from them... 3 guesses who he's dealing with? Wow, you got it in 1!

He was a nice guy. He'd brought his son and grandkids to go hiking. We exchanged contact info. I told him Ron would be here next weekend and could help him with his pin locations.

The rest of the day I alternated knitting a Yoshi and cutting wood. Same daily routine. Nothing glamorous or exciting here. 


Sunday August 27, 2017

6:03 p.m.
I hiked along the western fence today. Last night, after sundown, there was a single large caliber shot fired near there. I wanted to check and make sure there hadn't been any accidental hits. I checked for blood trails. I hiked to the front, then came back to the center and hiked over the hill to the corral. Everybody seemed good. I waved at the game warden as he drove by. 

I wanted to actually rest today so I decided to tackle a couple of projects that have been suggesting themselves. My new machete's sheath, and my Leatherman's holster. They're both gortex. Gortex is petroleum based and treated. While they don't give me immediate symptoms when I'm outside, I suspect they're giving me accumulative symptoms. I notice I feel better when they're not sharing space in the RV with me. I've had problems when I forgot and brought them in. 

I worked on them the majority of the day. While not glamorous, they are "trendy." 

Accessories for the well dressed wilderness grandma!

That worn look is chic. Yep. It has nothing to do with the fact that the only fabric I have is old coveralls... Nope. Nothin'. I can just visualize all the other wilderness grandmas lining up to get a set and being ready to pay extra for the worn-ness!


Monday, August 28, 2017

12:45 p.m.
After coffee this morning Rosie and I went up to the front gate and checked all the signs along the road to the west. The road shooter was back last night. I heard him slow down at the usual spot, I stepped outside. Then heard male voices. Next I heard them drive on to the west. I heard them stop, fire two shots, large caliber. I yelled, "Knock it off, dumb _$$!" There was a couple of moments of quiet, then they drove on. Since it was right at sunset I called 911 and reported it. I didn't find any signs that had been damaged. 

I continued my parameter check clear around the property to the corral. Rosie and I were both tired by the time we got back to the RV.
I definitely have fences to mend and trail to clear. I have plenty of old barbed wire to clean up too.  


Wednesday, August 30, 2017

11:34 a.m.

I spent yesterday (100°F) working on my green Yoshi: arms, legs, eyes, cheeks. It was too hot for me. I did do laundry as Rosie threw up all over the rugs after our hike on Monday. She's recovered. She either ate something she shouldn't have or its heat cycle time. 

We did make one hike out to the corral to check on salt. I texted Jim he needed to bring more. He was supposed to come yesterday. Didn't hear from him. I did hear his LGDs barking the night before. In the middle of the night I was awakened by either gunfire or exploding wolf scaring devices. It went on for 3 minutes and sounded like a drive by gang hit. It came from the same area west of me as the earlier barking.  

Today is more Yoshi work. I knit the feet, dorsal fins and back spot in undyed wool, measuring the amounts I need for each color. Then I undid the piece and cut and skeined the appropriate amounts. I'm currently dying the yellow (soles of shoes). 

As I've tromped around in my fenced in area (fenced to keep out cows) I uncovered more white, petrified cow pies from previous years. I spent an hour moving those until I broke my muck rake handle. 
It was the squirrel that got us outside again. He was green pinecone bombing the RV again. I gloved up and went out and tossed all his pinecones to the other squirrels, bwahahahaha! It was such a pretty morning I decided to work out there for awhile. 


Thursday, August 31, 2017

4:35 p.m.
Its been a hard day. Debby returned yesterday from a trip back east to help her mother, to find my father deteriorating. They called in hospice. Today the hospice nurse said he won't survive past this evening. Debby called everyone and those that wanted to, or could, gathered. Been a sad day. Evidently my Dad is in a lot of pain. They've drugged him. He's not awake much. I called. He was unconscious. I told him I loved him, even so. I said good-bye.

I tried to keep busy. I finished Green Yoshi.


I started repairs on the muck rake. No drill bits. I cut wood. Eventually Jim texted and Rosie and I walked down to the corrals to get next months rent. Ryan called me, then he called Debby and his Grandfather. Debby texted me about it. 

Jim did tell me his shepherd didn't have a gun, so that shooting the other night wasn't his shepherd. I asked Jim to let me know what his shepherd says about it. 

So now I'm just sitting here, wishing I didn't have to think about my father dying. It doesn't matter how long they're ill beforehand. You are never prepared. My heart aches.


Friday, September 1, 2017

My father passed away early this morning. Crying, heartache. There's not really anything I can do to ease the pain. I called my son to tell him that his Grandfather had passed. He talked about attending the funeral. It grieved me so deeply that I needed to throw up. I can't, won't, be able to attend. There won't be any typical grieving rituals for me. I can't attend burial services, or funerals. No wake (his mother was Irish). None of the things that ease grieving. I'm going to have to find my own way to grieve. Right now my heart is a lead weight in my chest.

I couldn't talk to my daughter. She's giving birth. She went in to be induced last night. I've heard nothing more.


6:00 p.m.
I called Justin, my son-in-law, this morning after I got the text that the baby had arrived. I waited a while to give everybody a chance to catch up. It turns out they didn't induce last night. The doctor decided to wait and do it at her convenience this morning. Only the baby had other plans. My daughter went in to labor at 7:30 a.m. and delivered our granddaughter by 9:00 a.m., without the doctor or any "medical intervention." She's a cutie! They're calling her "Ari."

It was a very emotionally labile day. Joy, counterpointed by grief. I can take the joy. Just not the grief. I don't handle things like this well. Things like this? Problems were you can't do anything about it. Heavy emotions with no place to put them. You know how I hate crying and heartache. Crying activates my hyper-reactive lymph and my body over produces mucus. Everywhere. My heart physically aches like its been cleaved. I've lost so much already. I feel like I can't take another loss. But it makes no difference how I feel. I have too. Death is a part of life. 

My sisters did not forget about me. The two that showed up yesterday to sit with Debby and our Dad as he past, called to make sure I was kept up to date. They don't like dwelling on painful things either. We cried together briefly, then moved on to incidentals. Things that didn't wrench out our guts. But perhaps I should say "Coincidentals." It turns out they were both here looking at this property and the property to the south in May! It was probably while I was out hiking the perimeter for the first time. One of them wanted to buy the piece to the south! 

I cut a lot of wood today. It was all I had left to do. I finished a headband to go with Ari's romper. I'm too distraught to start her next sleeper. 

Ron took Joey and Toby up to see Momma, Daddy and Ari in the afternoon. The boys didn't want to leave when it was time to come home. On the way back home Ron called me and gave Joey the phone. The conversation was a little much for me to follow today. Joey wanted a baby of his own. Then he wanted a spider. A baby spider. To spin a web and eat dragonflies. Then Joey was a spider and Toby was a dragonfly. I said, "Hey! Wait a minute! Does that mean you're going to eat Toby?!!" Delighted laughter. Was he just checking to make sure I was paying attention? The conversation jumped to how I had lots of Yoshis in my RV. Lots of laughter with that. Then back to what spiders ate. What dragonflies ate. Did I have bears and wolves in my forest? I said yes and coyotes. Then there were questions about coyotes, and what they ate. It must be all the pets his momma brings home and what they need to eat. As soon as they got home they had to feed the fish and Crabby. 

I did talk to Justin's mom. I like to call her when we get a new grandchild and congratulate her. 

The joy of a new granddaughter is bittersweet. It will be months before I get to hold her. They vaccinate. Everybody else will see her before I do. 

My friends Peggy and Julia called and checked on me. So did Barbara. It helped. 

I'd like to write something about my dad, but I can't. The grief is too raw. The realization that I will never, ever hear his voice again, or hear his laughter, or see the mischief in his eyes: Heartbreaking.